How do I get out of this?


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dr1619 is offline dr1619 Post #1  May 25,2008, 11:06am
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I met a man through eH and we went through guided communication before emailing a few times. He called and we spoke on the phone several times and at great length. He asked me to lunch last week. He's very nice, but came on a little strong. We went for a drink after lunch, and he kissed me at the bar. It was just a light peck on the lips, but I'm 56 and he's 61... a little old for PDAs and it was our first date.

He madeseveralreferences to things we could do together "if you'd like to continue this." We were talking about his adult children and he joked that I could be an instant grandmother (Yikes!) There was no chemistry for me, but I'm trying to be open minded so I agreed to see him again.

He's called me almost every night since the date. One night I told him I thought we should continue to see other people. He didn't agree and said "I don't want to go out with 16 other women and lose you." He's only been on eH for 3 weeks.

He's out of town this week at his vacation home and said he wants to see me Monday. The other night he called and the conversation went like this:

Him: Come out and meet me. You don't have to sleep with me, I have a guest room. We can go out on the boat.

Me: Thank you, but no.

Him: Why not?

Me: ........... why not?

Him: Yes. Why not?

Me: ........... because (1) I barely know you, and (2) I get sick on boats unless it's completely calm.

Him: It was beautiful today.

I quickly changed the subject to storms we're having here.

The more I think about this, the more turned off I'm getting. He's way more into me than I'm into him. I think it's only going to get worse.

How do I tactfully let him go? Help?!?! He's going to call me tonight about getting together tomorrow, and I really don't want to see him.
 
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PrettyinPink474 is offline PrettyinPink474 Post #2  May 25,2008, 11:12am

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dr1619, wrote :

I met a man through eH and we went through guided communication before emailing a few times. He called and we spoke on the phone several times and at great length. He asked me to lunch last week. He's very nice, but came on a little strong. We went for a drink after lunch, and he kissed me at the bar. It was just a light peck on the lips, but I'm 56 and he's 61... a little old for PDAs and it was our first date.

He madeseveralreferences to things we could do together "if you'd like to continue this." We were talking about his adult children and he joked that I could be an instant grandmother (Yikes!) There was no chemistry for me, but I'm trying to be open minded so I agreed to see him again.

He's called me almost every night since the date. One night I told him I thought we should continue to see other people. He didn't agree and said "I don't want to go out with 16 other women and lose you." He's only been on eH for 3 weeks.

He's out of town this week at his vacation home and said he wants to see me Monday. The other night he called and the conversation went like this:

Him: Come out and meet me. You don't have to sleep with me, I have a guest room. We can go out on the boat.

Me: Thank you, but no.

Him: Why not?

Me: ........... why not?

Him: Yes. Why not?

Me: ........... because (1) I barely know you, and (2) I get sick on boats unless it's completely calm.

Him: It was beautiful today.

I quickly changed the subject to storms we're having here.

The more I think about this, the more turned off I'm getting. He's way more into me than I'm into him. I think it's only going to get worse.

How do I tactfully let him go? Help?!?! He's going to call me tonight about getting together tomorrow, and I really don't want to see him.
Just tell him the truth! I know it sucks but if you liked him none of what he was doing would bother you.
 
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Tree is offline Tree Post #3  May 25,2008, 11:18am
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Tell him that you appreciate his offer but that you aren't comfortable with the pace of the relationship. If you decide to give him a chance to show you that he can slow things down (assuming of course that he communicates an understanding of your concerns and a willingness to curtail the overt behaviors for the future)...then it's your call as to whether or not YOU want to know him better under [hopefully] less distracting circumstances. Does he interest you? If yes, then you may want to move forward. If not, then cut your losses gently but clearly.

Best -
Tree
 
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bluelinebetty is offline bluelinebetty Post #4  May 25,2008, 11:20am
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dr1619,

It is sometimes hard to let someone down, but clearly as you have no interest in seeing this man and he makes you feel uncomfortable, the best action is just to be honest. Well, the level of honesty is up to you. You could come right out and say what you've said here, that you aren't feeling a connection and would prefer not to "continue this". Then close the match. Orwrite him a message explaining yourfeelings and close the match.After one date I don't feel you owe this man much, and if he wants such a strong commitment this soon he may just be looking for someone to fill the voids. I sense a bit of desperation on his part, and you deserve better than that.

Good luck to you!
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #5  May 25,2008, 12:57pm
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dr1619, wrote :
How do I tactfully let him go? Help?!?! He's going to call me tonight about getting together tomorrow, and I really don't want to see him.
If you think he is emotionally stable enough to take the news, just be honest with him ... nice guy, no spark, you don't want to continue seeing him in a romantic capacity.

