I Don't Understand.. need advice


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Marron777 is offline Marron777 Post #1  April 8,2010, 8:33pm
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About 6 yrs ago I moved into my neighborhood and met one of my neighbors. Nice looking man. He started calling me, late at night, and asking for advice about his wife, whom he said had cheated on him the year previously and whom he believed was cheating on him again. Myself, coming off a long seperation and divorce, referred him to a professional counselor. He continued to call and even asked me over to his house to watch a movie while his wife was out of town (she is a flight attendant so is out of town often). I told him absolutely no. The calls stopped. I would see him and his wife, and his kids know my kids. I prayed for God to bless his marriage. We stayed in touch only if we ran into each other somewhere.

Last fall, he came across as a match on a dating website (eHarmony just matched us last week, too - two different dating sites have matched us!). It said he was divorced. A few months later he came driving down my street and I asked him. His divorce was final in July (last July). Well, he started calling again. I was very busy over the holidays, which irritated him and he said I had no interest in him.

Because we live so close, I went to his house on a "first date" to play pool. We get along well. We have casually seen each other every week since late January. He has been up front and honest about not being ready for a steady relationship and wanting to date around, so there is no exclusivity. We don't really go out. I go to his house and watch t v or a movie or we chit chat. He pushed for things to move along sexually. I told him up front I was not going to be a booty call girl or anything like that. He has respected that. However, now I wonder if I am just the girl that lives close by.

He texts every day or every other day. He says "Hey, and how are you or how was your day". I will answer and maybe ask a question back. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn't. He just "disappears". What gives?? I call it a "hit and run hello".

I am SO confused. He tells me what he's doing and who he's with. I know when he's on the way home from work, how his day was. He'll text out of the blue. If I don't text him for a few days he'll text asking where I am and he thinks i've "moved on". Moved on from what?? He says he is a mess... now this past week and this week, he is distant and almost cold, but he still texts his "hey how are you" messages, with no reply back to me.

He is divorced less than a year. I want to give him his space and be a friend to him, but do I confront him? should I feel flattered that he texts me and just know up front that he isn't going to answer back? do I ignore his messages? It's like he is telling me he's busy so I don't expect to go over, but I don't expect it anyway! I don't ask to go over, don't even hint at it. I figure if he wants to see me he'll ask to see me. If I suggest something he's made a comment before that he doesn't want me to like him too much, because he's a mess.

On the weekends he has his kids, if they go to friends' houses, he texts and sometimes asks if I want to come over, sometimes he doesn't, but he will still text to tell me what he's doing or what movie he is watching. But on weekends that he is without kids, he does not ask me out. Maybe asks me to his house, which is ok by me, but most times I don't see him at all.

So... advice? I'm trying to decide how to proceed. I care about this guy as a friend, and I would like for it to be more, but I understand he wants his space. I've been where he is, so I respect the healing from divorce process. I have been sepearted/divorced for 8 1/2 yrs now. He's less than a year into the divorced lifestyle. How do I be a friend to him without losing my own mind from his mixed signals? Does it sound like I'm just the "good for now cause no one else is available" girl? I am dating other guys, but none that have the significant compatibility potential,and none that have been matched by two different matching services.

Thanks!
Last edited by Marron777; April 8,2010 at 8:43pm. Reason: clarification
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #2  April 8,2010, 8:39pm
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Sounds like too much drama.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  April 8,2010, 8:43pm
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I don't think his signals are mixed at all. He wants to date you and explore a relationship with you.

You said "No". Quit answering his texts and tell him you're not interested in a relationship with HIM. Friends and neighbors, OK, fine. Relationship - NO.
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #4  April 8,2010, 8:58pm
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1. He's just not that into you. All the signs are there.
2. He seems to have wanted to initiate an affair with you while he was married. Does his character not even matter to you?
3. Getting matched on 2 dating sites is nothing. It means your both on dating sites, nothing more. Happens all the time.

You can do better.
 
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missthang is offline missthang Post #5  April 8,2010, 9:07pm
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bootycall.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  April 8,2010, 9:19pm
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It sounds incompatible: he says he wants a sexual relationship, but not exclusive and not in search of a LTR ... you say that's not what you want.

