Are Average Black Men at the Bottom of the Dating Rung?


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proudgeek is offline proudgeek Post #1  April 20,2010, 8:38am
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Tell the truth, tell your opinion. Seriously, I won't be offended... I can't be any more offended and confused than I am already about all this

A brief overview of where I am in life: I'm 35 years old, a software professional yet social and down-to-earth, educated and worldly, well-spoken but not condescending (at least not intentionally), fiscally responsible yet generous when the need arises, fairly physically active (gym rat) but obviously not a meat-head. I'm divorced dad, have good relationship with my ex-wife, and am a fully-involved daddy... and I am able to make time for people who want to hang out with me. Oh, and I live in SF Bay Area.

The kind of woman I am seeking as a lifelong partner would be employed, educated, somewhat worldly (that is, they can point out Darfur on a globe, and they know at least some major current affairs). She would also be regularly physically active, food/health-conscious, and not fat/obese. Most importantly, she'd be friendly and communicative. I listed all these on EH.

These few qualities are my core values, and basically just about everything else is up for debate/preference.

(Please, if you think I am "superficial", stop reading, thank you have a great day).

So here's my problem:

One thing I noticed since my mid-20s is, as I navigate this dating scene, the only women who make ANY kind of effort to talk to me (or respond in any positive manner), are markedly obese women. Not just "a few extra pounds", which would be OK. But actually, VISIBLY very overweight. Granted, much of the United States are obese, and most regular people over 25 - especially those with sedentary lifestyles - do start packing on the pounds... but I find that, short of visiting the East Coast, I only seem to "catch the eye" of really obese women (of any race, really) here in CA.

I wanted to write in my EH profile "I am not attracted to markedly obese women" but then I'd be labeled "shallow", and everyone would do the Politically Correct thing and close me out. But I didn't, yet I am being closed out by ALL the non-obese women, and contacted by the markedly overweight ones

(Again, if you are getting ready to call me "shallow", please use the exit, kthxbye)

Granted, some of these women do share my OTHER core values, but almost inevitably, they do NOT - and never did - care to exercise or take care of their bodies.

All the while, my white and asian buddies are somehow meeting up with more slender, less-obese women, who also happen to share THEIR core values.

I get the distinct impression these very-fat women are "settling for black men", because white/asian men won't date them, and they figure that black men will "take anything because they're the most reviled group of people in society". And it kind of hurts, because that means that if these women were in better shape, and more attractive, they'd NOT talk to me at all! Which kinda sucks because I know I'm not eye-scorchingly ugly... in fact I'm quite OK to look at and go out with... and I have a whole LOT to offer to the right person, assuming we share same core values re: education, health & fitness.

Am I correct in my analysis? Are non-obese women simply hardwired to NOT "settle" for average black men? Or are there possibly other forces at work here?
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  April 20,2010, 8:59am

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maybe the skinny chicks are reading your posts here.

seriously though- I think it's less about your race than it is about you being "average".

I'm speaking for myself here, but i consider myself above-average, and would like to date someone above average as well.
(and i am. and it has nothing to do with his looks or money)

get it?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  April 20,2010, 9:04am
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One issue that I see is you are 35 and a daddy. For most women in your age range that's a total deal breaker. Those women still want to have their own family and are not interested in the step-mom, ex wife deal. Fortunately for them, there are plenty of single men out there who do not have a divorce behind them.

Also, the type of a woman you describe has better than average options in terms of men chasing after her. Why go for average when she can do better.

With both of the above, race is completely irrelevant.
 
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proudgeek is offline proudgeek Post #4  April 20,2010, 9:21am
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DancingFool wrote :
One issue that I see is you are 35 and a daddy. For most women in your age range that's a total deal breaker. Those women still want to have their own family and are not interested in the step-mom, ex wife deal. Fortunately for them, there are plenty of single men out there who do not have a divorce behind them.

Also, the type of a woman you describe has better than average options in terms of men chasing after her. Why go for average when she can do better.

With both of the above, race is completely irrelevant.
One thing I forgot to mention was that, this was happening BEFORE I had a kid (since my mid-20s, as my post did mention)... so whether or not I was a daddy, I still encountered same issue. That's why i know that it's not the daddy part.

On a side note, I found that before I had my kid, many women would look at me suspiciously and question why I am still single with no kids. Apparently they believed I was unable to commit to a serious relationship, and were scared to date me despite all my "qualifications". Well, now that I AM a daddy, the women compliment me on being a good dad... just as they walk out the [metaphorical] door for reasons you mentioned.

So, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #5  April 20,2010, 9:24am
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"Now, I * KNOW * none of you people would like to be *ME* !!


And I'm * RICH * !!!! "


~~~~ Comedian Chris Rock, before a mostly ALL WHITE audience.


(note, I am a white male from SF, and find your opinion interesting and surprising)
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  April 20,2010, 9:26am

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scarlet13 wrote :
seriously though- I think it's less about your race than it is about you being "average".

I'm speaking for myself here, but i consider myself above-average, and would like to date someone above average as well.
(and i am. and it has nothing to do with his looks or money)

get it?
Oh that's my problem...I never consider myself average...more like absolutely amazing! But then the women are intimidated by me!!

Proof: They closed me with 'other' which means they think they're not worthy of me!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 20,2010, 9:34am
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6dle899 wrote :
"Now, I * KNOW * none of you people would like to be *ME* !!


And I'm * RICH * !!!! "


~~~~ Comedian Chris Rock, before a mostly ALL WHITE audience.


(note, I am a white male from SF, and find your opinion interesting and surprising)
Hmm, I went looking to see if you had posted and this was not the response that I was expecting
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #8  April 20,2010, 9:36am

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To the OP: Nightling posted something about the last finishers in the dating race and I think it was black women and Asian men (hey don't shoot the messenger lol I didn't write the article!)

Plus depending on where you are, women from certain areas would be more open to date other races/nationalities too.

In many cases, I think women in the US are not necessarily closed to date other races, but more about subtle cultural differences that might be associated to that race.

My generalization would be, women in bigger cities are more open since they're more exposed to other cultures, etc. but just like cute Catwoman said, you have to be more than average to stand out and competition is fierce.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  April 20,2010, 9:36am
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PY_2 wrote :
Oh that's my problem...I never consider myself average...more like absolutely amazing! But then the women are intimidated by me!!

Proof: They closed me with 'other' which means they think they're not worthy of me!
So that is what "Other" means. I always thought my matches were saying I am too short when they used "Other". Now I know that they are intimidated by me
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #10  April 20,2010, 9:39am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
So that is what "Other" means. I always thought my matches were saying I am too short when they used "Other". Now I know that they are intimidated by me
No noo...that's 'the chemistry is not there'
 
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