Heartbroken & Really Confused


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IM is offline IM Post #1  April 21,2010, 7:58pm
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So I know most would say "better find out now then later" and/or "good riddins"....but I need to share my heartbreaking story. I'm 32....and definately wanting someone to love who loves me back. I met this guy at my gym. He constantly stuttered around me, couldn't form words or sentences because he was so shy and intimidated. So one day I thought..."wow, how flattering, and he's soo nice, and to top it off soo cute" I decided to ask him out. But that same day, he actually asked me out. To make a long story short, we ended up falling in love....or so I thought. He had ex issues. She wouldn't leave us alone. He swore he never even loved her, on his daughters life. He told me i could check his phone records to proove to me he was not communicating with her. He brought me into his business partners office to have me talk to him (because his business parter knew about this ex's psychotic behavior, etc) and then called her in front of me to proove to me that he's not only NOT with her, but to tell her to leave everyone he knew alone (she was calling and texting his fam and friends). I never even questioned his honesty. He freely wanted to proove this because he was sooo afraid to lose me over her. We talked about the future, bought tickets to see his brothers, and then one day he came to my house and said he was not over this ex, and he couldn't "force" himself to love me. That there was nothing about me he "shouldn't love" but that he was messed up in the head over this ex. I was crushed. Worse off, I have to see him at the gym. And he brings this "psycho" ex of his with him because she doesn't trust him, never did. He wont as much look in my direction. Barely gave me enough of an explanation as to why he would say all those things to me and then turn around and go back to her. 2 hours before he came to dump me, he told me he loved me! I've never been so disrespected, so cruely dumped, so hurt. Not by anyone! Help, i need guidance! I'm terribly heartbroken....any wise words?!
 
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n25philly is offline n25philly Post #2  April 22,2010, 8:29am
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don't use the psych ward's gym
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #3  April 22,2010, 8:44am
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Well this sucks. I'm really sorry. The only thing I can advise you to do is steer clear of men with ex-issues this severe.

If he's calling in character witnesses (like his business partner) to 'prove' that he isn't contacting his ex, i think he doth protest too much!

While there are a lot of disturbed people out there, in my experience people don't often act like his ex unless they have a reason (ie, conflicting messages from him).
I'd consider switching gyms.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  April 22,2010, 8:47am
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How long had you both "dated" that all of that took place?

I know you are heartbroken and you feel deceived, but I *think* you are way better off without him.

Can you switch gyms (same gym, different location) or switch the hours that you go?
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #5  April 22,2010, 8:47am

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She has been controlling him using mental abuse. It doesn't look like he ever healed. It isn't your fault but I think he meant everything he told you.

Just move on and heal yourself.
 
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scandalous is offline scandalous Post #6  April 22,2010, 8:50am
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So sorry that this happened to you.

I'm not sure what advice to give. What I can say is that I learned when anyone has "psycho-ex" issues, whether it be a guy or a girl with the "psycho-ex", it's best to not get very emotionally attached so quickly (easier said than done, I know!)

Perhaps, he was trying to "prove" to himself that he was over her, not so much that he was trying so hard to "prove" it to you. Perhaps he saw that you were more put-together than his ex, and not showing the obsessive behavior (calling his family and friends constantly) and it was a refreshing change for him to be with someone more settled. You were more likely a pleasant distraction for him.

My guess is that he would have done this exact thing (dumping you) to any new girl that came along and showed him some attention. If I were you, I would try to not take it so personally. I know you are hurting, but from the way you describe this whole situation, it sounds like he was/is not in a healthy relationship with this girl (not able to trust, etc.) and the fact that we went back to her shows in some ways that he is not entirely healthy himself. It looks like he's got some things to work out for himself before he can be a good relationship partner.

I think you actually dodged a bullet with this one. This leaves you free to find someone else who is more available, more emotionally stable, and more mature, when you are ready. Someone who will not say "I love you", and then "dump" you two hours later.

