bwight is offline bwight Post #1  April 10,2010, 5:01pm
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Can you please explain why so many women I date seem to think they can change everything about me when we start dating? I have things I enjoy doing with my guy friends, basketball, racquetball, poker, having a couple drinks at the bar but it seems that women I date want me to stop these activities so I can spend more time with them or some other reason.

I only hang out with the guys 2 sometimes 3 times a week for a few hours. When there are other girls present I will invite a girl I'm dating but most of the time it's just guys. If she asks to meet my friends I gladly set something up where she can meet them. We talk about work, sports, and girls (typical guy stuff) it's just a way for me to vent about stuff and relax for a little bit.

I spend what I consider plenty of time with the women I date it's not like I'm neglecting them. If our schedules have been busy and its been a few days since I've seen the girl I will go on a date with her and skip the guys night but this doesn't happen too often. Most of the time the women I date have plenty of female friends and they have jobs. They don't just sit at home all day waiting for me to get off work.

It just seems like the women I date expect me stop everything and spend my every waking moment with them. I've ended relationships many times because of this I can't stand it. I'm dating a girl now who is a bartender so she's typically working at night and so far it hasn't really caused any problems so far but it's still to early to tell as we've only been dating for a few weeks.

Am I doing something wrong or should I just continue hanging out with my guy friends and wait for the right girl to come around?
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  April 10,2010, 5:17pm
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Unfortunately, this isn't something that happens to just guys.

There's plenty of guys out there who want to change the women they date, too.

Sometimes I think it has to do with insecurity, and sometimes I think it has to do with immaturity. Insecurity because maybe they're insecure in the relationship and maybe they have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be (If he isn't spending every waking minute with me, something must be wrong!). Immaturity because rather than trying to find a way to make their lives fit together, they expect far-sweeping changes where they become the center of the universe.

It takes time, experience, and patience to learn that the only person you can really change is yourself.

Does that mean you should always hang out with the guys? Well, you could, but how are you ever going to notice the right girl when she does come along? Of course, rather than ditching the girl you're with (assuming you're with one now), you could try communicating with her and help her understand that you want her to be a part of your life, and not your entire life.

Good luck to you.
 
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sony12 is offline sony12 Post #3  April 10,2010, 5:28pm
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It usually is insecurity. And a lot of these women are probably thinking that if you really liked them you would choose them over your friends.
Last edited by sony12; April 10,2010 at 5:31pm.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #4  April 10,2010, 5:41pm
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[quote=bwight;944907]Can you please explain why so many women I date seem to think they can change everything about me when we start dating? I have things I enjoy doing with my guy friends, basketball, racquetball, poker, having a couple drinks at the bar but it seems that women I date want me to stop these activities so I can spend more time with them or some other reason.

I only hang out with the guys 2 sometimes 3 times a week for a few hours. When there are other girls present I will invite a girl I'm dating but most of the time it's just guys. If she asks to meet my friends I gladly set something up where she can meet them. We talk about work, sports, and girls (typical guy stuff) it's just a way for me to vent about stuff and relax for a little bit.

I spend what I consider plenty of time with the women I date it's not like I'm neglecting them. If our schedules have been busy and its been a few days since I've seen the girl I will go on a date with her and skip the guys night but this doesn't happen too often. Most of the time the women I date have plenty of female friends and they have jobs. They don't just sit at home all day waiting for me to get off work.

It just seems like the women I date expect me stop everything and spend my every waking moment with them. I've ended relationships many times because of this I can't stand it. I'm dating a girl now who is a bartender so she's typically working at night and so far it hasn't really caused any problems so far but it's still to early to tell as we've only been dating for a few weeks.

Am I doing something wrong or should I just continue hanging out with my guy friends and wait for the right girl to come around?[/quote]

This is where I see the problem. You haven't met the right girl yet. If you had, you would be complaining about why she doesn't spend enough time with you.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  April 10,2010, 5:42pm
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bwight wrote :
It just seems like the women I date expect me stop everything and spend my every waking moment with them.
They are in love with the idea of having someone to control. And/or are very insecure as others have noted.

wrote :
I'm dating a girl now who is a bartender so she's typically working at night and so far it hasn't really caused any problems so far but it's still to early to tell as we've only been dating for a few weeks.
Well, good luck with this one. Maybe things will turn out better.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #6  April 10,2010, 5:44pm
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bwight wrote :
Can you please explain why so many women I date seem to think they can change everything about me when we start dating?
Because they're female! That's just something they do. Of course,we don't ever dare suggest they change anything.
 
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sony12 is offline sony12 Post #7  April 10,2010, 5:50pm
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melman wrote :
They are in love with the idea of having someone to control. And/or are very insecure as others have noted.



Well, good luck with this one. Maybe things will turn out better.
I think the notion that they are in love with the idea of being in control is incorrect. I think a more accurate assessment would be that they are in love with the idea of being in love. And they are reacting in response to what they have built up in their mind as to what love is (as very few of them probably have ever actually been in love before).
 
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bwight is offline bwight Post #8  April 10,2010, 5:54pm
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brneyedangel wrote :
Does that mean you should always hang out with the guys? Well, you could, but how are you ever going to notice the right girl when she does come along? Of course, rather than ditching the girl you're with (assuming you're with one now), you could try communicating with her and help her understand that you want her to be a part of your life, and not your entire life.
Yes communication is always good, finding the balance between friends and a girlfriend can be difficult. It's possible that in the past I haven't spent as much time trying to work things out as I could have.
Most of these women I'm referring to I was not dating for more than 2 months. I let them know that it bothers me and if it continues I let them go there's no sense in me keeping them around if they do not agree. I would be just as bad as them if I was to expect them to change to accommodate me.

I'm not saying that in a relationship there shouldn't be compromise and change, but this is one of those things I feel pretty strongly about. I recently moved to Costa Rica from Texas most of my friends made the move too because we work together so that's nice. However there were a few guys who also brought their wives (which is expected) who stay at home without a job, they don't let their men do anything its pathetic. I never want to end up like that.
 
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sony12 is offline sony12 Post #9  April 10,2010, 5:58pm
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bwight wrote :
Yes communication is always good, finding the balance between friends and a girlfriend can be difficult. It's possible that in the past I haven't spent as much time trying to work things out as I could have.
Most of these women I'm referring to I was not dating for more than 2 months. I let them know that it bothers me and if it continues I let them go there's no sense in me keeping them around if they do not agree. I would be just as bad as them if I was to expect them to change to accommodate me.

I'm not saying that in a relationship there shouldn't be compromise and change, but this is one of those things I feel pretty strongly about. I recently moved to Costa Rica from Texas most of my friends made the move too because we work together so that's nice. However there were a few guys who also brought their wives (which is expected) who stay at home without a job, they don't let their men do anything its pathetic. I never want to end up like that.
How old are most of the women you are going out with. By the way you describe the situation it sounds like you guys are early/mid twenties.
 
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bwight is offline bwight Post #10  April 10,2010, 6:16pm
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sony12 wrote :
How old are most of the women you are going out with. By the way you describe the situation it sounds like you guys are early/mid twenties.
I'm 23 most of the women I date are my age or a few years older. I don't want to date anyone too much older than myself and most of the younger women are too immature for my tastes. I defiantly think age might have something to do with it but there must be someone my age who is willing to let me be myself.
 
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