maddie113 is offline maddie113 Post #1  April 5,2010, 5:12pm
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I have been dating someone for the past almost 3 months. We have both been in serious relationships in the past and wanted to ease into this - no pressure - to see where it goes before we made it a committment - I liked this idea actually. During the past three months we have spent a tremendous amount of time together and its been great. I didnt bring up the idea of a "relationship" because I was enjoying it. We never said that we wouldnt see other people but for my part I began to take it as implied as we spent so much time together and it was so wonderful and I didnt want to see anyone else. Everything was going great until last weekend. To make a long story short he told me that he slept with someone else. His story was that he was getting scared because he was starting to have strong feelings for me and didnt want to committ to someone he couldnt see himself marrying, so made this decision. He then proceeds to tell me that it wasnt until he slept with this other person that he realized that he wanted to be with me and wanted to make it serious and could in fact seeing himself marrying me. It is at this point he asks if I would take the next step with him.... I am obviously horrified and angry and hurt, etc., but on the otherhand I am completely in love with him. He is sick with guilt and promises me that once I am his girlfriend he would never cheat. What do I do? Before he told me about the other (I have horrible names for her) I would have loved to be with him, but now I am honestly feeling sick about it. Am I an idiot to stay with him?
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #2  April 5,2010, 6:09pm

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I have to say he has a pretty pathetic decision making process. What does he do when deciding on a car, take every other make and model out and crash it then buy the one he wants?

I don't mean to sound flip but the old I love you therefore I slept with someone else is high school.

Edit: I want to apologize to all mature high school guys.
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; April 5,2010 at 6:13pm. Reason: High school guys are more mature
 
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mianoelle is offline mianoelle Post #3  April 5,2010, 6:16pm
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It's always easy to give your opinon as someone outside the situation, but I would dump him pretty quick. Him sleeping with someone else and then claiming to want to be with you is just plain wrong and show's a lack of respect for you as a person.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #4  April 5,2010, 6:16pm
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You're angry because someone who didn't agree to be exclusive with you slept with someone else?

Or you're angry because he told you about it?

I don't think there is anything for you to be angry about, except perhaps to be angry at yourself for not discussing exclusivity with him earlier.

Realize it would have been very easy for him to not tell you about the incident and just announce that he wanted to get more serious with you.

When I read threads like this, it really makes me question the idea of being open about things.

If I were him, I wouldn't have told you about sleeping with the other woman, since as you've shown here, odds are that disclosing that wouldn't accomplish anything.
Last edited by mrflyer; April 5,2010 at 6:19pm.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #5  April 5,2010, 6:17pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I have to say he has a pretty pathetic decision making process. What does he do when deciding on a car, take every other make and model out and crash it then buy the one he wants?
That's a poor analogy. A better one would be someone who test drives a new car, then decides he'd rather just keep the one he already has.

Not sure where you come up with "crash it"- did he beat someone up and she failed to mention that?
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #6  April 5,2010, 6:20pm
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I'm sorry for what you are going through. If exclusivity wasn't really discussed, then I don't think it's fair to 'punish' him for what he did. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

You sound young, but perhaps you could consider an exclusive relationship with him if you really love him. I'd proceed with caution, and don't be thinking in terms of marriage. He sounds young, too.

Once you have both agreed to be exclusive, any future 'lapse' would indicate a huge character flaw, in my opinion. As difficult as it may be, I'd try to keep my heart and my eyes open, perhaps learning from this difficult experience.

Good luck!
Last edited by lacedwithhope; April 5,2010 at 6:24pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  April 5,2010, 6:23pm
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My opinion....what he's telling you is all B.S. He's telling you what he thinks will let him 'get away with' this. However, it is true that you had not made anything explicit with him to the effect that he shouldn't be sleeping with anyone else.
 
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maddie113 is offline maddie113 Post #8  April 5,2010, 6:23pm
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I would love the male perspective here! I do appreciate the fact that he was honest. He could have kept it to himself and told me he wanted to be serious and I would have gone on happily as if nothing was wrong. BUT can I really take him seriously that he wants to be with me? I had feelings so I didnt even want to be with someone else. Doesnt the fact that he opted for sex with another person indicate that he isnt in the same place? How can he one day sleep with another then the very next day tell me he can see himself with me? What am I missing here?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #9  April 5,2010, 6:26pm
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maddie113 wrote :
I have been dating someone for the past almost 3 months. We have both been in serious relationships in the past and wanted to ease into this - no pressure - to see where it goes before we made it a committment - I liked this idea actually. During the past three months we have spent a tremendous amount of time together and its been great. I didnt bring up the idea of a "relationship" because I was enjoying it. We never said that we wouldnt see other people but for my part I began to take it as implied as we spent so much time together and it was so wonderful and I didnt want to see anyone else. Everything was going great until last weekend. To make a long story short he told me that he slept with someone else. His story was that he was getting scared because he was starting to have strong feelings for me and didnt want to committ to someone he couldnt see himself marrying, so made this decision. He then proceeds to tell me that it wasnt until he slept with this other person that he realized that he wanted to be with me and wanted to make it serious and could in fact seeing himself marrying me. It is at this point he asks if I would take the next step with him.... I am obviously horrified and angry and hurt, etc., but on the otherhand I am completely in love with him. He is sick with guilt and promises me that once I am his girlfriend he would never cheat. What do I do? Before he told me about the other (I have horrible names for her) I would have loved to be with him, but now I am honestly feeling sick about it. Am I an idiot to stay with him?
I would feel exactly the same way as you if I was in your shoes. This is tough!

I don't think you are an idiot to want to stay with him because he did not betray you since there was no commitment to break. It is understandable that you would feel so hurt and angry though, and I think he has poor judgment. That might make me question our compatibility, but I'm sure I couldn't switch off my feelings immediately.

I would probably want to proceed very slowly from here and not be quick to get physical with him until I am sure of his commitment to me and that he passes an STD test with flying colors, keeping in mind that some things take a few months to show up on the test.

I am not suggesting punishing him for his actions, but giving some time to rebuild trust, because I think this has shaken your trust in him. It would seriously hurt my trust in a man.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  April 5,2010, 6:30pm

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mrflyer wrote :
That's a poor analogy. A better one would be someone who test drives a new car, then decides he'd rather just keep the one he already has.

Not sure where you come up with "crash it"- did he beat someone up and she failed to mention that?
I agree, poor analogy, in my defense I was thinking about how far to the kitchen and I really wanted a glass of wine.

To your other post I agree completely with your assessment of his honesty but I would like to address his maturity. I would ask would you need to sleep with someone else to realize you had feelings for someone? It seems very Young and the Restless, ya know. Like Victor knocked another chick up and realizes he has always been in love with Nicki.

*wonders if they are still characters on that soap...*
 
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