Being private vs. secretive


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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #1  April 13,2010, 6:23pm
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It seems there is a fine line between being a private person and being secretive, and that it takes on different nuances in a dating/love relationship.

Two examples that recently occurred to people I know:

---Three months into an exclusive relationship, one partner tells another about his now-adult child's run-in with the law (drug conviction) when the child was a minor. The adult child has now been clean and sober for ten years. His partner accuses him of keeping it a "secret," while the man believes it was a matter of privacy that he chose to wait to divulge until further into the relationship.

---One month into an exclusive relationship, one partner tells another she declared bankruptcy five years earlier (due to her ex-husband's poor judgment). She has re-built her credit, is gainfully employed, has no debt and is not seeking financial assistance from her partner. He thinks she has been secretive, whereas she views it as a private matter that she chose to tell him after their relationship was further along.

I'm curious to hear others' thoughts on these issues, as well as other examples, and also your opinions about the timing of divulging such information (and its impact on the trust in a relationship). I'm not talking about obvious issues (e.g. being secretly married or having an STD). I'm asking about issues that may be open to interpretation.
 
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illustrator is offline illustrator Post #2  April 13,2010, 6:32pm
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Neither.

Those two things are now insignificant, like your grade on your 3rd grade math test.
 
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emmanuelle is offline emmanuelle Post #3  April 13,2010, 6:32pm
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Great question. The real question, I think, is how willing are you to let your partner know you for all you are? If you think they'd like to know, it's probably a good idea to tell them. If they find out anyway, it is going to go down badly...
 
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StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #4  April 13,2010, 6:34pm
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I see both of your examples as matters of privacy and largely irrelevant. Neither of them materially impact the relationship, unless of course the person who regards a particular case as secretive uses it to do so.
Last edited by StuckOnYou; April 13,2010 at 6:36pm. Reason: grammar
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #5  April 13,2010, 6:35pm
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Personally after only one month, I don't think my finances are anyone's business.

And as far as the guy's grown child, that's noone's business either. There's a third party involved.

I would consider both of these examples as being privacy-related.
 
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Northern_Gal is offline Northern_Gal Post #6  April 13,2010, 6:40pm
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NYCpigeon wrote :
Personally after only one month, I don't think my finances are anyone's business.

And as far as the guy's grown child, that's noone's business either. There's a third party involved.

I would consider both of these examples as being privacy-related.
What she said.
 
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edwardtx is offline edwardtx Post #7  April 13,2010, 7:04pm
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Accusing a partner of "being secretive" after only one to three months in an exclusive relationship, and on the types of matters noted here, is nonsense.

I would be inclined to see this as a red flag against anyone who would raise cain over such relatively trivial matters so early in a relationship.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #8  April 13,2010, 7:10pm
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I would not continue a long-term relationship with anyone who did NOT have some interesting stuff in their background. We all have relatives, and we all have history. So long as it is outside the relationship, it doesn't matter. But, it IS interesting!
 
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illustrator is offline illustrator Post #9  April 13,2010, 7:14pm
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annother wrote :
I would not continue a long-term relationship with anyone who did NOT have some interesting stuff in their background.

I got a gold star on that 3rd grade math test . . . .
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #10  April 13,2010, 7:18pm
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illustrator wrote :
I got a gold star on that 3rd grade math test . . . .
But did you win the spelling bee?
 
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