Mr. Right Now, while emailing with Mr. Right?


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iamgermajesty is offline iamgermajesty Post #1  April 16,2010, 6:15am
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Here's my situation:

I am an American living overseas in Germany so many of the men I end up dating are in the military. I've got no problem with the Europeans! I think it's just a who-you're-used-to kind of thing.

Last month, I was matched with two guys. I began emailing and communicating with both of them around the same time. Guy #1 disclosed that he was currently stationed in the Middle East and wouldn't be returning to here until later this year. Guy #2 currently lives here.

After emailing and phoning with #2 for about two weeks, we met in person and hit it off. Since then, we have had about four dates. Over the course of getting to know him, I learned that he is recently divorced. I am in my early twenties, so I would say that right now, I'm looking for a potential partner who hasn't been married before. So this is kind of a turn-off for me. Also, some things have come up about his personality and his relationship with his family (which is a big deal to me) that I'm not so keen on.

Guy #2 and I have not discussed anything long-term and I am coming to the realization that I don't believe we're really a good long term match. Then, I recently found out that he will be deploying later on this year, a month or two after Guy #1 returns.

All the while, I have been emailing and Skyping with Guy #1. He and I seem to get along fantastically. He has all the checks in the "pro" column that I can check without having actually met him in person.

The problem is this: I don't want to create a fantasy image of Guy #1 in my head and I do really enjoy spending time with Guy #2. But is it horrible of me to think that when #1 returns, I will prefer him over #2? Is it leading #2 on for me to continue spending time with him, I just don't see it going anywhere?

Like I said before, I'm still young and I don't want to go down the aisle tomorrow, so I have no problem with casual dating. But I don't want #2 to think I'm just using him as a placeholder until #1 shows up on the scene.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  April 16,2010, 6:17am
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I think you need to find a guy #3 to fill the gap.
Last edited by tweet37; April 16,2010 at 6:18am. Reason: And quit leading guy #2 on.
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #3  April 16,2010, 6:37am
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#1 should be upset that you're using him as a back-up plan.

#2 should be upset that you're leading him on and wasting his time.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  April 16,2010, 6:42am
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You just admitted yourself that you do not see a future with Guy#2 so STOP wasting his time and STOP leading him on thinking that he has a future with you when he doesn't. In other words quit using him for company and dump him. He deserves better and so do you for that matter. For as long as you are keeping him around, you are actually stopping yourself from finding the guy who is right for you.

Guy#1 is a fantasy and an illusion. Sure you can keep maintaining contact with him, but get out and date others and see what happens. When you meet someone who is truly right for you, you'll know and you will not have any dilemmas about who to pick for what.
 
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n25philly is offline n25philly Post #5  April 16,2010, 6:42am
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threesome
 
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iamgermajesty is offline iamgermajesty Post #6  April 16,2010, 6:46am
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Let me make something clear:

#2 told me about his recent divorce because he doesn't want to be involved in a serious relationship. Do you think that he's now expecting something longer term?

#1 has said he realizes that I will see other people and not be waiting around for him to return, expecting us to be perfect for each other. Which I'm not. Or trying my best not to.
Last edited by iamgermajesty; April 16,2010 at 6:51am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 16,2010, 6:58am
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Until BOTH you and your partner have discussed and agreed to be in an exclusive relationship you are both free to date whomever you choose. You indicate that you have not discussed exclusivity with either guy #1 or guy #2. So from this standpoint it is fine for you to be talking to guy #1 and dating guy #2.

However, since guy # 2 has some issues that you are not comfortable with for someone in a long term relationship you need to do something about this. You need to either end your relationship with guy #2 or come to a very clear understanding that there is no potential for something long term with him.
 
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iamgermajesty is offline iamgermajesty Post #8  April 16,2010, 7:01am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Until BOTH you and your partner have discussed and agreed to be in an exclusive relationship you are both free to date whomever you choose. You indicate that you have not discussed exclusivity with either guy #1 or guy #2. So from this standpoint it is fine for you to be talking to guy #1 and dating guy #2.

However, since guy # 2 has some issues that you are not comfortable with for someone in a long term relationship you need to do something about this. You need to either end your relationship with guy #2 or come to a very clear understanding that there is no potential for something long term with him.
This is what I was thinking but wanted to make sure I wasn't just rationalizing away in my own head. And my girlfriends I normally chat with have way to many problems of their own to give me a straight answer!

I had definitely plan on having a "this is the deal" talk with fella #2 to make sure he's not misled.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  April 16,2010, 7:02am
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iamgermajesty wrote :
Let me make something clear:

#2 told me about his recent divorce because he doesn't want to be involved in a serious relationship. Do you think that he's now expecting something longer term?

#1 has said he realizes that I will see other people and not be waiting around for him to return, expecting us to be perfect for each other. Which I'm not. Or trying my best not to.
I (we) have no way of knowing what he is really thinking. But unless you both have a clear understanding that you are only going out on a casual basis then he could be getting the impression that some time in the future there is more of a relationship potential with you than what you envision.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #10  April 16,2010, 7:04am
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DancingFool wrote :
Guy#1 is a fantasy and an illusion.
And so is guy #2.

From a previous post: "I'd say it's around a 80,000 on the 1-10 scale and I just wanted to share my joy "
 
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