boyfriend's family + friends dissaprove of me


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gabrielleMK is offline gabrielleMK Post #1  April 25,2010, 10:20am
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Hello there all,

I'd love to have some objective advice on the situation I'm currently enduring. Background ; I am an american student living in a european country for the past 4 years, and have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I've basically had a lot of tragedy and decided to pursue my dream of studying art and making my life abroad, in a country I've dreamed about my entire life. Getting here and paying bills while not always being legal to live here hasn't been easy, and I've made some poor choices - not having anywhere to go "home" to, I either had to figure out a way to get myself through, or be completely screwed.

Fast forward to last summer; met my boyfriend, was recently out of a longterm relationship where boyfriend paid my rent, but used it as an excuse to abuse and control me. Didn't want ANYTHING serious, but met my current boyfriend - let's call him DJ - who told me from the first time we met that I was the girl for him. I gradually started to fall in love with him... which apparently I never should have done. I knew he was from an upper middle class family, but so am I, so I thought nothing of it. Because of my previous relationship, I made sure that money was NEVER a factor in our relationship. He, at 27, was going back to school for his mba - which his parents were paying for. I, at 23, had been on my own since I was 18. Even though I struggle with money, I always pay more than my own way... whether he is being supported by his family or not isn't really my problem, I still wanted our relationship to be equal and fair.

I met his family, and they seemed to genuinely like me.. I made HUGE efforts to get along well with him, spending most of my time going to functions with his extended family, missing out on time with my friends in order to celebrate his families birthdays and anniversaires, blah blah blah. Having lost my father at 18, and having a mother with psychological problems from whom I was estranged from 13, it felt nice to be included in someone's normal, functional family.

So in October, a childhood friend of his started a vicious rumor that I was dealing cocaine.. I don't think I've ever SEEN cocaine, let alone sold it. I asked DJ to deal with it, and he said he did. I should have left then, but I didn't.

Christmas came and went... the immediately family took me skiing with them for christmas, since I otherwise would have spent the holiday alone. I cooked for them, I hung out with his brother and sister, bought lovely christmas presents for everyone and ultimately put myself further into debt trying to please them.

Last month, he was at his parent's home, and sent me a text message; his brother had told his mother something about my past - something that I had asked DJ not to ever tell ANYONE, but that he had insisted on sharing with his close circle. His mother told him he was never to bring me home again, that she did not approve of me, and that he would have to leave me. She then tried to tell him to start dating one of her friends' daughters... wealthy, yes, but dull and superficial.

I understood his parents shock and could tolerate it. One week later was my birthday - his sister, brother, and several of his friends - for whom I had made a fuss over their birthdays, didn't even think to wish me a happy birthday. When DJ and I went out, they refused to be in my presence.

Information started seeping out from certain people in their social group, culminating in conversations with one of DJ's close friend's girlfriends, and a close female friend. They basically said that everyone considered me a golddigger, that DJ was obviously paying my bills, and that everyone was discussing how I was probably a prostitute. The female friend went on to confeess; "Well, you had to know DJ was ultra rich - his parents have a beach house at XYZ. Frankly, we weren't concerned for him before, because he was always cold to girls and hasn't ever had a serious relationship"

I flew into a rage - first of all, I was a debutante. I went to private school and then spent 2 years at an ivy league university. That DJ's parents have a beach home never really meant to me that they were ultra wealthy - my family has one too, and so does everyone where I come from. That I choose not to flaunt my background is my choice... and I don't think I should ever have to justify that.

Second of all, I am not a prostitute, and I'm not really sure why these people think that.. apparently the same guy who spread the rumor about dealing cocaine spread a rumor about my being an escort.

Third of all, and what is the most sick for me, is the commentary of his female friend - his friends, apparently, care more about his inheritance than his happiness. They preferred him to be alone, because this way they didn't have to worry about a golddigger - that's insulting to him, because they imagine that any girl who is with him is automatically with him for his money, I imagine.

