STD'S When should the issue be raised?


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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #1  April 26,2010, 1:44pm

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Last week I entered into the "open discussion" phase with a bright, well educated, and articulate woman. I was suprised by her second email when she enquired about my "health" and specifically wanted to know if this was an issue for me. I informed her that I was D/D free, but I wanted to know why she would raise the issue when we hadn't even discussed meeting in person.

She stated that she was also D/D free and wanted to remain so. She then stated that she did not want to invest any time in communicating with someone if STD's were an issue.

My question, is it appropriate to inquire into this type of issue at such an early stage of communication or simply insensitive? At the same time waiting until the cloths start coming off is certainly inappropriate. When is the "right" time?

The issue remains complex for a plethora of reasons, privacy being just one. Another dimention that people somtimes fail to recognize; STD's are not always acquired through neglect or risky behavior. Spouces and trusted partners all to often can bring them home. Wonderful people through no fault of thier own now face this dilemna and it's not fair to label them. Thoughts?
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #2  April 26,2010, 1:48pm
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I don't see why she shouldn't ask. Why meet someone for a date if you have no intention of dating them further after you find out they have an STD? I personally may be willing to get said person a chance despite the STD. If I did have an STD I would want to let people know early on simply to weed out those who would be uninterested after that.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 26,2010, 1:53pm
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Whether a person is at fault in the acquisition of a disease is actually irrelevant in my right to avoid that person.

I would not knowingly date a person with an STD, either (assuming that was her intent in asking the question.) It is perfectly fair to "label" such a match as an unsuitable partner for me, for the reason of disease.

Asking this question up front is fine, since it would be pointless to meet, when a relationship is already ruled out. Better to find out before expending resources to meet, or becoming emotionally involved.

It is of course your right to decide you don't like the question, and close her for that reason.

I think she doing a fine thing, and it would not bother me.
Last edited by D_Lion; April 26,2010 at 1:55pm.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #4  April 26,2010, 2:50pm
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I completely agree with what Froggy posted.
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #5  April 26,2010, 8:43pm
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I had a gf for many months who the first time I met her told me she had an STD. I never really thought about it before then because I never met someone who admitted to having one. She felt like she had to tell me up front, and even cried while telling me. It was actually kind of touching. She got it from her ex who had cheated on her. So I felt kind of bad for her. We just made sure we were safe, and all these years later I'm still D/D free.
 
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DreamGal is offline DreamGal Post #6  April 26,2010, 8:54pm
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Cape_Codder wrote :
My question, is it appropriate to inquire into this type of issue at such an early stage of communication or simply insensitive? At the same time waiting until the cloths start coming off is certainly inappropriate. When is the "right" time?

The issue remains complex for a plethora of reasons, privacy being just one. Another dimension that people sometimes fail to recognize; STD's are not always acquired through neglect or risky behavior. Spouses and trusted partners all to often can bring them home. Wonderful people through no fault of their own now face this dilemma and it's not fair to label them. Thoughts?
I feel a bit more qualified to answer this question than most on here. I have an STD. Herpes, to be exact. I caught it from my ex-husband while we were married, not that it should make any difference how I caught it.

The issue only comes up on a "need to know" basis. Not every date I have gone on has been told. Far from it. Only after we have gone on a few dates and sex seems likely do I bring it up. Until then, they do not need to know. Just like everyone else in the dating world, I have been rejected and I have also rejected potential mates for reasons totally unrelated to my having an STD.

I have many fine qualities to offer a man. Having Herpes is only one small aspect of who I am. It does not define me. I let the guy get to know me before disclosing my "condition" so that he will come to know this about me first.

I believe asking before you even meet is cloddish and naive.
First the vast majority of people have never been tested for STDs, so they don't know their status. If you ask them, they'll say "no" they don't have anything because to the best of their knowledge they don't. However, the problem is, they really don't know.
Second, even if you've been "tested for STDs," it is very likely you were NOT tested for Herpes. In most cases, you are not unless you specifically ask for it.
And Third, about half of people who have Herpes don't even know it. The symptoms are easily mistaken for other things (such as yeast infections, hemorrhoids, or other things that itch.) Sometimes a person has no symptoms.

There are STDs that men can carry with no symptoms and pass on to women without knowing it. HPV is a prime example, and there is not test for it in men.

Chances are, those who declare they will not date a person with an STD already have and don't know it.

I ALWAYS disclose my condition to a new guy before we have sex. I have been divorced a good number of years now. In that time, I have NEVER had a man initiate a conversation about STDs, not even once. It has always been me to bring it up. I try to bring it up over a lunch or casual week-night dinner, before a weekend date where first sex seems to be a likelihood. I have only had one man balk and bail on me after telling him. All the rest have appreciated the information, and wanted to pursue things with me. Of those, very few have wanted to use a condom. I promise to let him know if/when I have a sore, and we abstain during that time. To my knowledge, no one has ever caught it from me.

All things considered, Herpes is a relatively minor thing to deal with. I manage to go through most days of my life without it ever crossing my mind. No one wants to catch it (I certainly didn't!), but if you do have it, it is not the end of the world nor is it the end of your dating life.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #7  April 26,2010, 9:03pm
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As with any dealbreaker it makes sense to raise the issue sooner rather than later, why speak to someone for weeks and then have to drop them just as you are both becoming invested because you didn't ask one question that's important to you before spending all that time?
 
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DreamGal is offline DreamGal Post #8  April 26,2010, 9:21pm
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gothustartus wrote :
As with any dealbreaker it makes sense to raise the issue sooner rather than later, why speak to someone for weeks and then have to drop them just as you are both becoming invested because you didn't ask one question that's important to you before spending all that time?
Ah, but what if you speak to that person for weeks and when you find out and you become educated about what exactly the risks are you decide the person really is worth the risk?

What if you ask and the person has never been tested? Are you going to make them get tested before you will even continue to talk to them? Taking such a line makes it seem likely one will miss out on meeting some mighty fine people.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  April 27,2010, 1:44am
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DreamGal wrote :
Ah, but what if you speak to that person for weeks and when you find out and you become educated about what exactly the risks are you decide the person really is worth the risk?

What if you ask and the person has never been tested? Are you going to make them get tested before you will even continue to talk to them? Taking such a line makes it seem likely one will miss out on meeting some mighty fine people.
I know the risks, it's my choice not to take them. As for missing out on fine people i'm ok with that, there are plenty of other fine people out there.
 
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scorpiox10 is offline scorpiox10 Post #10  April 27,2010, 2:42am
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I don't think you should ask about STD's until you are ready to be intimate with someone and it should be done in a more tactful way. Regardless of what anyone says you should always wear a condom anyway, but diseases can still be transmitted from other genital area's. A lot of people don't know you can get STD's including HIV from oral sex so you should always wear protection during any kind of sexual encounter. Some people will lie and say they're disease free just to get laid. Other people don't even know they have an STD, I see it everyday as a nurse. Always ask before being intimate, always use protection and if getting married, have a complete STD panel done on both partners including blood samples and genital swabbing. Yes unfortunately even if you're married one partner can still cheat and even if they've always sworn they'd use protection sometimes condoms break or fall off without someone realizing it. I guess you'll never be able to be 100% safe even if in a monogamous relationship because sometimes partners cheat.

 
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