No signals = Mixed signals


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smiley86 is offline smiley86 Post #1  April 6,2010, 10:14pm
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Hey everyone,

I'm new to eHarmony Advice, but not new to eHarmony. I browsed around, looking for similar threads, so please excuse me if something similar has already been discussed.

I started open communication with one of my matches back in January. After numerous emails, we finally met about a month and a half ago. Our dates usually end up being on weekends, because of our busy work schedules, and I've had a fantastic time on every one of them. We seem to be really compatible and enjoy each other's company. The only concern I have, is that he has not shown me any affection at all. I finally got a hug on our last date, but I had to pretty much ask for it. He had mentioned that his family wasn't very affectionate, but I would think that it shouldn't be a problem with someone you are interested in. I am assuming he is interested, as he has initiated almost all of our dates.

I've never had this issue before, as most men that I have dated have made it quite clear that they were into me. So anyways, I'm just not sure if I should wait it out and see what happens, or just simply ask him about it? I'm all for taking things slow, but at some point he has to show some sort of interest, other then just asking me out, right?
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #2  April 6,2010, 10:23pm
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If you need affection and he is not affectionate, then there is a compatibility problem.
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #3  April 6,2010, 10:31pm
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smiley86 wrote :
He had mentioned that his family wasn't very affectionate, but I would think that it shouldn't be a problem with someone you are interested in.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  April 6,2010, 10:56pm
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I grew up in a non-affectionate home. I don't recall being hugged.

I do recall being told that it was not enjoyable hugging me, because I was stiff like a board. Hmmm.

People wrongly assume that affection is natural and everyone has it. Um no. For some, it is learned. I am now much more comfortable giving and receiving affection, but it did take awhile.

I think you should talk to him about it, he may not have realised that affection for some people is like air.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #5  April 7,2010, 4:11am
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meri75 wrote :
People wrongly assume that affection is natural and everyone has it. Um no. For some, it is learned. I am now much more comfortable giving and receiving affection, but it did take awhile.

I think you should talk to him about it, he may not have realised that affection for some people is like air.
Yes to both of these. If he grew up in a family that wasn't touchy feely, he may not see why some people value it highly.

Also, communication goes a long way. You don't have to go after him in an accusatory or whiny way, but if this is really something big for you, you need to make it clear to him.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  April 7,2010, 5:12am

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It's tough for an affectionate person and a shy or not overtly affectionate person to find a middle ground as regards giving affection. It was one of the primary focuses of my ex husband and myself differences and while not the reason we got divorced, it weighed on my mind quite a bit. Back then I wanted to know "Why" he wasn't affectionate thinking if I knew that I could alter the situation...

Not so much -

Each person can intellectually 'see' the others POV..I knew why he didn't easily give affection just as he knew I had a fuzzy bear huggy family, however knowledge of those differences didn't easily translate into acceptance.

These feelings might be overcome with time and a mutually agreed on change by both of you: you becoming less huggy, he trying harder to show affection, but that assumes a relationship with a future, not a casual date.

I'd suggest you accept who he is and the way he is and decide if you want to continue to get to know him better, even though this part of you won't likely be fulfilled. How badly do you need that overt hugging?

This isn't a right/wrong situation, but one of deep childhood training and comfort.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 7,2010, 6:08am
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The other posters have made some good points, some I agree with, some I don't agree with. As someone in a similar situation here are some of my thoughts.

First I think that affection is mostly something that is learned and not something that is in your genes. If as an infant you are held and cuddled a lot then you may come to like physical touch though you may also have not found it to be enjoyable and tend to avoid it. On the other hand if physical touch was not part of your early experience then you have no basis to judge it or initiate it as an adult. In the same concept if the parents did not show affection to one another there is no example.

Also of much concern to me is coming on too strong. I am no good at reading signals so unless I get very clear signals from my date that she wants to hold hands, hug or kiss then I am going to keep my hands to myself.

The physical affection problem is definitely something that you need to discuss. You may want to take a Love Language test together. It would seem that one of your Love Languages is physical touch. If you are not getting what you need from your partner then your love bank account is going to always be at a deficit. The same goes for your partner. If you are not showing him love in the way that he wants it then his love bank account is going to be at a deficit. The question is, if he knows what you want can and will he give it to you and if you know what he wants can and will you give it to him. And as always clear communication is key.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  April 7,2010, 8:14am
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People vary a lot on how comfortable they are with touch ... and with some people, even talking about it can be, well, touchy!

I would say if you like this guy and have hopes about the relationship, at some point you're going to want to talk with him about this difference between you.

It's something he may or may not be able or willing to change. You might have to decide how important it is to you.

I don't think I would base a decision on "do I want to be in this relationship" on this issue, myself ... it's something I could adjust on. How do you feel about it? If it's a dealbreaker you might want to bring it up fairly soon. If it's not ... maybe wait to bring it up when you've reached a level of intimacy where the talk is more likely to work? -- it's possible this is an intimate subject, for him, maybe deeply so.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #9  April 7,2010, 9:34am
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smiley86 wrote :
I've never had this issue before, as most men that I have dated have made it quite clear that they were into me. So anyways, I'm just not sure if I should wait it out and see what happens, or just simply ask him about it? I'm all for taking things slow, but at some point he has to show some sort of interest, other then just asking me out, right?
Something women don't seem to get: a very clear sign the man is interested is that he continues to ask you out on actual dates.

It sounds like this guy is shy about physical affection, and you're trying to project your expectations on him. It's not as simple as "if he's interested, he'd be more affectionate"- if he has an issue with it.

Or maybe he is really bad at figuring out that you want more.

Have you tried initiating anything physical with him? That would make your intentions as obvious as possible.

It would be perfectly legit to stop seeing him if you don't think things will change.

It's funny because most women complain about guys getting too physical too fast. He may have a fear of being accused of that, so he goes too far the other way.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #10  April 7,2010, 4:00pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Also of much concern to me is coming on too strong. I am no good at reading signals so unless I get very clear signals from my date that she wants to hold hands, hug or kiss then I am going to keep my hands to myself.
This is pure gold; and I can relate to not wanting to initiate affection for similar reasons.
 
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