Keeping in Touch with Other Women?


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emmanuelle is offline emmanuelle Post #1  April 12,2010, 12:12pm
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I could use some straight talk. I’ve been working this out in my head far too long.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, living together for about half that time. Other than the problem I am about to describe, we get along well and there have been no real problems.

Early in our relationship, he had been “unfaithful” to me twice–neither time sexually, both times involving inappropriate acts with some other women that he knew. He confessed to me the second time; I found out the first time.

It was really hard for me to deal with that, but after counseling and long hours of crying, I feel like I am actually in a good place and am ready to learn to trust hime again.

However, now he wants to keep in touch with some other women he has been sexually involved with in the past–as friends. I find the idea unbearable, given that all his instances of infidelity (twice with me, twice with one of his previous girlfriends) have had to do with women he had been friends with or involved with in the past.

He seems to feel strongly that he is now in a better place, and knows that he has to protect our relationship. He listens patiently to me when I tell him it is hard for me to accept these friendships at this point; however, he then continues these friendships and has even lied to me about being in touch with them.

What should I to do? Please help. I don't think I am an insecure person and prior to these affairs, I had not had any trouble with him seeing these women. Even after the first incident, I had not been insistent that he stop communicating with these women. It is now after the second incident that I feel so strongly about this.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 12,2010, 2:59pm
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I do not think you will succeed if you try to prevent him from having certain friends, including female friends, and including ex-partners.

Also, if a partner wants to cheat, they will find ways to do it. On this issue, I think the only really valid approach is to consider the history (which is not promising), and then consider if you'll accept it. After that, it's really just luck.

You might try to investigate what he is getting from these other partners, and then evaluate whether you wish to make a modification in your relationship so that you can provide that. (Personally, I think this is unlikely to succeed.)

Therefore, I think the best approach is to find a new partner. (Keeping in mind, of course, that fidelity can never be guaranteed - at least you can select one with no known insteances of it.)
Last edited by D_Lion; April 12,2010 at 3:02pm.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  April 12,2010, 3:21pm
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emmanuelle wrote :
I could use some straight talk. I’ve been working this out in my head far too long.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, living together for about half that time. Other than the problem I am about to describe, we get along well and there have been no real problems.

Early in our relationship, he had been “unfaithful” to me twice–neither time sexually, both times involving inappropriate acts with some other women that he knew. He confessed to me the second time; I found out the first time.

It was really hard for me to deal with that, but after counseling and long hours of crying, I feel like I am actually in a good place and am ready to learn to trust hime again.

However, now he wants to keep in touch with some other women he has been sexually involved with in the past–as friends. I find the idea unbearable, given that all his instances of infidelity (twice with me, twice with one of his previous girlfriends) have had to do with women he had been friends with or involved with in the past.

He seems to feel strongly that he is now in a better place, and knows that he has to protect our relationship. He listens patiently to me when I tell him it is hard for me to accept these friendships at this point; however, he then continues these friendships and has even lied to me about being in touch with them.

What should I to do? Please help. I don't think I am an insecure person and prior to these affairs, I had not had any trouble with him seeing these women. Even after the first incident, I had not been insistent that he stop communicating with these women. It is now after the second incident that I feel so strongly about this.
You're fairly ambiguous with the terms you've used to describe his actions:
unfaithful(but not sexually)
infidelity..etc...
So, I assume he's doing "everything but"..bottom line is I can't say as I blame you, I think I'd feel the same.

If you can't get over this on your own or by talking with him, and you still see that you want to pursue any kind of future, I'd suggest counseling for both of you.

At this point, I think he owes you that.
Last edited by TheThinker; April 12,2010 at 3:25pm.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #4  April 12,2010, 3:28pm
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It seems to me that the issue involves more than his friendships with other women.

For me, the issue would be whether I want to continue to invest in a relationship with a man who has cheated at least four times in the past. Since I've never cheated on anyone, I'd feel like I deserve better.

Good luck in making the right decision for you.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #5  April 12,2010, 4:11pm
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If you hadn't mentioned “unfaithful” (whatever that means), I'd say he should be able to have female friends...

