So I really like her, now how do I not blow it?


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stylebook is offline stylebook Post #1  April 11,2010, 6:41pm
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I've had some pretty good success on eHarmony and have been on a number of dates with some great women. It's depleted my bank account, but they have been great experiences.

Anyway, one of the women I met is amazing and she's kind of throwing me for a loop, so to speak. Generally I don't get too worked up about dating someone until it's been a couple of months and we decide to be exclusive. But this girl has me thinking about her all the time and wanting to spend as much time as possible with her.

We've only been out a couple of times but they have been amazing and it's almost scary how many things we have in common.

So, what's the problem? Well, I'm concerned that I'm going to be too aggressive or pursue her too much and scare her off. We do have another date set up for this week, but I feel like a love-sick teenager and I'm pretty sure I'll be counting down the days until we see each other again.

I guess my question is, how much contact is too much when first dating someone? I'm sure it's different for every person, but I'd love to hear what everyone thinks about this.
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #2  April 11,2010, 7:16pm
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stylebook wrote :
It's depleted my bank account
Brother, I hear ya on that!

Well, congratulations on finding a good woman. As for your dilemma, just remember that staying grounded in your own life is important. Don't stop hanging out with friends, engaging in whatever hobbies you have and don't forget to do your income tax just to make time to be with this girl.

Ehh, that's probably obvious advice. On second thought, I suck at this kind of thing too, so you probably shouldn't take advice from me.
 
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beatlejuice72 is offline beatlejuice72 Post #3  April 11,2010, 7:29pm

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stylebook wrote :
I've had some pretty good success on eHarmony and have been on a number of dates with some great women. It's depleted my bank account, but they have been great experiences.

Anyway, one of the women I met is amazing and she's kind of throwing me for a loop, so to speak. Generally I don't get too worked up about dating someone until it's been a couple of months and we decide to be exclusive. But this girl has me thinking about her all the time and wanting to spend as much time as possible with her.

We've only been out a couple of times but they have been amazing and it's almost scary how many things we have in common.

So, what's the problem? Well, I'm concerned that I'm going to be too aggressive or pursue her too much and scare her off. We do have another date set up for this week, but I feel like a love-sick teenager and I'm pretty sure I'll be counting down the days until we see each other again.

I guess my question is, how much contact is too much when first dating someone? I'm sure it's different for every person, but I'd love to hear what everyone thinks about this.
Take it from personal experience, brother. Don't make yourself so available. It's great that you're happy and excited about the prospects of this potential relationship, but don't close the door yet on other women. For one thing, she's probably seeing other men besides you. For another, if she knows she's got competition, it's going to benefit you more. Just be yourself, but remember to compliment her on how she looks. Always. And ask her about how her day went, what she's got going on, etc. Don't make the conversation about you. Be a listener more than a talker. And my last bit of advice would be to ask her honestly where she wants to take this. If she's interested in you, she'll tell you. If not, she'll tell you. Better to find out rather than keep playing the waiting game.
 
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kslpghpa is offline kslpghpa Post #4  April 11,2010, 7:38pm
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Your thread came up after I posted mine titled 'No Expectations'. I think we're talking about similar things. I'll be checking your thread. Thought you'd like to know about mine.

In my case, there is definite mutual interest. She seems to want to take it slow. I've tried to find light hearted ways to let her know my interest without pushing too hard. We're having fun and I'm working to be content with that. I'm trying to keep the perspective that I know she's interested and I'll be seeing her again, so I can focus on other activities and responsibilities without obsessing over finding someone (anyone!), or trying to push this one too fast. In other words, I'm trying to take the attitude 'OK. There's something developing here. Just let it be, run it's own course. Nothing I can do right now to further it along and overdoing it might screw it up. She knows I'm interested and seems to return my interest. Better to just focus on other things until the next time we're together.'
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #5  April 11,2010, 8:02pm
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Wow. This is actually hard from the female perspective because the situations I have been in like this would tend to make me more cautious. ~Sorry~

Having been the female in the situation with the guy calling me everyday, texting and generally giving the impression he really, really likes me (and sometimes saying it - along with texting things like "you know I think about you all the time, right?"), I liked it if I was also interested. And it moved a budding relationship along fast.

So what was the problem? The problem was that this love-sick teenager thing doesn't seem to last for the guy and so about the time he has really convinced me this is real, is when he starts pulling back or disappears. And not because of any fight or discovered big gap in values or whatever....just from the I'm.so.crazy.about.you stuff to nothing.

That part sucks, and I find myself wishing he had given some real thought to what he wanted and whether he was really prepared for a serious relationship.

It now makes me a bit more hesitant about the guy who acts like that. And that is a shame, because it would be nice to be able to go along with the flow, but I already know I am prepared to be in a committed relationship. I need to know he has really thought that through as well.

Now YMMV. These were just my situations and fairly fresh since this happened in my last two relationships, in which the guys decided they weren't really prepared to commit to anyone. And so far it seems true - both are still by themselves and not dating anyone.
 
