redtulip is offline redtulip Post #1  April 6,2010, 9:04pm
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Hi Guys. How long are you willing to wait for sex? Here is my dilema. I am attactive, get a lot of dates and a lot of call backs etc. Usually around one month things fade and I suspect it is because I am not having sex earlier. Is it possible to sustain intimacy and attraction without sex? I really want to know him well before we do but it seems to be impossible these days. Thus far I have explained this one month fading of dating as "well if we had had sex earlier then we would have confused our feelings and delayed the inevitable and perhaps broken up 1-2 years later rather than 1 month later." Now I wonder if waiting is even possible in todays dating world. What do you think?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  April 7,2010, 7:31am
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redtulip wrote :
Hi Guys. How long are you willing to wait for sex? Here is my dilemma. I am attractive, get a lot of dates and a lot of call backs etc. Usually around one month things fade and I suspect it is because I am not having sex earlier. Is it possible to sustain intimacy and attraction without sex? I really want to know him well before we do but it seems to be impossible these days. Thus far I have explained this one month fading of dating as "well if we had had sex earlier then we would have confused our feelings and delayed the inevitable and perhaps broken up 1-2 years later rather than 1 month later." Now I wonder if waiting is even possible in today's dating world. What do you think?
I am in the minority here on the Advice boards but yes it is entirely possible. It does require that both people are on the same page with this idea, something I have yet to find in even very religious girls that I have dated.

(Hint, haul out your dictionary and look up the word intimacy, you won't find sex mentioned at all)
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  April 7,2010, 7:44am
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Hi Tulip!
Well if you're dating a lot, you're going to have a lot of fading after a month or so ... just the numbers, right? That's long enough to start realizing "this isn't going anywhere".

Probably some of those fade-aways are men who don't want to go further if there's no sex involved; others have other reasons.

Does it matter? You want to make your own choices about sex, right? and find a guy who's both compatible with you on sexual issues, and who respects your choices.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  April 7,2010, 7:45am
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redtulip wrote :
Hi Guys. How long are you willing to wait for sex? Here is my dilema. I am attactive, get a lot of dates and a lot of call backs etc. Usually around one month things fade and I suspect it is because I am not having sex earlier. Is it possible to sustain intimacy and attraction without sex? I really want to know him well before we do but it seems to be impossible these days. Thus far I have explained this one month fading of dating as "well if we had had sex earlier then we would have confused our feelings and delayed the inevitable and perhaps broken up 1-2 years later rather than 1 month later." Now I wonder if waiting is even possible in todays dating world. What do you think?
yes, it is possible.
If you're dating guys that are pressuring you into sex too soon, then you're dating the wrong types, obviously.
 
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username_already_exists is offline username_already_exists Post #5  April 7,2010, 7:48am
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for some the answer is yes and for others the answer is no.

couple of questions for the OP. what's your age and that of your dates?

how long do you think you should wait before having sex?

have you taken the bold step of explaining your feelings and reasonings about sex to your dates?

or, are we back to the that whole darn assuming tar-baby.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  April 7,2010, 7:51am
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I've never been one to hop into bed quickly and I've never had an issue with the guy fading out because of it. It really boils down to his true motivations. Since you are attractive, you attract all kinds and very few men will pass up on the opportunity to sleep with you if they can. However that does not mean that they actually want to date you in the long run. So the fade out may be a good thing for you.

On the other hand, sleeping with the guy is one thing and being warm and affectionate and simply waiting until you are sufficiently comfortable to go there is another. If the guy feels that you just honestly need time to get to know him and the relationship is growing, he won't fade on you. If anything, he'll do a lot to make you feel safe (or so has been my experience with that). However, if he senses some kind of an arbitrary time thing rather than a natural flow of a relationship....well....he'll probably fade out because that comes across as somewhat disingenuous on your part. He will wonder if you are really interested in him or just jerking him around until something better comes along. Don't forget that men are also human. Just like you don't want to get used and tossed aside, neither does he.
 
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StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #7  April 7,2010, 7:55am
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Yes it is possible to sustain intimacy and attraction without sex. Speaking only for myself, the enjoyment of sex is contingent on an equally willing partner, and having to pressure or cajole someone into sex does not equate to willing.

This sort of begs the question though, which can then just be rephrased as "how long are you willing to wait for someone to become willing to have sex?". I think the only intellectually honest answer is, it depends. I do think that if you are intending to wait until you are married or at least engaged, this is something you need to reveal to your partners fairly early. Provided it is actually on the table (or anywhere else, lol), I don't see how delaying for a few months is such a big deal. Most people who truly care for you will not be put off by this amount of time. Going much beyond six months though might be of concern, unless again this has been made clear from the start.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  April 7,2010, 8:00am
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There is no timeline. People who believe that have been reading too many magazines and dating books. It happens when it happens and feels right for both people.

Is it possible to sustain intimacy and attraction without sex?

In my view (and I'm sure it's shared by many), it isn't much of a relationship without sex. Either you're attracted to the other person or you're not. If you're not then move along. If you are, then go with what you feel and not some perceived proper waiting time.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #9  April 7,2010, 8:11am

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I feel like I am always beating this drum but why not, I like the drum. It isn't about sex! My boyfriend would have waited as long as needed. Week, month, year, till marriage, didn't matter. It isn't about the sex it is about love and relationships. If a guy doesn't stick around because you aren't putting out there is nothing there. The same can be said for the guy who does stick around waiting. I think they call it boink and run or something.

Whether or not you have sex means nothing to the relationship's success or failure. What it does do depending on your attitude cause you to ignore other aspects/signs/feelings about the relationship and where it is going.

What I would advise is you go back and think about those relationships outside of the context of sex. I will bet you will find other reasons why the relationship failed that you didn't see before.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  April 7,2010, 8:25am
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redtulip wrote :
Hi Guys. How long are you willing to wait for sex? Here is my dilema. I am attactive, get a lot of dates and a lot of call backs etc. Usually around one month things fade and I suspect it is because I am not having sex earlier. Is it possible to sustain intimacy and attraction without sex? I really want to know him well before we do but it seems to be impossible these days. Thus far I have explained this one month fading of dating as "well if we had had sex earlier then we would have confused our feelings and delayed the inevitable and perhaps broken up 1-2 years later rather than 1 month later." Now I wonder if waiting is even possible in todays dating world. What do you think?
Why wouldnt it be possible? If the "relationship" is about sex, no, the guy probably won't wait around.

It is possible if the guy really likes you. Its the best way to weed out guys that really dont like you but want a lay.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/dating-advice/ask-dating-expert/28241-some-honesty-about-sex-please.html (Sex on the first date?)

This is my favorite thread on the subject if you want to see more discussion. Not like you wont get responses here, today.
 
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