So one of you would have to change significantly for this to work, right?

As for being just-friends ... that's hard to do with someone you're attracted to. Some people can do it, some can't.

I would think if you really are in search of a serious relationship, this isn't it, and being friends will probably just hold you back. It would me.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  April 8,2010, 9:19pm
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This guy sounds like he doesn't know where his head is frankly. Could be a super flaky person. Could be he doesn't really know how he feels about you.

I find it interesting that you put up with it since you are so adamant about certain thing (sex, etc).

Personally I would have moved on by now. The being matched by two online services means nothing. Just because their computers tell you that you two are a good match (on paper) doesn't mean that you are.

Good luck. I hope you find someone that will respect you and your time more.
 
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username_already_exists is offline username_already_exists Post #8  April 8,2010, 9:25pm
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what do you want? what is the next step for you in life?

I would suggest that you might think less about what he wants, where you think he thinks you might fit into HIS next phase of life.

if you think this guy is someone you want to build a relationship with, then take the initiative to do so,

from your description in the OP which is unflatering of him, paints him as uncaring, disinterested in you as anything but a geographically convenient friend who could provide benefits (but in the meantime keeps him from spending his time alone.) he's not motivated to build something with you and he's been very upfront with you about that.

seriously, you have to ask yourself is this what you want? just another notch? just somebody's standby "friend". (well, I couldn't find anything better, so come by and keep me from realizing how lonely and pathetic my existence is.)

get a grip. at some point, you have to make it about you, your wants, your future, your dreams.

and I'm thinking NOW is as good as time as any. dump the neighbor.

I wish you the best. please let me know how this works outs.
 
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Jesisi is offline Jesisi Post #9  April 8,2010, 9:37pm
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The fact that you are neighbors may really complicate things if you decide to try for a relationship and things don't work out...

He is unstable emotionally at this time from what he himself has said about not knowing what to do about whether he wants to be in a relationship or not. It is easy for him to tease you to see if you will come over and maybe consider giving into what he wants... I think it is all a matter of convenience that you are so close by...

Maybe when he's with the kids, and he has to entertain their needs and take them out and such he gets a bit bored and contacts you since there is nothing else for him to do but watch them and do stuff with them, maybe no adult stuff that would make his weekend more enjoyable (sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think that may be the reason he only contacts you when he has the kids on weekends).

You don't need so much drama in your life with him not being able to make up his mind, or be consistent about his interest in you... I would advice you to move on... and whether there is compatibility or not (matching), you may have been matched based on physical location more so than compatible personalities (says the girl who has been matched to local Elvis impersonators and "professional" karaoke singers in the area.)

Good luck!
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #10  April 9,2010, 5:25am
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Marron777 wrote :
I have been sepearted/divorced for 8 1/2 yrs now. He's less than a year into the divorced lifestyle.
I agree with most things said by the other posters here but I want to hit upon something no one else seems to be addressing directly. You seem to have some suspicion that this guy might be on the rebound from his marriage. Go with that! It sounds like he is definitely on the rebound. You probably know from your own divorce that it often takes quite a while to really be emotionally stable after any serious relationship. The guy may not have a flaky personality in general, but all of us -- even the most secure and confident -- are a little needy (or a lot) when we're on the rebound, especially if we are the one has been jilted (which sounds likely for this guy if his wife cheated on him). At best, when we're on the rebound we look for someone to alleviate the loneliness and the creeping feeling that we're not worthy of a significant other. At worst, we look to get revenge on the person who dumped us by sleeping with someone else.

His constant texting is his needing to fill the lonely space in his heart. He sporadically "disappears" because he wants YOU to chase HIM. When we get dumped, we often feel a sense of powerlessness, so in the next relationship we seek to create a sense of power for ourselves by making the other person chase.

I'd recommend against dating this guy until he gets his act together, which is likely to be far in the future -- several years, perhaps. And don't fall for it when he says, "Don't worry, I'm not on the rebound." He might even believe this consciously, because it's easy to be in denial when we're on the rebound, but this guy is definitely on the rebound and undateable.
 
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