DJ has never paid any of my bills. DJ has never given me an extravagant gift. DJ has never taken me on a trip, and when we did meet last summer on vacation, I was the one who paid for the hotel where we stayed.

It turns out that the childhood friend who was spreading the rumors, and DJ's sister, are at the center of this. They are trying to convince everyone that I am this horrible person after him for only his money. His sister, who used to come to my house and bitch about her life and pretend to be my best friend. They assume that because I haven't had the easiest life in terms of losing my father and my mother's psychological problems, not to mention coming to a foreign country, that I am a viper.

I've now decided to take a break with DJ. I am desperately in love with him, he himself makes me so happy, but knowing that his family and 3 of his childhood friends disapprove so much of me is unbearable.. I also felt that he hasn't defended me enough, and that none of this ever should have happened. I told him something in confidence and he shared it with his circle, and it has now exploded. Admittedly, other people in his circle have been generally supportive, as they have also had problems with both his sister and the friend who spread the rumors about me. I know both are unhappy with their lives - she is divorced and is now recovering from yet another failed relationship, he is a struggling painter.

What do I do? Do you think that my relationship can recover? How do I get back into the family's good graces and... do I even want to? I am feeling terribly lost, and terribly alone. I am in a foreign country, and am feeling very much the provincial american in a henry james novel.... I feel, above all, betrayed and foolish. Advice??
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 25,2010, 11:39am
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It sounds to me like your partner is going to have to choose, decisively and possibly finally, between you or his family.

At least, it may seem that way at the time.

Under the scenario you've given us, if I were in his situation, I am sure I would choose family, and you would be gone.

***

Looking at things from the other side, parents often see things that younger people just don't understand or appreciate.

Some of those things are not wisdom (such as a theology), but others are (such as not wanting the child to make a mistake that they themselves made.)

***

I'm not sure there is much advice to give - as this seems to hinge entirely on his choice.

Trying to prove you are not "a viper" strikes me as trying to prove a negative, a task that will never be satisfied.
Last edited by D_Lion; April 25,2010 at 11:43am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  April 25,2010, 12:05pm
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Yes, it does sound like a novel or a movie ... which makes me think: Is there any reason why there has to be a Final Decision about this relationship right now? It sounds like the drama level in you, him, and his family is very high right now. Can you let it simmer down? See how things shake out? Peoples' feelings and attitudes can shift, given a little time.

If this is a solid relationship it might be able to recover. You would have to work through your feelings of betrayal etc., and whatever feelings your bf has.

It's possible he'll have to choose between you and his family. It would be better if he didn't have to choose. Your bf will have to be proactive in getting his family to come around.

You're 23 ... you should be establishing your life as your life, not as an appendage of a guy. What can you do? Focus on your life. Hope for the best with this relationship and work on it ... but don't lose sight of who you are, what you want, what you value, etc. It's a foreign country but you've been there 4 years ... cultivate other friends and contacts.

Good luck!
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #4  April 25,2010, 12:29pm
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Oh boy, unfortunately I know a lot of those so called "good families", having been part of those circles for years. When their children starts dating, the family look into that persons background to see if they are of "good family", if they have attended the right schools, universities etc. They consider themselves "good family" due to their wealth and family background despite themselves having lots of skeletons in their closets. Someone they are not considering of "good family" won't stand a chance.
Believe me when I tell you that their world is very different from the world we live in and it's very difficult (if not impossible) to be accepted if you don't have the "right" background.

I'm not saying you should give up your boyfriend as you apparently love him but you are facing a tough battle. I hope he supports you and stand by you because you'll need it. Good luck.
 
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gabrielleMK is offline gabrielleMK Post #5  April 25,2010, 12:32pm
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The thing is, I really don't want to have him choose... which is why I'm thinking more and more about leaving him, for his own good, I suppose. I have a sister in law myself who made my brother choose, and it was so painful. I don't want his family to have to lose a brother/son.

