A Follow-up, and a Dilemma...


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OCMusicman is offline OCMusicman Post #1  April 6,2010, 9:29pm
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Hello everyone,

I have come to be so appreciative of the kind-hearted and wise members of the eHarmony advice forums! I have stumbled upon a wonderful community. If you lived in my area, I would take all of you to dinner...

A couple of weeks ago I posted about a situation in which I had the best first date of my life, with a connection that appeared to be "off the charts." She indicated that she felt the same way, we made some preliminary plans...and then she appeared to fall off of the face of the earth. I had thought that she decided to return to her ex-boyfriend, and a number of esteemed members of the eHarmony forums agreed with me. However, now she is e-mailing again with regularity (every day), but the situation appears to be more complicated, largely because of timing issues. At this point I feel that God is really having a good laugh at my expense.

First, a little bit of background. Before I met this person, who I will call Miss M, I had gone on three dates with someone I will call Miss B. I had been interested in her for months, but our communication initially was sporadic because she was a non-paying member. When we finally managed to get together, the dates were pleasant, but I didn't feel anything earth-shattering. I chalked them up to good casual experiences with a very nice person. During one of the long periods of sporadic non-contact with Miss B, I was matched with Miss M, and the communication was wonderful. Afterwards, I had the tremendous first date with Miss M, and then the apparent heartbreak that I described earlier.

In the aftermath of Miss M's disappearing act, I had an opportunity to attend a performance that I really wanted to see. Since I thought it might be nice to have company, I invited Miss B to come along. Well, much to my surprise, we had a wonderful time, and she was very direct in her communication of interest! She has proceeded to e-mail me every day, and is proving to be a wonderful person in her own right. In fact, I have seen her one time since then, and now I like her very much. But I really didn't expect Miss M to attempt to come back into the picture.

From my observation, Miss M and Miss B are very different. Miss M is funny and exciting to be around. The connection always appears to be overwhelming...but I'm not sure I trust her at this point. Miss B is sweet and very trustworthy, and we have many interests in common...but I'm not sure the connection is as strong. Miss M now is expecting me to contact her to get together at some point, and I am trying to hold off regarding a response.

I think my problem is twofold. Ever since I joined eHarmony I have struggled with the whole notion of "exclusivity" and what it means in the modern dating world. While I have always dated one person at a time, I have found it very daunting to be matched with as many as ten people at once. I am also realizing that some people believe that exclusivity starts at the first hello, while others feel that a long period of multi-dating is appropriate. So I'm not sure what the ethical thing to do is in this situation. Regarding both of these women, I have attempted to date them "one at a time," but now the timing has worked out to produce a situation I never wanted. Given what now appears to be a promising relationship with Miss B, complete with daily e-mails, is it ethical to even think about going back to investigate the unfinished business with Miss M? I feel I am at a crossroads...I don't want to hurt anybody, especially Miss B, but I also don't want to shortchange myself either. (And I have no desire to be a "player," but merely to find someone who is right for me.)

The other issue has to do with the character of Miss M. Despite what I admit is an overwhelming connection that was apparent in every e-mail, phone conversation and on our date, the bottom line is that she disappeared for over two weeks. She says that she was merely overwhelmed with work, but I have a feeling that she was busy getting some sort of closure on her former situation. And I'm not sure I can trust her...but I'm not sure I can't either. Meanwhile, Miss B's character is absolutely unquestioned, and I have only gone on five dates with her...but I wonder if our connection will ever be as strong as with Miss M. (And I wonder if the connection I feel with Miss M is an illusion?)

As far as my feelings go, I find myself thinking about both women equally, although in different contexts at different times. Why do affairs of the heart have to be so messy? I am praying to God about this one...but as I said, I think He is having a good laugh right now.

Once again, I look to my trusted, esteemed forum members for guidance. I just want to do the right thing, for everyone involved, including myself. Thank you all for your wisdom! If anyone can help me make sense of this, I know the members of the forum can.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  April 6,2010, 10:07pm
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Hmm ... from what you've written, it seems to me that you had already moved on from Miss M and found that Miss B had spiked your interest. Would I be correct in my assumption that had not Miss M contact you, you would not have contacted her?
 
