dating a man with a kid


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bunnyface is offline bunnyface Post #1  April 8,2010, 8:28pm
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Hello...new to the boards but need some advice...

I met a wonderful man on EH about 2 months ago. We emailed back and forth for a month and we have been dating for almost 4 weeks. We seem to have a great connection..he's taken me to dinner, the movies, we've been on outings in the park for lunch and he has even made me dinner...(it was delicious)...the dilema is that he is a single parent of an 8 year old girl, which means he doesn't have a lot of time. We do seem to go out about 2 times a week but the last time we went out was Monday and he hasn't responded to my texts...should I be worried? Does anyone have any advice for me or what I might be able to expect? I've never dated a single parent before and am willing to be understanding, but not willing to be a doormat...need help in finding a balance!

Thanks!
 
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oceanlady is offline oceanlady Post #2  April 9,2010, 1:53pm
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As a single parent myself, I can say that dating someone with one or more kids is fundamentally different from dating someone who does not have children. There will be times when he gives his child priority over you. There will be times when he has to cancel on you because his daughter is sick. There may be times when he has to bring her along. But if you are serious about dating a single parent, you should realize that all these things are like a preview of how it would be to actually be that child's second parent yourself. Consider it a major milestone if he introduces you to his child, and be aware that the way you interact with the child will be noticed by your BF, for better or worse. About his not calling back, after 4 weeks in a relationship, you should just call him and ask him what's up. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you!
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #3  April 9,2010, 2:11pm
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oceanlady wrote :
As a single parent myself, I can say that dating someone with one or more kids is fundamentally different from dating someone who does not have children. There will be times when he gives his child priority over you. There will be times when he has to cancel on you because his daughter is sick. There may be times when he has to bring her along. But if you are serious about dating a single parent, you should realize that all these things are like a preview of how it would be to actually be that child's second parent yourself. Consider it a major milestone if he introduces you to his child, and be aware that the way you interact with the child will be noticed by your BF, for better or worse. About his not calling back, after 4 weeks in a relationship, you should just call him and ask him what's up. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you!
My daughter is 5.

I REALLY like what ocean lady has to say! If you haven't met his daughter after 4 weeks... THIS IS A GREAT SIGN OF THE QUALITY OF PARENT HE IS!!!!! I believe that the quality of parenting is also a reflection of someones qualities as a mate.

I would not worry about the lack of contact. Give him time, who knows what issues he is dealing with. Be understanding!

AFTER what ever the immediate issue is over with I would express your understanding to him AND also request that in the future if something is going on that he convey to you that something is going on and he might not contact you until the issue is resolved.

What I would like have conveyed to me is you are there if I need someone to talk to (even though the relationship is to young for me to take you up on this offer at this point) and that you would appreciate being told that I need some time to deal with something if that is the case.

A good relationship is based on good communication and understanding. I don't feel that communicating that I need a little time to deal with a parenting issue is too much to ask of me. Being able to communicate that I am dealing with a parenting (or what ever) issue and having that respected is a quality I would greatly value in a mate. Not abusing this trust and understanding is something I would hope a mate would value about me.
Last edited by mikeinor; April 9,2010 at 2:19pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  April 9,2010, 2:11pm
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If you go out two times a week, that is a lot more than I ever have.

Not answering a real message (one which is urgent or pertains to arranging a meeting) is a big problem - one that I would not tolerate.

Not answering a complex, time-consuming, "getting to know you," or non-question type of message is reasonable (though not good at all until you've settled into a pattern.)

Another possibility, if he has arranged all the meetings so far, is that he's already recognizing that he's the doormat.

Since it is now Friday, I suggest calling him to arrange a meeting for this weekend. If he accepts, then use that opportunity to speak about communication desires.

If he ignores you, I would give up.
 
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butterflydragon is offline butterflydragon Post #5  April 9,2010, 2:19pm
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Dating can be really difficult for parents committed to being an active part of their child's life. It is not easy trying to find the balance in being both a parent and a grown up. However, his dedication to his responsibility should be seen as a positive because he does make time to see you. And it certainly speaks more highly than being an absentee parent by choice. Oceanlady is right- there are times he will have to make his child his first priority.

Being understanding of someone's other responsibilities in life does not make you a doormat. It is his responsibility to find his balance and then you have to decide if that works for you. You have every right to set whatever parameters you choose for a potential mate and how much time you'd like to spend with that person. He may or may not be able to meet those parameters.

If he hasn't responded to your texts in several days, there may be reasons other than his child. All you can do is call him and find out.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #6  April 9,2010, 2:21pm
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In four weeks time, it seems that you have established a bit of a routine. Wow, he hasn't called back since Monday? I would try calling again, but I would not be pleased by this lapse of time without communication.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  April 9,2010, 2:30pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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oceanlady wrote :
But if you are serious about dating a single parent, you should realize that all these things are like a preview of how it would be to actually be that child's second parent yourself.
Yes. Consider well whether you really want to deal with this type of situation.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #8  April 9,2010, 2:34pm
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butterflydragon wrote :
Dating can be really difficult for parents committed to being an active part of their child's life. It is not easy trying to find the balance in being both a parent and a grown up. However, his dedication to his responsibility should be seen as a positive because he does make time to see you. And it certainly speaks more highly than being an absentee parent by choice. Oceanlady is right- there are times he will have to make his child his first priority.

Being understanding of someone's other responsibilities in life does not make you a doormat. It is his responsibility to find his balance and then you have to decide if that works for you. You have every right to set whatever parameters you choose for a potential mate and how much time you'd like to spend with that person. He may or may not be able to meet those parameters.

If he hasn't responded to your texts in several days, there may be reasons other than his child. All you can do is call him and find out.
Well said, especially the part I've bolded. While his child is a priority (and rightly so), that doesn't mean that you have to put yourself in the back seat. Having dated a man who tried to balance children, a demanding job and a committed relationship at the same time, I can tell you that you have to be clear with him about what you need, and the kind of relationship you want to have. Then stick to it. You also need to talk about what he's in a position to commit to in a relationship. It's understandable if he can't give you everything you need, but you also have to decide what you're willing to compromise on. The kids are always going to come first, but that shouldn't mean that you are always going to come last.
 
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gummibearlover is offline gummibearlover Post #9  April 9,2010, 2:45pm
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okay this is my first reply. I am a single parent of a young child. I think 2 times a week is quite a bit if he is managing on his own. Young children can take a huge amount of energy and time and was too busy to do 2 dates this week.. I agree a good parent doesnt introduce their child to many dates and never early. For myself i think a good match would be another parent or a man busy with work and many interests so he doesnt resent my time with my daughter while we are dating. A fair number of people are quite busy so that leaves a bunch of potential dates. why dont you ask and see and see what would work for you. More communication is always good--good luck
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #10  April 9,2010, 3:02pm
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Yes, AFTER the current situation (what ever it is) has been remedied and emotions have returned to a status quo... YOU need to convey to him YOUR needs and expectations especially regarding communications. If you ask for too much then he may very well decide that the relationship isn't worth it. Ask for too little and you will not be happy and you will eventually decide the relationship isn't worth it.

Start making demands in the middle of what might be an emotional time and you will kill the relationship.

I look at the last lady I thought had a lot of promise. She used the hectic children excuse for lack of communication a couple of time and I accepted it. She went to that excuse one time too many and I wrote her off. In reflecting upon this I feel I probably should have conveyed my need for more responsiveness and communication before having reached my limit of what I felt was acceptable.
 
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