Unrealistic guy or is it me?


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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #1  April 17,2010, 3:18pm
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Met a guy a few months ago here on eH. Because of our travel schedules we emailed for several weeks before meeting. This created a bond and the relationship went fast from there.

Fast forward to a good dating relationship and a lot of talk about the future.

What I quickly see, however, is that this very busy man is trying to shoe horn me into his life. He was busy 24/7 before the relationship. He travels most of the week and has a very active recreation calendar--cycling, hiking, camping, skiing, all men social groups, grown kids he spends time with.

When we discussed taking a first vacation, a few days into the planning he mentioned he'd like his adult child to come and that we should spend half of the time visiting his brother and his other adult child. he aalso mentioned a friend joining for part of it so they could cycle. He assumed all this would be Ok--he didn't ask.

When we discuss his lack of availability he tells me to be patient--work will slow down. It's clear he doesn't want his recreation to. It's also clear his hope that work will slow down is unrealistic.

Another thing that has become clear is that this was a problem in his last 2 relationships, but he saw it as the womens' problems.

Run?
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #2  April 17,2010, 3:26pm
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Let me guess- if he'd planned the vacation to not include seeing others, you'd be starting a thread asking why he doesn't want you to meet his family.

Hint: when he mentioned he'd like to include them, that was his way of asking if it was OK (as if he needs your permission anyway). He could have let you find out when the trip started.

And God forbid he's allowed any recreation or social activities.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  April 17,2010, 3:26pm
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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Interesting how "include me in" is interpreted as "shoe-horn me into" ...

At the very least, you obviously feel like you aren't getting what you want out of this relationship (time? mutual respect?) ...at the worst, you might feel like it's all about 'him'.

If that's how you feel, then yeah, probably best that you walk away from this one.
 
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talltwin is offline talltwin Post #4  April 17,2010, 3:32pm
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The answer is simple, people do what is important, "busy" is a copout. Sorry to say, spending time with you is not that important to him. I have been in a relationship like this before and I've learned that you have to trust the behavior to see where you are in a relationship.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #5  April 17,2010, 3:33pm

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I think you answered your own question. He views any objection to the way he plans or prioritizes his time as the woman's problem. You can accept his way of doing things and see him when it's convenient for him or, find someone else who understands the term compromise.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #6  April 17,2010, 4:03pm
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The men think it's me, the women see my side.

I also did not fully explain. It was not a matter of including me in his already planned vacation--it's how he views vacation ideas. He wants to bring his kid on our first vacation? I have not even met him and would not have the chance to as he's in college in another state.

It's also funny how he described the past relationship problems. He described one woman as wanting him to just stay in and watch TV. He said the other was always mad if he didn't spend every moment of a weekend with her or if a problem with his children (again, college age) made him late. These things seemed legit. Now I see in all probability they just wanted him to slow down and spend some time with them.

I have my own interests and am happy if a man does, but I do think if you want to get a relationship off the ground it needs to be a priority.

Too bad, great guy but he simply doesn't get the need to compromize and prioritize.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  April 17,2010, 4:37pm
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I'd see this as a clear, significant incompatibility.

I would not accept a woman trying to change my work schedule, but recreational interests i would be open to negotiate.

Taking a vacation that has other family is something I would not do. Unless he was clear that you would have the choices in the next vacation, I would be disinclined to think keeping this man is a good idea.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  April 17,2010, 5:22pm
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beachgirl5 wrote :
The men think it's me, the women see my side.

I also did not fully explain. It was not a matter of including me in his already planned vacation--it's how he views vacation ideas. He wants to bring his kid on our first vacation? I have not even met him and would not have the chance to as he's in college in another state.

It's also funny how he described the past relationship problems. He described one woman as wanting him to just stay in and watch TV. He said the other was always mad if he didn't spend every moment of a weekend with her or if a problem with his children (again, college age) made him late. These things seemed legit. Now I see in all probability they just wanted him to slow down and spend some time with them.

I have my own interests and am happy if a man does, but I do think if you want to get a relationship off the ground it needs to be a priority.

Too bad, great guy but he simply doesn't get the need to compromise and prioritize.
I am a guy and I say to run away from this one.

"Busy" will never work with me as an excuse. You make time for those things that are truly important to you. His actions certainly are telling that you are not at the top of his list of important things.

This is a bit of wisdom that I find fits situations such as yours (though the age may be a bit off, didn't check):

"Life is shorter than we think, and people are more important than things. When we face the inevitable pressures of life and it’s constant demands, we’ll never regret erring on the side of family. But 30 and 40 year olds can be notoriously shortsighted in this regard. Once you see how pitifully unfulfilling achieved ambition is apart from meaningful relationships that hard heart of yours is likely to grow soft."
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #9  April 17,2010, 5:28pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I'd see this as a clear, significant incompatibility.
I agree. It sounds like your expectations are quite different from his. I don't think it is his fault or your fault... him being unrealistic or you being unrealistic... I think the two of you have different expectations of a relationship.

Either get used to his expectations or give up. The only person in a relationship you can change is you.
 
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nemolovich is offline nemolovich Post #10  April 17,2010, 6:01pm
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I agree to let him go and I am a guy. A single one mind you , but still a guy. I think it comes down to maturity and selfishness, which is actually the truth if you honestly look at the situation. He wants all the cake and to eat it too...

I meet girls who are similar. They want a good career, very active social life but they are still looking for that one guy to complete their life so they can settle down and have kids? It's all about priorities, if you want a healthy commited relationship, it takes alot of time and energy, period. If you are going to be with me, I want the majority of your time outside of work and the necessities, not all of it, but the majority of it. If that means you have to make some changes to your life then go ahead it's your choice. Contact me in a few months if I am still single!
Last edited by nemolovich; April 17,2010 at 6:05pm.
 
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