Ultimately, I'm ok with the parents judging me. That's pretty natural, in my book, especially because being foreign, I just sort of came on the scene from nowhere. What I have a HUGE problem with is his siblings and friends getting involved in something that ultimately concerns only us, and making a huge huge deal out of it.

You're right, @ sassafras54, I know I am too young to build my life around a man's. I just signed the paperwork to start a new part time job, so I'm hoping that will distract me for a while.

He also just sent me an email listing the reasons he loves me.. I cried. I'm going to see him tomorrow, and let him know, as you've suggested, that I don't want to make a decision just yet... but that I do need some space to get my head around the situation.

Thanks for all.... any other thoughts definitely welcome, I don't have a whole lot of people to speak to in my life, particularly not americans with the same culture and values as me.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  April 25,2010, 12:38pm
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Do you want American values (a place where some schools still teach creationism), when you have choosen not to live here?

I especially agree with the post from Sassafras, about being so young.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  April 25,2010, 12:50pm
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The only thing I have to offer is from what I have observed, and that is wealthy families are very much concerned over whom their children will be involved with, and actually it's not just the family, but friends too.

this:

something that I had asked DJ not to ever tell ANYONE, but that he had insisted on sharing with his close circle

should tell you that he will always put his family ahead of you. always.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  April 25,2010, 12:51pm
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D_Lion wrote :
(a place where some schools still teach creationism),
as well they should. since you brought it up.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #9  April 25,2010, 5:20pm
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Hi! Thought that I would chime in here.....
A few things - wealthy? Define wealthy? A beach house does not a fortune make lol - truly.

You say you are paying your own way - is he clear on that? Are you coming up with your share of the rent, etc., and keeping a bit of a record of it? If not yet, start. If you are just quietly coming up with your portion and dealing with things make sure that he knows you are doing it. (Depends on what your living arrangements, etc., are, but I think that is sufficient to get the point across)

Sounds like you are being crucified on the gossip line here, and all the hangers on are joining in. You have a choice to make. You say you love this guy, ok then, hang in there for a while longer. You need to be really clear about the gossip thing with him - you do not appreciate these rumours circulating, which are getting wilder and wilder, and could he please put a stop to them. Also, your close friend reallly sounds like a peach - think maybe she is adding fuel to the fire? If they are the type of group that always need someone to attack, they will pile on you as better you than them if you know what I mean.

This secret - how bad can it be? Wouldn't be pleased with him telling his brother, who told Mommy, etc, but wouldn't necessarily dump him because of that. Doubt that there was any sort of real investigator involved here, and might think about having a word with his mother at some point. Who knows what his brother told Mom - the story might have morphed in the telling and retelling, that's also a factor here.

Get your boyfriend to settle things down with the family - if Mother calms down the rest will follow........ if she is the type to fly off the handle, well sometimes they fly right back on again if you know what I mean......

If you love him, and you believe that he loves you, fight for him, just don't make a career out of it. Don't back him into a corner such as "it's me or them" be a lady about it. Oh, and calm down, maybe quit talking to the girlfriends about it.

JMHO, and have seen this type of thing go on a lot in the past - there is hope here, but you had better calm down and quit feeding the gossip line, the sharks will find another to feed on soon enough lol

Lilycat
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  April 25,2010, 6:07pm
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When you date someone you are not just dating them. You are dating their family and friends.

He (and also you) are faced with a problem that he stays with you and be ostracized from his family making you a couple alone in the world. Or you end this relationship on an amicable note and go on to someone who will accept you for the person you are. You will never win over his mother nor most if any of his family or friends.

It is never a good thing to do something illegal even when you claim it is to better yourself. You are not bettering yourself only fooling yourself.

You also mention that you cooked for his family putting you further in debt with them. This is a bad attitude to have and you need to get your head right before you go on.
 
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