Checking up after surgery


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nepacutie is offline nepacutie Post #1  April 9,2010, 3:24pm

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I've been casually dating this guy since November. He's a bit committment phobic. So nothing is defined regarding our relationship, except that we are monogamous (sex). He wants monogamy, we talk/text almost every day, but he doesn't want a relationship. He has hinted here and there about things, but never anything about a relationship. He did make a bizaar comment the other day about maybe us living together this summer after his son leaves for college. I like him A LOT and he knows it. We definitely are compatible and he always makes me laugh. I'm trying to remain cool regarding our status. But because the way he is with committments, I am continuing to pursue dating other men. I want to get married one day, and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time.

So, I had surgery on my neck the other day. He texted me to see how I was feeling afterwards and called me that night. The next day was my birthday. We ended up not going to dinner b/c of the pain and drugged out state I was in from surgery. All I got was a text message saying Happy Birthday. I'm kind of annoyed and hurt that he didn't at least come over to check on me after surgery, ask if I needed anything or even come over on my birthday to keep me company.

I kind of feel that he should have at least checked up on me. My gay friend has been doing all the above for me. Do I have the right to be upset with him?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  April 9,2010, 3:29pm
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when a guy says he doesnt want a relationship it pretty much tells me he doesnt want:

accountability
obligation

this wouldnt be acceptable to me no matter what.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  April 9,2010, 3:35pm
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From what you have described, it sounds to me like he isn't so much able to commit to being exclusive with someone, but he is possibly unable to commit to being there when you really need him. That to me could be a real deal breaker from wanting to continue seeing him.

However, it's hard to know if he was thinking that he was being considerate of you while you are drugged up and in pain. He might have thought that the best thing to do would be to let you rest and recover. If it was me, I would really have to find out to gauge his level of caring if it appears he isn't showing enough concern for my well being after a surgery. Maybe he is just waiting for you to ask him to come over.

This is so hard to figure out from the information you've given -- you need to communicate with him.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #4  April 9,2010, 3:35pm

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nepacutie wrote :
I've been casually dating this guy since November. He's a bit committment phobic. So nothing is defined regarding our relationship, except that we are monogamous (sex). He wants monogamy, we talk/text almost every day, but he doesn't want a relationship. He has hinted here and there about things, but never anything about a relationship. He did make a bizaar comment the other day about maybe us living together this summer after his son leaves for college. I like him A LOT and he knows it. We definitely are compatible and he always makes me laugh. I'm trying to remain cool regarding our status. But because the way he is with committments, I am continuing to pursue dating other men. I want to get married one day, and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time.

So, I had surgery on my neck the other day. He texted me to see how I was feeling afterwards and called me that night. The next day was my birthday. We ended up not going to dinner b/c of the pain and drugged out state I was in from surgery. All I got was a text message saying Happy Birthday. I'm kind of annoyed and hurt that he didn't at least come over to check on me after surgery, ask if I needed anything or even come over on my birthday to keep me company.

I kind of feel that he should have at least checked up on me. My gay friend has been doing all the above for me. Do I have the right to be upset with him?
There's no relationship....to him this is ideal....good looking woman available for monogamous sex without the responsibility.

You are already aware of this.

Thank goodness you have your gay friend who is bending over backwards (hardy har har..) to tend to your needs....so at least you got a good friend on your side.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #5  April 9,2010, 3:36pm
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Nothing in your relationship is defined except for the monogamous sex part, and that's because he wanted that part defined. You don't have a relationship. You have consenting sex between adults who have agreed to only have sex with each other.

To me, this means he doesn't want a relationship. He might like you well enough to be friends, but you aren't going to be his priority. Hinting at things means nothing--if his actions are always the same as they always have been, then that is how he wants things to remain.

He wasn't coming over to have sex with you right after your surgery, and he's not your boyfriend, so really, why would you expect anything more from him than you would from anyone else?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  April 9,2010, 3:38pm
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I do not agree you have a "right" to anything other than what you worked for, paid for, or negotiated for.

Certainly not something you want or feel entitled to.

As if he could read your mind! Maybe when he is not feeling well, he likes to be left alone?

I think you would have been better off asking "would you please come over to keep me company," if that is what you want. Straightforward requests are an effective way to ask something of fine Menz.

Personally, I probably would not have been able to do anything for a partner during the work week.

***

As to this "commitment phobic," if you are having sex, then you have a relationship. If he is continuing to date others, unless you are okay with this, I think you should give up on him.

I would never accept a partner of mine doing that.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #7  April 9,2010, 3:40pm
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Nanette wrote :
when a guy says he doesnt want a relationship it pretty much tells me he doesnt want:

accountability
obligation

this wouldnt be acceptable to me no matter what.
I have to agree with Nanette on this one. I would at least have checked on you to see how you were at a bare minimum.

How long have you been boinking this guy????? lol!

So how are you feeling?
 
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salbertarose is offline salbertarose Post #8  April 9,2010, 3:44pm
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nepacutie wrote :
He's a bit committment phobic. So nothing is defined regarding our relationship, except that we are monogamous (sex). He wants monogamy, we talk/text almost every day, but he doesn't want a relationship..... I'm kind of annoyed and hurt that he didn't at least come over to check on me after surgery, ask if I needed anything or even come over on my birthday to keep me company.

I kind of feel that he should have at least checked up on me. My gay friend has been doing all the above for me. Do I have the right to be upset with him?
I kind of agree with most others, if you have agreed to have basically a sex only agreement on his terms, why would you expect more of him?
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #9  April 9,2010, 3:54pm
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salbertarose wrote :
I kind of agree with most others, if you have agreed to have basically a sex only agreement on his terms, why would you expect more of him?
Because it's rather cold, that's why! She had surgery, for heaven's sake.

Maybe he should have called at least to ask, "Babe does this mean we're not going to be able to get together for sex until next week?" or something.

Just seems off, to me. Regardless of whether they hold hands or not.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #10  April 9,2010, 3:56pm
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I was dating a woman for a couple months and she had to go into the hospital a whole day for some long tests.

When I got off work, I immediately drove over to see her and stayed for a few hours keeping her company.

I agree with other responses here saying he's not your boyfriend, or at least he wants the benefits (sex) without the responsibilities (being there for you).

I wouldn't even say this relationship is 'friend with benefits', because he's not acting like a good friend either. Honestly he's acting more like an f-buddy.

Obviously this is not what you want, not by a long shot. You want someone to be there for you, someone who shows he cares about your well being.

So you need to be honest with yourself and him about this. Tell him it's not working for you as is and tell him what you want. If he can't handle more than what's he's giving (which is nearly zero so far) then end things and move on. Then at least that frees you up emotionally to fully pursue someone else.
 
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