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stylebook is offline stylebook Post #6  April 11,2010, 8:04pm
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Thanks for the advice guys. I'm probably making more out of this then there needs to be. I just want to let her know I'm interested, but not scare her into thinking I'm looking to get married tomorrow.

As for the specific advice you guys gave:

fanofsteel - I'm definitely not going to allow this to take away from my normal life activities and I already have other things lined up to do anyway. And I've already done my taxes, so no need to worry about that. Actually, I think I spent most of my tax return on our date - long story.

beatlejuice72 - I hear what you're saying, but I'm not going to play games and hint that I may or may not be seeing other people. She knows the deal and actually this is something we've talked about quite extensively. I don't really know her that well, but when she tells me she hasn't been out with anyone else, I believe her. That's not really an issue, but I have been going on dates with other women - although I'm now wondering if I'm wasting their time. Maybe a topic for another thread.

The compliment thing is a whole other issue. I'm really, really bad at giving compliments. But, I have been trying to compliment her every chance I get. I think that's one of the other things that concerns me - that I might overdo that now. Yes, I'm crazy!

kslpghpa - I think we're definitely in the same boat. I know you're not "supposed" to tell the other person that you're really into them, but I've said that to this girl because I just wanted to put it all out on the table. She's basically said the same thing to me, but to be honest I think we were both drunk by that point, so who knows what was said.

But I think your advice of just being myself and letting the chips fall where they may is the best thing. I guess we both need to follow that advice.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #7  April 11,2010, 8:08pm

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Many intelligent mature women prefer to take things a bit slowly. When yo're young, the crazy-mad Ka-powie I Just Met A Great Guy And I'm Madly In Love can be fun, but most of we women have left something like that pretty bruised.

I don't know your/her age, but for me, as I got older, I began to hold back a bit-self preservation more or less-still interested in being in love but not being taken over by hormones and pheromones as quickly.

There are lots of good ways to show her that you like her and have hopes without blurting it out on your 3rd date.

Some affectionate hand holding, hugs, focusing on her eyes as you talk, asking her about her day, listening to her when she talks....all these send the I Like You signal to her.

Good Luck and I hope she returns your affection. Think positive thoughts!
 
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stylebook is offline stylebook Post #8  April 11,2010, 8:13pm
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TXButtercup wrote :
Having been the female in the situation with the guy calling me everyday, texting and generally giving the impression he really, really likes me (and sometimes saying it - along with texting things like "you know I think about you all the time, right?"), I liked it if I was also interested. And it moved a budding relationship along fast.
I guess that's a good point, that if you're not into the person then an extreme level of interest is definitely annoying. If you feel the same way about the person it's welcomed. Unfortunately I cant read minds, and therein lies the problem. But, I should say that I'm definitely not to the point of calling and/or texting every day. We're going out later this week, and I probably won't call or text until closer to the actual date to hammer out the details ... although I really want to.

TXButtercup wrote :
It now makes me a bit more hesitant about the guy who acts like that. And that is a shame, because it would be nice to be able to go along with the flow, but I already know I am prepared to be in a committed relationship. I need to know he has really thought that through as well.

Now YMMV. These were just my situations and fairly fresh since this happened in my last two relationships, in which the guys decided they weren't really prepared to commit to anyone. And so far it seems true - both are still by themselves and not dating anyone.
I can see where you're coming from here and I don't blame you for being gun shy about guys like this now. But, I'm looking for a committed relationship. That's why I'm on eHarmony. And everything she's told me would seem to indicate she's looking for the same thing.

Again, as I said before, maybe I'm making too much out of this situation. I just am excited about what's happening and would really hate to mess it up somehow.
 
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stylebook is offline stylebook Post #9  April 11,2010, 8:20pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
I don't know your/her age, but for me, as I got older, I began to hold back a bit-self preservation more or less-still interested in being in love but not being taken over by hormones and pheromones as quickly.
We're both in our early 30s, so I think hormone and pheromone thing isn't too much of a problem. Maybe I gave the wrong impression when I said I felt like a teenager. I guess it's just the fact that I find myself thinking about her a lot.

RoxyRedhead wrote :
There are lots of good ways to show her that you like her and have hopes without blurting it out on your 3rd date.
Oooops, too late. I've basically already said as much to her - which I think is what is making me nervous. As I said earlier, she essentially said the same thing back to me, but it was after we were both a little liquored up, so...

RoxyRedhead wrote :
Some affectionate hand holding, hugs, focusing on her eyes as you talk, asking her about her day, listening to her when she talks....all these send the I Like You signal to her.
Yea, this has happened too and it seems to be reciprocal. The more I read these responses from you people the more I realize I'm crazy and I shouldn't be worrying about this so much.
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #10  April 11,2010, 8:35pm
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stylebook wrote :
I just am excited about what's happening and would really hate to mess it up somehow.

Ahhhhhh - and that is what we all want - that inside our gut squooshy feeling and excitement - that *lasts*

Best of luck - we're pulling for both of you
 
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