The Third Wheel Speaks Up


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iamgermajesty is offline iamgermajesty Post #1  April 27,2010, 3:46am
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I relocated to Germany about eight months ago and so far have made a bunch of new friends. One girl and I have become really close -we're the same age, we like to do the same sorts of things, etc etc.

She could also be the poster girl for "serial bad dater." She just got out of a long term relationship with a guy who turned abusive in the end but she wouldn't make him move out (nightmare!). Then she quickly rebounded to a guy who was only in the country for three months and got massively upset when he wouldn't become her boyfriend (nightmare!). Now, she's moved on to a fellow who has a girlfriend and lives in another country but she is CONVINCED they are meant to be.

And while she is waiting for him to come back, she's seeing a pothead bartender and recently met a guy at a club who is actually the most normal of the bunch.

Where do I figure in? I've been the "third wheel" on dates with every single one of these guys. Why don't I refuse to come? She tricks me. She'll either say she's not coming out, then turns up with the boy in tow or say a big group is going out but actually means just the three of us. I've got to give her credit, every time I think she couldn't sink any lower, she comes up with some new strategy to bring me along. Who knew women could be so manipulative

I definitely don't do this to her. When I go on a date or want to spend time with a guy, I don't my friends around! I've brought guys along on group outings, when there are five or more people involved.

I know why she does it. She's had boyfriends constantly from the time she was 13 and now says she wants to be single. But, she's emotionally needy and wants non-stop attention. But to "prove that she's still single," she wants me to go on these dates so she can say they weren't dates.

The culmination of my frustration was last night. I have a little Monday night ritual where I go to a music rehearsal, get some Thai food, then go to the movies. She turned up outside the theatre with one of her flock and insisted on coming with me. I refused to sit with them and took a place on the other side of the theatre.

She thinks this was out of line and rude of me. I can't even imagine how she thinks I'm in the wrong here. Do you guys think I was correct to finally stand my ground? I have tried to have a more private conversation with her about this (not in public, not in front of others) but she clearly isn't getting the point.

What's the eternal third wheel to do??

Edit: The types of dates I'm talking here are things that are obviously dates: dinners, shows, having a drink at a two-seater table with a third chair shoved up next to it. I'm sure the guys all wonder why I'm always there like her bodyguard or something!
Last edited by iamgermajesty; April 27,2010 at 3:51am. Reason: Additional Info
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #2  April 27,2010, 3:48am
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Friends don't do that sort of thing to each other. You should have higher standards for friends.

As for romance, well, this girl isn't interested. Go find someone who is.
 
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iamgermajesty is offline iamgermajesty Post #3  April 27,2010, 3:54am
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Mr_Right wrote :

As for romance, well, this girl isn't interested. Go find someone who is.

Hahaha - maybe should've mentioned I'm female as well?

I'd say the chances of me and her getting together are about 0%.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  April 27,2010, 4:16am
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It doesn't sound like you really like this girl, respect her or even enjoy her company. So why even pretend to be her friend???

Regardless, your behavior was rude and out of line in terms of refusing to sit with your "friend". It's not much of a friendship when you don't enjoy their company.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  April 27,2010, 4:19am
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that is so weird! i would tell her plainly you dont want to be around on her dates. its funny that she called you rude for not wanting her to impose her company on you lol
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  April 27,2010, 7:17am
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If you've tried to talk to her privately about this and she just doesn't get it, your only recourse is rudeness: just say no when she puts you on the spot. That's what you did.

Lots of people do that: they "just don't get it" and continue the behavior, to where the only thing you can do is rude. It's a control technique, and a way to ignore you.

So yes, it was rude, but if you truly really have tried to hash it out with her, that's what's left.

Apart from this issue, is this a friendship? If yes I would say you're going to have to keep hacking away at trying to resolve the problem, and being "rude" until it's solved (if ever). If no ... just stop seeing her.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  April 27,2010, 8:10am
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She's got a screw loose. You see how much of a nut job she is about men -- why do you think she would be grounded with other relationships? She has no idea what boundaries or a healthy relationship look like (friendship or otherwise), she exercises poor judgment because she's needy and craves attention, and she doesn't show you any consideration if she is manipulating and lying.

It's difficult to make new friends when you move, especially friends who share your interests, but is her drama really worth it? If you enjoy the soap opera, then stick it out, otherwise, I would look for new friends.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  April 27,2010, 8:35am

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iamgermajesty wrote :
Hahaha - maybe should've mentioned I'm female as well?

I'd say the chances of me and her getting together are about 0%.
I got that you are female, not sure why the others didn't pick up on that.
 
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rbk is offline rbk Post #9  April 27,2010, 8:52am
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Have you ever just put your foot down and told her no?

Also, if she tricks you or ambushes you again like she has been doing, just leave. Come up with an excuse, say you aren't feeling well and just go home. Perhaps after a while she'll get the idea. She sounds a little crazy though, so I'm not so sure she will.
 
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Jesisi is offline Jesisi Post #10  April 27,2010, 12:38pm
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I once had a friend who liked having me around as a point of comparison when she met guys... I am a tall dark latina, and she was short, blonde and pale... We obviously look very different, but in my culture she had the upper hand because guys like shorter girls and I am taller than most men back home, so she usually set up to meet with guys when we were supposed to be going out to do something... This was annoying, and her parents would not let her go out alone, since it was supposed to be just us girls, and what she really wanted was to go out on dates without other people knowing, by bringing me along... I ended up totally ignoring her, and hanging out with other people, after a certain point I reconsidered our friendship, but honestly, it was always one sided... I took advantage of it by keeping her around as a boy-tester... if the guy really liked me he would not fall for her super flirtatious behavior... that helped keep a lot of guys that were no good for me away... and her happy and busy! It also gave me something to do on weekends where I had nothing else to do with family or other friends... So it worked out fine!
 
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