readytodate is offline readytodate Post #1  April 20,2010, 6:33am
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I need real life advice about a guy. I just joined eharmony, but this guy is not from here. I went to h.s. with him. We're both divorced, in our early 40's. So not kids. not naive.

We flirted in h.s., but never dated, and then ran into each other three months ago. he had just ended an engagement with another girl, and said that relationship was on 'hold'. I told him i'd just gotten divorced. he seemed genuinely happy to see me, and since he was a facebook friend already, we started chatting a bit through facebook after he posted on my page. I let him initiate it. feels better to let the guy do the chasing!

Fast forward to a month ago, two months after we saw each other. We made plans to go to lunch, but he was out of town most of the month. Despite that, he initiated a couple of long facebook chats, and even called me and texted me a few times. During all of that, he became extremely flirty and suggestive in his comments. Not inappropriately so, given how long we've known each other. but it was very fun and led me to think that we would be on a date very soon! mostly because he said that we would see each other soon. I didn't assume anything. at one point, he said that he and the ex weren't even dating anymore, that they were in a weird limbo. Now in retrospect, I'm wondering what that means. Limbo. What is limbo?

Now he's been back in town two weeks. I've heard nothing. I finally broke my rule of not contacting the guy, and sent him a feeler text message a week ago and he responded within minutes, and was very sweet and funny and still seemed to be interested. said he was out of town again for work, but wished he could see me that night. But...now, a week later, nothing. he is a bit of a workaholic, but I'm cool with that cause I work in the same field and I get being busy with work and all of that.

HOWEVER, my suspicion is that he is still hung up on the ex. I hate how much info is available out there on the internet about a person. But his online music playlist is linked on his facebook page, and if you click on what he's listening to, all he's done is listen to sad breakup songs for the past few weeks. And he's not a cheesy music kind of guy. More of a classic rock guy. I haven't peeked again at his playlist because it seems so invasive, but I really think this particular guy is too hung up on the ex-fiance to be ready to date me.

My friends say it's a good sign in that he's waiting to be ready for a new relationship before he goes out with me. (Since he still keeps saying he wants to see me.) That he's not just trying for a one-nighter. but i don't know...part of me (the newly divorced part) would really like even a one-nighter with this hot guy at this point in my life!

Any advice/suggestions/thoughts? Thanks!
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #2  April 20,2010, 1:23pm
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My advice -- come right out and ask him if he is interested if you are. If either of you aren't interested than just move on.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  April 20,2010, 1:54pm
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readytodate wrote :
but i don't know...part of me (the newly divorced part) would really like even a one-nighter with this hot guy at this point in my life!

Any advice/suggestions/thoughts? Thanks!
if this is what you want why dont you just ask him

you sound like you aren't too sure if you want to even be in a relationship, and if newly divorced then maybe thats better

i mean, if i were interested in a guy romantically (as in long term committed relationship), i would never accept a fling with him
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #4  April 20,2010, 1:55pm
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By saying that his relationship was 'on hold' and 'in limbo' i believe he was trying to convey that it wasn't yet over. Because when people's relationships are indeed over, they say that plainly.

And while he could be trying to get over his ex, keep in mind that he may be telling you he's in limbo only because he's actively trying to reconcile with her and she hasn't said yes yet. Either possibility seems plausible to me.

If all you are interested in is a hot night, he may be willing to oblige, but I wouldn't go in expecting more if I were you; he doesn't seem to be a good candidate for that.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  April 20,2010, 2:24pm
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I agree with FairOne, he's not 'getting over' her ...he's trying to reconcile with her. Big difference.

Sadly, he's giving you just enough attention, saying the 'right' things, to keep you as Plan B if it doesn't work out for him and her.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #6  April 20,2010, 2:32pm
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Keep in touch with him and don't push things. He needs time to either reconcile with his ex or fail trying.

But even then, here's something to keep in mind. If he and his ex do finally end things, any relationship that he starts right after will likely be a rebound relationship.

What this means is he won't really be over her. He may tend to compare his new gf to his ex. In other work, he may overreact over stuff you do that reminds him of his ex.
 
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phoenix888 is offline phoenix888 Post #7  April 20,2010, 2:33pm
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I agree. He's definitely not over her.

I only did this type of thing once (dated a guy after an ambiguous breakup with his fiance). It didn't go well. In fact, I felt like I was on the business end of a yo-yo. Lesson learned! LOL!

Just be friends if you can... if not, walk away.
Be gentle to yourself after your divorce, and don't get entangled in this sort of complication.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #8  April 20,2010, 4:52pm
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robv_la wrote :
Keep in touch with him and don't push things. He needs time to either reconcile with his ex or fail trying.
I don't really agree with the part about the rebound relationship, but I give this +1. Sounds like the guy needs some time to do some sorting. That's reasonable. You probably do too, if you're just coming out of a divorce.

I'd keep the contact light and not attach to an outcome. Maybe it will only be a nice friendship. That's not a bad outcome either is it?

As far as rebounds go ... people can and do start relationships right after a breakup that last, so to me, that's not a big deal.

Good luck.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  April 20,2010, 5:23pm
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readytodate you asked for advice so here is my advice.

First, you say that you "just" got divorced. I don't know how long a "just" is but you need to take at least a year after your divorce became final before beginning to date. There was a recent thread on this and most of the posters said that it took them much longer than one year to get to a point where they felt they were ready to start dating again. You owe it to yourself and to the guys that you are going to eventually date proper time spent to recover from your divorce and get yourself in a good mental position to date.

Second, it is clear that his relationship / engagement has not ended. Using words like "on hold" and "in limbo" is a clear indication that they have not truly broken up, at least in his mind. If and when his relationship / engagement truly ends he will need to take time to heal and get himself in a good mental place to begin dating again. This could take a year or more also.

Another bit of advice, forget texting and Facebook for dating.
 
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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #10  April 21,2010, 6:12am
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thanks so much for all of the input. you guys all said exactly what I was thinking - that he's not over the ex and that he is still hoping to reconcile with her - and so that is why he's not asking me out, despite him saying that we were going to go out, and then not following through with an actual date, but instead, more flirting and chatting and such.

ah well...given that knowledge, it's obviously better to let him have his time to work this out, whichever way it goes for him. and since I do like him so much, and will have to see him at a work-related function in a few months no matter what happens now, better to let him deal with all of this and then, I figure, if he's ready when we do see each other naturally through the work event in a few months, he'll let me know.

my gut instinct is that if you are trying to work something out that hard with an ex-fiance, in the end, it is simply not going to work. engagements shouldn't be that hard. but he will have to find that out for himself. so eventually he will be available, but only after this is behind him.

thanks again for all the helpful input. I really do like this guy and so it does help to be able to put it in the past for now and let him go.
 
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