MDAnna81 is offline MDAnna81 Post #1  April 14,2010, 12:15pm
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I may come off sounding bitter but as a guy in the dating scene, all the expectations that are involved are wearing me out. It may come as a surprise to you ladies but being the pursuer is not all that much fun and can be a chore. In a lot of ways I feel like men are more and more being pushed into a corner where we foot all the responsibility with none of the payoff.

A simple example of what I'm talking about... the fact that men almost always pay for the date. This means that it's expensive as hell to multi-date as a guy but you ladies can date all week and not have to worry about it. I've also talked to a number of women who see it as wrong for a guy to date multiple women because he's taking the initiative whereas it's fine for a woman because her role is passive.

Now if I like the girl I'm generally happy to "provide" for her because it makes me feel good. In reality I do it because it's the norm and I've been groomed to think this way. Essentially, by expecting guys to make the first move, pay for the date, call the next day, etc, women put most of the responsibility on the men.

In short, I'm frusterated that I deal with expectations and consequences while the women I date are just along for the ride, until they feel comfortable enough to make a decision about my value.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a lady hater. I'm just taking the opportunity to vent and would love to hear what the women out there think.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #2  April 14,2010, 2:06pm
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MDAnna81 wrote :
A simple example of what I'm talking about... the fact that men almost always pay for the date. This means that it's expensive as hell to multi-date as a guy but you ladies can date all week and not have to worry about it. I've also talked to a number of women who see it as wrong for a guy to date multiple women because he's taking the initiative whereas it's fine for a woman because her role is passive.
You can argue that first point til the USA pays off all its national debt, but it won't get you anywhere.

You can control the spending a few ways- by not choosing expensive places, by going on some dates that don't involve dinner, by meeting for coffee the first time, by expecting your date to chip in after you've gone out a few times, etc. Or you can take your chances and try to go dutch, but realize most women aren't into that if it's a real date.

I haven't heard anyone make that last point, but it's insane. If we were in a society where women didn't have the ability to decline a date, it would make sense, but otherwise, it's just stupid. Do these people also think it's OK for women to sleep with multiple guys if the guys are initiating that?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 14,2010, 2:10pm
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How odd! If you "feel good to provide," I have a big tax bill you can pay for !!!

***

Regarding your experience, I long ago accepted that, if you don't want to disproportuntely pay, then don't. I refuse to give subsidy, and I couldn't care less to get dumped for that.

Really, freeing yourself from this frustration is that easy: decide what you want to optimize for.

- Greatest number of second dates? Then buying your way to that is the way to go.

- Partners who fit your values? Then require equitability or walk.

As to the "multi-dating," I have the opposite view. As a male, I have the right to "multi-date," because I have evolved without the ability to ascertain any offspring produced by my partner are, in fact, mine. Thus, fidelity is a duty for the female but not the male.

(Note that genetic science - but not the legal system - have now the ability give me such assurance, but that's still the reason.)

In any case, from online sites it does seem commonly accepted to date multiple partners. I don't personally, and I don't see the benefit to doing so, myself.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #4  April 14,2010, 3:16pm
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I, and many other women on dating sites, always pay our share of a date or alternate paying for dates. Sometimes a man insists on paying because he feels that is a gentleman's role, but most of the time the men I have dated a glad to share costs.

As for taking the initiative in getting to know someone, I admit that I had never done this in the past but in the last couple of years I have been learning how to do that and finding that it is received quite well.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  April 14,2010, 3:52pm
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I have neither the time nor the energy to "multi-date" when I am dating and I'm certainly not looking for free meals.

You're either dating the wrong women or maybe some expectations of your own are creating this issue for you?

It's a fine thing to want to provide for someone you care for. I think it's a bit much these days to provide for strangers who may or may not become part of your life. Keep the first dates simple and inexpensive. Look for her offer to pay for the second date. If it's not forthcoming, you also need to initiate that conversation or be willing to let her go.

I agree that an undue burden is generally placed on men to initiate, but make sure you're not wasting it on women who are just looking for something to do. A couple of brief, inexpensive dates to get to know them. If they're worth knowing, they'll stick around for the good stuff (and offer to help foot the bill).

And I don't know who you're talking to who thinks it's okay for women to do something (multi-date) though not okay for men to, but that's just crazy talk. Call it what it is and move on.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #6  April 14,2010, 4:50pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
I have neither the time nor the energy to "multi-date" when I am dating and I'm certainly not looking for free meals.

You're either dating the wrong women or maybe some expectations of your own are creating this issue for you?

It's a fine thing to want to provide for someone you care for. I think it's a bit much these days to provide for strangers who may or may not become part of your life. Keep the first dates simple and inexpensive. Look for her offer to pay for the second date. If it's not forthcoming, you also need to initiate that conversation or be willing to let her go.

I agree that an undue burden is generally placed on men to initiate, but make sure you're not wasting it on women who are just looking for something to do. A couple of brief, inexpensive dates to get to know them. If they're worth knowing, they'll stick around for the good stuff (and offer to help foot the bill).

And I don't know who you're talking to who thinks it's okay for women to do something (multi-date) though not okay for men to, but that's just crazy talk. Call it what it is and move on.

My offer still stands
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #7  April 14,2010, 4:51pm
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D_Lion explains it well. You choose how you date and what type of people you date.

So you have only yourself to blame if you feel you are paying too often for dates or you seem to have to take most of the intiative to setup dates.

Frankly, I stop seeing a woman if it's obvious to me she expects me to pay for everything, always drive close to her, and take all the initiative for the next date (phone calls, plans, etc.)

There are guys who love doing that, many of them can be found on suggardaddy dating websites.

Don't get be wrong, I'm not a cheapskate, I'll treat a woman on dates, especially when I want to take her somewhere special. However, if it's obvious she is always expecting that or if she is taking my special effort for granted, then I move on.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #8  April 14,2010, 4:52pm
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I am sorry to hear that you end up paying for all your dates and the expectations that you feel have been put on you by traditional ideas . On my dates, I have run into a different problem in the past, that I was looked down upon, because I even suggested paying for half. Like why not?? I earn a living as much as anyone else does, and I can afford to pay my own way. After all, online dating is different and everyone should pay their own way until they get to know each other better. ( But that's just the way that I look at it

On my next excursion, I was politely asked to pay for half of it. I said "no problem" after all, it will be an expensive one, but worthwhile

But don't feel the need to live up to everyone else's expectations, you live in this world too, set your own limits and live by them
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  April 14,2010, 4:53pm
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  April 14,2010, 5:04pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I've seen that women oftentimes think of this in terms of their being willing to pay for dates somewhere down the road. However, the problem is that it's fairly common for them to expect the man to pay on the first date or two. Say a man goes on 2 dates with 4 different women in a month.....that's 8 dates / month he's paying for. That can get a bit expensive.

Were there other expectations the OP is tired of.....or is this only about paying for dates?
 
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