Having feelings for someone you've known their entire life?


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edgewill is offline edgewill Post #1  April 6,2010, 4:14pm
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I pride myself on not seeking dating advice but I'll freely admit I need serious help with this one. This could run long so forgive me if so.

I've got feelings for a female. No problem there. The problem is that I'm a bit freaked by it as I've known her FOREVER. Literally: there's a little over a five year age gap between us (I'm 26 and she's a VERY emotionally & responsible mature 21) and outside of a couple of years about 15 years ago I've known her to some degree for every one of those years as we've grown up in the same church and our families have always been fairly close. For the better part of those 21 years, there’s probably never been more than a few occasions where I haven’t seen her every week or two. As I've gotten burned by the whole "dating friends" deal in the past, I'm naturally way more than skeptical about how to handle these feelings simply due to the amount of time we've know each other and the myriad of social connections (family/church/etc) we have. On the other hand, she's probably got as much of what I truly look for and value in a relationship (whether romantic or friendship) as anyone else I know.

I should note that I have had those "well, she's cute" type of feelings for a couple of years; just more of a superficial observation that passes through my mind in a split second than a serious feeling. However in the last year or so I've really grown, not sure much to just LIKE more her as a human being, but to RESPECT her. And that's not a word I toss around lightly. She makes good money for her age but she doesn’t get hung up on material things, she lover her Creator and her church, and she has the ability make all the things that complicate our lives (the ones that aren’t really important that is) a joke to be laughed at and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. And that’s just things that come to mind right now. I suppose I really hadn't seen her as much of a real "peer" until recent years and then I saw how great she really was. And all this comes at a time when I've ditched a few destructive relationships (romantic and otherwise) in the last year or so and learned a lot about what I really should look for in any relationship (whereas before I was a bit too superficial in my wants). And her personality and values really hit a lot of those traits dead-on.

So there you have it. The awkwardness of having feelings for someone you've known for basically their entire life vs. The greatness of having feelings for someone you truly respect and admire as opposed to someone who is just cute or whatever.

Do I give in to the awkwardness and let these feelings slide? Do I forget the risks and pursue someone who already means more to me than most? Is there a happy medium between the two?

Help. Thanks in advance.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 6,2010, 4:22pm
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I think you should directly ask this woman on a date.

Make a clear, specific, crisp invitation to dinner or so - making it obvious it's a date, and see what happens.

She'll accept, decline, or waffle.

Either acceptance or refusal gives you a clear answer.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  April 6,2010, 5:01pm
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I am not sure what sort of relationship you currently have...do you consider her a close friend or someone you just know because she has been a "neighbor" for years.

This is the difficult part...especially if you two consider yourselves as close friends....not so much if you would be classified as casual acquaintence.


What I would do is just ask her out on a date.
 
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phoenix888 is offline phoenix888 Post #4  April 6,2010, 5:08pm
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Seems like this is the way people used to get married all the time. (I'm thinking of parents' and grandparents' generationally). I think there's something to be said for dating someone you have had a chance to really get to know over a long period of time. Its something not a lot of us get to experience in this day and age of dating, especially if one is suddenly starting over.

What are you waiting for? Ask her out, man!!! I wish you well and hope she gives you an excited "yes!".
 
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oceanlady is offline oceanlady Post #5  April 6,2010, 5:20pm
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I agree. Ask her out! She may very well have the same feelings for you. Good luck, and keep us posted.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  April 6,2010, 5:33pm
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I am a little confused as to the actual relationship that you two have. You mention having seen her every week or two over all these years, this does not lead me to see a real close connection. Is she as "aware" of you as you are of her?

If you two have been close family and church friends for all these years then you each would know more about each other than you would learn dating someone for a couple of years. This would be on the plus side.

On the minus side is the fact that if it does not work then you are going to see her at church and possibly at family functions.

I do think that the pluses may be greater than the minuses in this situation.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 6,2010, 5:43pm
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phoenix888 wrote :
Seems like this is the way people used to get married all the time. (I'm thinking of parents' and grandparents' generationally). I think there's something to be said for dating someone you have had a chance to really get to know over a long period of time. Its something not a lot of us get to experience in this day and age of dating, especially if one is suddenly starting over.

What are you waiting for? Ask her out, man!!! I wish you well and hope she gives you an excited "yes!".
I agree with this but disagree with your implied reason that it does not happen. It is not generational or that we are now living in the 21st century. It is because most people today require instant sparks and are unwilling to invest even the most minuscule amount of time to get to know someone.
 
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edgewill is offline edgewill Post #8  April 6,2010, 6:09pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
I am not sure what sort of relationship you currently have...do you consider her a close friend or someone you just know because she has been a "neighbor" for years.
Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I am a little confused as to the actual relationship that you two have. You mention having seen her every week or two over all these years, this does not lead me to see a real close connection. Is she as "aware" of you as you are of her?
I'll hit both of these since they're along the same lines.

It's not like we're BEST FRIENDS or anything. Thankfully. If we were, I would likely NOT risk the friendship and probably not even think this in depth about it. If anything, whatever the level down from "close friend" is, that's us. It's not like those friendships where if you don't see or talk to each other for a week, it feels weird but when we're together there's a sense (at least on my side) of "You know, she's ridiculously awesome. I should make more of a effort to go out of my way to hang out with her." So it's way more than just the "Hey, I know you." type of "friendship" (which is really just acquaintanceship). The fact that I can see so much that I respect, enjoy and value in her at *this* level of friendship makes me wonder what would be found at an even higher level of relationship (whether romantic or simply as friends).

Further, although we've known each other for years, it's only been in about the past couple of years or so that I'd consider her as a "friend" in the general sense. Again, there's a five year age gap and when you're 16, you're not friends with that many 11 year-olds. However, when you're 24, being friends with a 19 year old isn't as odd sounding at all. I think the fact that when I went back to college, she had just started at the same school (which being a small college lead to use occasionally seeing each other in a different environment) probably was what really helped me look at her as "peer", as opposed to "this girl I know who's five years younger than me".

It's more of the fact that we're known OF each other for so long and have various connections that really weirds me out. Considering her a friend just compounds the problem.
Last edited by edgewill; April 6,2010 at 7:41pm.
 
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theodisious is offline theodisious Post #9  April 6,2010, 6:16pm
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Bring a flower, just one, don't go overboard or she may feel she cant accept it, I recommend a single red rose, unless there is a reason within your history to bring some other type. ( if any girls out there care to contradict me... i would love to hear why flowers are a bad idea )
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  April 7,2010, 5:25am

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This doesn't seem all that complicated to me.
You know her, you like her-so ask her out.
AS has been mentioned, this is how people met and married in years past...you know-before eH and Match.com?
 
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