But if he's already been “unfaithful” (whatever that mean) and the women in question are ones he's been with in the past, it sounds like your choice is to end it with him or accept that he will likely be “unfaithful” (whatever that means) again in the future. In other words, I wouldn't expect him to change. It's possible he could, but I wouldn't bet on it.
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #6  April 12,2010, 5:14pm
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emmanuelle wrote :

He seems to feel strongly that he is now in a better place, and knows that he has to protect our relationship. He listens patiently to me when I tell him it is hard for me to accept these friendships at this point; however, he then continues these friendships and has even lied to me about being in touch with them.
As I read down through this story I was thinking that mabye this guy could be given the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking that cheaters can change and if he's truly "reformed" and you really like the guy then maybe it could work. Then I got to the last part of that sentence, where you say he has lied to you about communicating with them -- and I changed my mind.

See, the problem with this guy isn't just the cheating; the lying is a big problem too. Even if the lie you've caught him in was a small "white" one, you'd be justified in wondering if there are bigger lies he hasn't been caught in. And right there is the problem: This guy has relinquished his trustworthiness -- even if he's not cheating, he's still lying. And you can't have a healthy relationship when you don't have trust.

By continuing to put up with this kind of selfish behavior, you are "enabling" him -- you're sending the message, however unintentionally, that his behavior is OK because even if you say it's not OK, you take him back every time.

Everyone deserves a second chance but this guy has had enough chances; kick him to the curb and find someone who will show you the respect you deserve.
 
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Northern_Gal is offline Northern_Gal Post #7  April 12,2010, 5:30pm
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emmanuelle wrote :
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, living together for about half that time. Other than the problem I am about to describe, we get along well and there have been no real problems.
I would be concerned about the amount of problems in such a short time period

Early in our relationship, he had been “unfaithful” to me twice–neither time sexually, both times involving inappropriate acts with some other women that he knew. He confessed to me the second time; I found out the first time.
Could you be a little more specific?

It was really hard for me to deal with that, but after counseling and long hours of crying, I feel like I am actually in a good place and am ready to learn to trust hime again.
Were you both equally involved in this counselling?

However, now he wants to keep in touch with some other women he has been sexually involved with in the past–as friends. I find the idea unbearable, given that all his instances of infidelity (twice with me, twice with one of his previous girlfriends) have had to do with women he had been friends with or involved with in the past.

He seems to feel strongly that he is now in a better place, and knows that he has to protect our relationship. He listens patiently to me when I tell him it is hard for me to accept these friendships at this point; however, he then continues these friendships and has even lied to me about being in touch with them.
Yep, BIG red flag...

What should I to do? Please help. I don't think I am an insecure person and prior to these affairs, I had not had any trouble with him seeing these women. Even after the first incident, I had not been insistent that he stop communicating with these women. It is now after the second incident that I feel so strongly about this.
I would definitely be hesitant to continue in a relationship with such a lack of respect for a partner that there is still lying and sneaking around going on. I suspect you know this but the decision, in the end, is yours, and nobody else's.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  April 12,2010, 5:53pm
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At this point, with your shared history, it isn't really about you being insecure. It's about him needing to prove that he's trustworthy.

The way he's chosen to do that is by putting himself in temptation's path and then lying to you about it.

Does that seem like something that strengthens your relationship or weakens it? Because, I'd be thinking that it was just the same old song, different day.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  April 12,2010, 6:11pm
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You asked what you should do.

He has a long demonstrated flaw of cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater. Put on your track shoes and run away very fast. And don't look back!!!

As for having opposite sex friends, this should not be a problem. I have many female friends, but that is what they are now and have always been and will always be. None are former romantic partners or even fantasy romantic partners.
 
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emmanuelle is offline emmanuelle Post #10  April 13,2010, 4:39pm
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Thanks to all for responding and for asking follow-up questions.

Some additional info:
1) He exchanged sexually explicit text messages with one girl; he made out with another.

2) He emails them, calls them, wants to meet up with them

3) He doesn't mind my meeting them I don't think, but the opportunity hasn't arisen. Maybe that's a good idea and I should consider doing this. It will be hard for me, though...

4) He is great with me--very supportive and loving. We have been to counseling together, and today he just set up an appointment to go on his own...
 
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