The fact that he was able to say "I love you" so quickly and easily could mean that he likes the idea of being "in love" more than thinking about who he is saying it to, and the effect it has on another person's heart. In love with being in love.

I had been in a dating situation like this quite a few months ago, where the guy very quickly said "I love you", and expected me to say it right away to him, too. When I finally did, he started to back-track and make excuses for why we could not see each other anymore. I was hurt, but not for too terribly long. Those words mean lot, and in my mind, when someone says them, they should really mean them. It made me see that some people just don't think like that.

Another thing I believe, and you will see this one the boards a lot, actions speak louder than words. Actions and words have to match, too. You should question a person's honesty early on, until you get to know them better. Take your time to really know someone. If it's meant to be, there's no rush.

As for seeing him at the gym, maybe you can try to go at a time when he isn't likely to be there, if it can fit into your schedule.

Best of luck to you.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #7  April 22,2010, 9:08am

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I empathize. It sounds similiar to my last relatoinship.

Convince, convince, convince me to trust him. Tells me he loves me.

We break up the next day.

All I can say is it will look better in a few weeks, and months.

Get a new gym. You deserve some peace.

All I can offer (and hope) is that next time a relationship should go more smoothly...more naturally, less having to prove to me that I should trust him because it should all be obvious anyway by his actions that he's ready for a relationship with me. I don't just mean calling, dating being dependable etc. But this need to 'convince' sometimes seems to be more about the mans own pride than about what is good for me...or you.
 
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Drexel09 is offline Drexel09 Post #8  April 22,2010, 9:16am
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I go to the gym 3 days a week, hopefully you meet me! (or somebody just like me)
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  April 22,2010, 9:25am
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I'm sorry about you are hurt, but I hope that you walk away from this with a few practical lessons.

1) Someone with a psycho-ex.....at one point they voluntarily chose to date this person and to be in a long term relationship with them. They were not oblivious to the drama the ex was bringing about. Big red flag.

2) The psycho ex hangs around because they are being allowed to constantly leave their toe in the door. Another big red flag. If someone wants to get rid of the psycho ex, they will.

3) Biggest red flag of all....huge....covers half the world red flag - all the "voluntary" character references and trying to prove to you how he is not contacting the ex - that is not him being worried that you might think he is still with her, that is him trying to clear a guilty conscience. Again, if he really wanted to handle the ex situation he would and he would not need to drag you to talk to is partner about it. That is just plain weird.

If you come across something like that in the future, pay careful attention and ask yourself another question - how much did this guy contribute to the ex becoming psycho? After all relationships are a two way street. I'm not saying that you shold automatically presume something is wrong with the guy if he has a problem like that, but I am saying that you should keep your eye open and investigate what's what before you throw your heart in.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  April 22,2010, 10:35am

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Oh come on guys must we start making everyone who has a psycho ex covered in the red flag? Really unfair. I have a psycho ex and it took a lot for me to leave him but mostly because I had to make sure my kids are protected. I would not go back to him if he was the last guy on earth.

Ya know if you cast wide nets with your red flags you can end up missing out on great people who made a bad decision.

How about we concentrate on what were the real red flags. Like in this case the low self-esteem, the need to keep proving he was over his ex, the taking to the boss is really strange too.

To the OP I could be wrong but when he said he couldn't force himself to love you it is more likely that he couldn't force himself to accept your love. She has probably done a number on him making him think he is so flawed that no one could love him. That she was such a great person she was willing to put up with him.

If she caught wind that he told you he loves you she could have used that as the ammo she needed to force him back with her. All she needed to do is emasculate him enough that he did what she said. Considering she had years to "train" him it would not be difficult.

I am not saying try to save him, only a professional could help him at this point. I am saying he is damaged and no amount of happiness you brought him could have undone that damage. He really did love you but he needs to heal before he could have accepted that.
 
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