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OCMusicman is offline OCMusicman Post #3  April 6,2010, 10:15pm
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Hi Meri75,

At the counsel of my brother-in-law and several forum members, I had sent her a short e-mail expressing concern and wondering if she was OK. I heard back from her this past weekend. But yes, during the intervening week, I was prepared for the possibility of having no further contact with her. I was attempting to move on, as I felt she had decided to disappear.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  April 6,2010, 10:28pm
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Okay, I'm going to check out your earlier thread.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  April 6,2010, 10:33pm
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OC, do you think your feelings would grow easier (faster, better, stronger) for Miss B if Miss M was out of the picture?

Since you haven't had an exclusive talk with either of them I see no problem with you going on a date or two with one or both of them to see what happens. You might find the initial connection with Miss M has diminished or disappeared altogether. Sometimes feelings need time to grow as well. Miss B might turn into the front runner quickly.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #6  April 6,2010, 10:45pm
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Mate, a couple of points:

~ Miss M appears to have popped you on her back-burner temporarily. Understandable. Stuff happens, priorities shift. BUT, more than two weeks with not even a one line email or quick phone call?

~ I'm wondering if subconsciously you may have been more strongly attracted to Miss B's seemingly quieter style than Miss M? But Miss M is different and seemed to make Miss B pale a little in comparison?
 
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OCMusicman is offline OCMusicman Post #7  April 6,2010, 10:51pm
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Hi Andie,

I was genuinely surprised by how quickly things progressed with Miss B, as I had regarded her strictly as a casual date beforehand. I now think she is an amazing woman. (I guess this serves to completely repudiate the old "three date rule," at least in my mind!) But I think back to that first date with Miss M, which I had described to friends as "a potential life changer."

It was a life changer all right...I think I was better off before I joined eHarmony! But yes, had Miss M remained out of contact, it probably would be "full speed ahead" with Miss B. And had Miss M stayed around during the first week after our date, I probably wouldn't have needed this thread.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #8  April 6,2010, 10:53pm
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Obviously you like Miss M more because of the great first date you had. But she's been unreliable and untrustworthy and frankly quite rude. Sorry but if someone treated me that poorly right after I just met them, I wouldn't come back for a second helping no matter how good the first date was.

Onto Miss B. Ok so you've grown to like her more. Honestly this is the keeper and you should continue to see her.

Sure you could continue to see both, but I think Miss M has the potential for too much drama...and you getting wrapped up in that may ruin your chances with Miss B. So I'd advise against it.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #9  April 6,2010, 10:58pm
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robv_la wrote :
Obviously you like Miss M more because of the great first date you had. But she's been unreliable and untrustworthy and frankly quite rude. Sorry but if someone treated me that poorly right after I just met them, I wouldn't come back for a second helping no matter how good the first date was.

Onto Miss B. Ok so you've grown to like her more. Honestly this is the keeper and you should continue to see her.

Sure you could continue to see both, but I think Miss M has the potential for too much drama...and you getting wrapped up in that may ruin your chances with Miss B. So I'd advise against it.
Cheers Mate, I was wanting to express this but everything I wrote just looked way harsh.
 
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OCMusicman is offline OCMusicman Post #10  April 6,2010, 11:08pm
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Hi Robv,

Actually this is the direction that I am leaning...I think it makes sense to possibly keep Miss M at no more than a friendship level, at least until I can see where things go with Miss B. Admittedly I am always excited to hear from Miss M, but there is a part of me (my self esteem, I'm sure) that is absolutely appalled by her lack of reliability.

During the first weekend after my date with Miss M, she said she was unavailable because of work issues. But she is a teacher, and I know few teachers who actually work on weekends. And even if she had a lot of paperwork to do, I know that even at my workaholic worst I can always make time for someone important to me.
 
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