Dating advantage to better email/phone communicators?


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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #1  April 7,2010, 10:16pm
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There have been a few debates on the boards since I joined regarding phone vs. email vs. in person, and people are all over the place in terms of preference and beliefs as to what is best, though I *think* I noticed that in general women seemed to want some longer communication of some sort before meeting.

And recently Lizzie shared that she is having a conversion of thought from the quick meet and greet to the longer date, with more time to talk.

These things fit with the way that many (not all) women seem to develop attraction for men since it appears to be an equation made up of a number of variables and there are things beyond "looks" (and beer) that can make actually make a man more physically appealing. So more conversation, more of a chance to get to know the man seems to be needed.

So all this had me wondering if the advantage goes to the man who is better able to communicate via email and phone? It seems like a given that the man better equipped with communication skills in general would fare better either way. But if there are a number of women who desire communication before meeting, especially if first meets are quick, does this mean that a man that has the ability to develop interest in writing and talking on the phone has a better chance of getting to the date in the first place?

I came at this from the female perspective because of threads I have been reading, and well....because that is the lens I wear. But now I am wondering how this plays out from the male perspective as well.

Any thoughts?
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  April 7,2010, 10:48pm
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TXButtercup wrote :
So all this had me wondering if the advantage goes to the man who is better able to communicate via email and phone? It seems like a given that the man better equipped with communication skills in general would fare better either way. But if there are a number of women who desire communication before meeting, especially if first meets are quick, does this mean that a man that has the ability to develop interest in writing and talking on the phone has a better chance of getting to the date in the first place?
In my opinion, yes. I really hope none of the men here will be bothered, but I really appreciate it when men take the time to respond to my posts or PMs. I suppose it is a validation thing, I don't know really. I just know that I like it, and I have generally found that a man who can express himself articulately holds far, far more appeal for me than a man who can or does not.

If he can't engage my brain, I don't care if he looks like a Calvin Klein model, I won't want to date him.
 
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bwight is offline bwight Post #3  April 7,2010, 11:09pm
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Writing email or other forms of communication has always been a problem for me in relationships. It's not that I have problems with communication its merely the fact that written communication more often than not feels like a test to me. Both parties are asking questions about each other and grading the responses to see if this is someone they want to get to know better. Anytime that I get the opportunity I will slow down my thought process and analyze a situation. Written communication gives my analytical brain more than enough time to screw it up. It usually turns into me attempting to respond in a way that I think will impress the other person, not how I would normally answer the question. As a result I struggle with most of the communication here on EH because I'm not being myself.

Phone conversations I do fine with, but I generally don't enjoy talking on the phone for extended periods of time. I would much rather save an exciting story for face to face conversation where I can really get into the story and involve facial expressions and hand gestures. There's just something missing with phone and email conversations.

Lets not forget about that evil little guy called text message. He and I don't get a long well at all. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and my attempts at humor via text message are more often than not lost in translation. Actually... most of the time it just pisses the girl off and then one thing leads to another.

I would defiantly agree with the fact that men who are better at email + phone have the advantage on EH. I have a pretty good success rate with women I meet in person. Not so much online it's just not for me.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #4  April 8,2010, 2:40am
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I agree with Meri that a man's ability to communicate effectively in writing is a definite advantage in capturing my attention.

However, that alone is not enough to keep my attention, and it can actually be a disadvantage if the communication continues too long and in too much depth before meeting in person. When that happens my expectations go up and I am sometimes disappointed when he is not as articulate in person when we finally meet. (I have even found myself wondering, 'did this guy have someone else write his e-mails for him?')

So I still believe in meeting quickly, once we both feel there is enough information that we are basically compatible and interested and there are no apparent red flags.

I'm not sure where I stand on TXButtercup's question about short vs. long first meets. I have had some long first meets that were great and led to great relationships and also some short meets that led to great relationships.

But I don't think I've ever felt that a first meet was too short (i.e. that it didn't provide enough opportunity to know for certain whether I was interested in seeing the person again). Good question. I'm curious to read others' opinions.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #5  April 8,2010, 2:43am
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TXButtercup wrote :
....there are things beyond "looks" (and beer) that can make actually make a man more physically appealing.
Yes, Pinot Grigio can help tremendously.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  April 8,2010, 3:22am
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TXButtercup wrote :
These things fit with the way that many (not all) women seem to develop attraction for men since it appears to be an equation made up of a number of variables and there are things beyond "looks" (and beer) that can make actually make a man more physically appealing. So more conversation, more of a chance to get to know the man seems to be needed.

So all this had me wondering if the advantage goes to the man who is better able to communicate via email and phone?
Initially, probably. But it still doesn't replace chemistry when you meet. It has happened to me too many times when someone is great online, maybe even great on the phone, and it all stops dead when you meet them in person. Its just not there.

Gothustartus posted a really great comment along these lines something like he thought he knew someone via email/chat (not really sure on what they did before they met) and then could barely look them in the eye when he met them. I'm assuming no attraction.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #7  April 8,2010, 4:13am
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Nanette wrote :
Initially, probably. But it still doesn't replace chemistry when you meet. It has happened to me too many times when someone is great online, maybe even great on the phone, and it all stops dead when you meet them in person. Its just not there.
Been there before. Had great conversations on the phone and in email, but when we met she didn't seem willing to participate in conversation.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #8  April 8,2010, 4:20am
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Nanette wrote :
Gothustartus posted a really great comment along these lines something like he thought he knew someone via email/chat (not really sure on what they did before they met) and then could barely look them in the eye when he met them. I'm assuming no attraction.
It was worse than no attraction, it was like being on a date with my sister. We'd been talking too long (several months) and too well (multiple hours daily) and so knew too much about each other without really knowing anything at all. Online we had more chemistry than an explosion in a Glaxo plant, in person it was all twiddling thumbs and strained silences.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  April 8,2010, 5:10am
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I think that people keep trying to find some kind of a guarantee that the date will be great. If only we e-mail longer or shorter, if only we talk on the phone for an x amount before meeting, if only this or that. However, the reality is that nothing that you do before meeting is going to guarantee attraction, chemistry or even good company and conversation in person. The best you can do is walk into each date with an open mind and an attitude that you are simply there to meet a nice person and have a little fun. If there is more, fantastic and if there isn't, oh well.

So to answer your question, at least in my case, the better writer or phone talker does not have any advantage over someone who isn't simply because I reserve judgment until I see them in real life.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  April 8,2010, 5:38am
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MicMan wrote :
Been there before. Had great conversations on the phone and in email, but when we met she didn't seem willing to participate in conversation.
i wasnt really referring to conversation. if there is no attraction its all out the window. they can be the best conversationalist in the world
 
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