When should I just give up?


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SaintOfSouth617 is offline SaintOfSouth617 Post #1  April 8,2010, 4:53am
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I'm a little new to asking total strangers for advice on these matters, so anything you may bring to the table will be greatly appreciated.

After very limited success meeting people the old-fashioned way (meeting people in the grocery store or coffee shops only seems to happen in sitcoms starring Charlie Sheen or dirty movies, coincidentally, starring Charlie Sheen), I decided to try the online route. After 4 years on various sites with very few dates and only one that led to a second, should I just realize this isn't working and pack it in? There's only so many times one can hear the "but talk" (the one that starts off how great you are, BUT then there's a list of 26 reasons they don't want to date you). I'm not against making new friends, but let's be real for a minute; we aren't paying the fees to use these sites to make a bunch of Facebook friends.

I'd like to think I'm at least reasonably attractive, treat everyone I meet with respect, and I do make a good living (even in this economy), but it seems like unless you're 6 feet tall with 6 pack abs and a 6 figure salary you might as well just tap out.

Sorry for running long and a bit of a cynical outlook, but I have to admit the loneliness is getting to me.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #2  April 8,2010, 5:34am
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I know exactly how you feel and it can be hard. I wish there was an easy solution. I keep going with eHarmony because it helps expand my dating pool and on the idea that "it just takes one."

I also do my best to live my life with a positive outlook, but there are certainly some days where that's a very difficult thing to do.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #3  April 8,2010, 5:34am
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You need to work on yourself. From what you've posted, self esteem , bad self image and negative self talk are your problems. Clearly you have not been attractive to women. You need to fix yourself to become attractive to women. Yes, women do like tall rich men with six packs, but if you work on your personality, self confidence and sense of humour then women will be naturally attracted to you.

I managed this with myself and now don't have any trouble with dating and relationships but it took 15 years before I could attract women, and then took another 13 years before I understood why. I also did very well over the last year with internet dating and learnt a lot. What I'm going to say is controversial but is some good advice. Start researching some of the "dating gurus" to understand what goes on with attraction and how you can make yourself attractive to women and then communicate that. No need to spend a fortune on their CD courses or tuition courses. Read about the subject on the internet and two books I can recommend is the e-book "Double Your Dating" by David D'Angelo and the Neil Strauss book on how he went from hopeless geek to ladies man.

No need to go as far as these guys have gone and turn yourself into a Pick Up Artist- that route can lead to shallow relationships and unhappiness as Style writes about in his book. Just read and learn enough and put it into practice improving yourself (particulary your confidence and personality) to be able to get a girlfriend and then make a success of the relationship.

I expect my post will be criticised, but read what these guys have to say as they have really researched attraction and male-female relationships.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  April 8,2010, 5:47am
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First let me address your last comment about six pack abs and six figure incomes.....open your eyes and look around you? How many six figure income supermodel couples do you see around you? I'm guessing none. Just ordinary people of all shapes and sizes, all kinds of incomes or lack of, who are happily dating.

So then, if you do get to that fist date, you are doing something right. So what happens on that first date? Well....just like for the rest of the world 90% of the time there simply won't be mutual chemistry and attraction. So in that respect it's a numbers game.

Then there is other 10% and that's where your personal behavior will make it or break it. Basic manners are not enough. Do you come across happy and positive? Do you have your own views and opinions that you are not afraid to share or do you just sit dull and quiet and yes her to death? Do you share your interests with her or just fake interest in her hobbies instead? Without being a fly on the wall, it's impossible to tell. I will say this, though - there is no bigger turn off than a desperate defeatist guy who gives me an impression that it's not me that he wants but just any warm body to stave off loneliness and since I'm breathing, I'll fill the role just fine. Also, when you do hear that "but" listen carefully to what comes after the "but" and see what you can change, adjust or do differently in the future.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #5  April 8,2010, 5:51am
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Give us some examples of the "but" s. And before those buts was there the phrase "you're a nice guy, but......"?????
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  April 8,2010, 5:54am
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"Those who blame external circumstances for their situation do not find what they want. Those who work on themselves, take responsibility for dealing with their circumstances, and then take action, have success." (Dr. Henry Cloud)
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  April 8,2010, 5:57am
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get involved in things that you enjoy.

if you are that "lonely" it might be coming across to people. rather than concerning yourself over "technique" there is something to be said for living a full life and not centering it around a relationship to the point of where you have been working at it and now want to give up.

nothing more unattractive, at least to me, than someone that doesn't seem to think they are complete without another person in their life
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  April 8,2010, 6:07am

blames self-help books

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What is that symbol in your avatar?

Never give up! Never surrender! Yes I watched Galaxy Quest, don't judge me.

Seriously I found the greatest guy when I gave up but didn't give in. I did find him out in the real world but who knows, maybe this eHa thing would have worked if I hadn't gave up in it.
 
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AJ73 is offline AJ73 Post #9  April 8,2010, 8:15am
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Johnnyguitarman wrote :
You need to work on yourself. From what you've posted, self esteem , bad self image and negative self talk are your problems. Clearly you have not been attractive to women. You need to fix yourself to become attractive to women. Yes, women do like tall rich men with six packs, but if you work on your personality, self confidence and sense of humour then women will be naturally attracted to you.
What he said ^^^

You have to work on yourself and be happy with yourself before people can be attracted to you. This goes for both sexes.

It doesn't mean trying to get six-pack abs or rob a bank--- it means do what makes you happy and gives you confidence. Besides, in a 100 years when we're all dead, who cares what people think? :P
 
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superbeetle is offline superbeetle Post #10  April 8,2010, 8:32am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
What is that symbol in your avatar?

Never give up! Never surrender! Yes I watched Galaxy Quest, don't judge me.
Well, if you're a Galaxy Quest fan, I will judge you to have excellent taste!
 
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