If he's not emotionally stable, show him my eH Advice profile and tell him you fell for a younger man
 
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dr1619 is offline dr1619 Post #6  May 25,2008, 3:28pm
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Thank you all so much! I'll probably hear from him in 2-3 hours. I've made notes from all of your suggestions and hope I can speak clearly and relay my feelings without hurting his. I think it's best if we go our separate ways.

His wife of 15+ years died just a little over a year ago. I think he's trying to fill the void in his life. I told him he needs to take more time to grieve, he's only been on eH 3 weeks, needs to see other women, but he's getting too attached too quickly.

Thanks again to all of you who took the time to help me!

P.S. to ThePriestess -- I've already got a Mrs. Robinson cyber crush on you from your hilarious posts. Are you sure you're not 25 years older?
 
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Crismas is offline Crismas Post #7  May 25,2008, 6:13pm
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PrettyinPink474,122395 wrote :
dr1619, wrote :

I met a man through eH and we went through guided communication before emailing a few times. He called and we spoke on the phone several times and at great length. He asked me to lunch last week. He's very nice, but came on a little strong. We went for a drink after lunch, and he kissed me at the bar. It was just a light peck on the lips, but I'm 56 and he's 61... a little old for PDAs and it was our first date.

He madeseveralreferences to things we could do together "if you'd like to continue this." We were talking about his adult children and he joked that I could be an instant grandmother (Yikes!) There was no chemistry for me, but I'm trying to be open minded so I agreed to see him again.

He's called me almost every night since the date. One night I told him I thought we should continue to see other people. He didn't agree and said "I don't want to go out with 16 other women and lose you." He's only been on eH for 3 weeks.

He's out of town this week at his vacation home and said he wants to see me Monday. The other night he called and the conversation went like this:

Him: Come out and meet me. You don't have to sleep with me, I have a guest room. We can go out on the boat.

Me: Thank you, but no.

Him: Why not?

Me: ........... why not?

Him: Yes. Why not?

Me: ........... because (1) I barely know you, and (2) I get sick on boats unless it's completely calm.

Him: It was beautiful today.

I quickly changed the subject to storms we're having here.

The more I think about this, the more turned off I'm getting. He's way more into me than I'm into him. I think it's only going to get worse.

How do I tactfully let him go? Help?!?! He's going to call me tonight about getting together tomorrow, and I really don't want to see him.
Just tell him the truth! I know it sucks but if you liked him none of what he was doing would bother you.
This may sound harsh, butI would immediately cut off any communication with this man. You sound like you are more worried about hurting his feelings than anything else. There was one date and no chemistry on your end - most gentlemen would sense your hesitation and back off, but this guy is moving full speed ahead with noconsideration for how you might feel, so why should you worry about how he might feel?? Him asking youto go tohis house, sleep over andgoing on a boat are all BIG RED FLAGS!! Close the match, don't take his calls and let him move on. The longer you try to be polite and let him down easy, the harder it will be for him to get the inevitable hint.
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #8  May 25,2008, 10:43pm
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dr1619,122549 wrote :

P.S. to ThePriestess -- I've already got a Mrs. Robinson cyber crush on you from your hilarious posts. Are you sure you're not 25 years older?
Let's see ... I can do: 8, 9, 18, 19, 98, or 99. Any of those good for you?
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #9  May 25,2008, 10:50pm
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ThePriestess,122866 wrote :
Let's see ... I can do: 8, 9, 18, 19, 98, or 99. Any of those good for you?
Also 13, 23, 28, 29, and 103 ... I forgot about those.
 
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technokat is offline technokat Post #10  May 25,2008, 11:23pm
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Crismas,122653 wrote :
This may sound harsh, butI would immediately cut off any communication with this man. You sound like you are more worried about hurting his feelings than anything else. There was one date and no chemistry on your end - most gentlemen would sense your hesitation and back off, but this guy is moving full speed ahead with no consideration for how you might feel, so why should you worry about how he might feel?? Him asking you to go to his house, sleep over and going on a boat are all BIG RED FLAGS!! Close the match, don't take his calls and let him move on. The longer you try to be polite and let him down easy, the harder it will be for him to get the inevitable hint.






Absolutely well said. Being polite should not be the goal necessarily. Being direct should.


I had a similar situation with a man who after one date called me constantly and kept finding things to do that I may have mentioned to him that I had done before and liked. He got to be too much. I told him over and over that he was coming on too strong and I didn't want to move that quickly. He tried to make me feel guilty as if I was the one with the problem. Then he kept texting me, calling me and emailing me. I didn't want to ever speak to him again. I finally sent him an email asking him to go away since he didn't understand me when I was being polite.

dr, this man is obviously desperate and isn't thinking of you for you. He's thinking of what HE wants or at least what he thinks he wants. All the advice here has been solid. Good luck.
 
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