Guardian299 is offline Guardian299 Post #1  April 5,2010, 10:46am
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I started seeing this guy who i had known previously, i got out of a relationship and started to see him at his every weekend and went to parties etc and it was great. We then sort of drifted apart for a rew weeks before texting and organising to meet up again. We see each other a few times over a few weeks and we get kissy and cuddly again as we were, and i said to him "what do you want" and he said "you...for starters". We see each other one or two days a week and i sometimes stay over his but then he stops texting me etc then says a few days later "i like you, but i dont want the serious relationship you want". i tell him im not wanting too eaither as i just got out of one (but the thing is i do want one with him but i am willing to slow my feelings down so he feels comfortable and may want to progress with time). We were back to how we were before again, seeing each other a few times a week etc, etc,but it feels different, better, like he wanted to be with me more and like he really liked me being around. But then the lack of contact comes back, this time he says he doesnt want "it" at the mo and that i forgave my ex he sees.
There is a whole other story with the ex but in a nut shell i recently was seeing my ex again but he man handled me and i told this guy and he was nice about it and comforting and i said i would talk to the other guy and leave him. The accusation of forgiving him came from friends of both the guys so its mainly just gossip so shouldnt be trusted.

This is where it goes very wrong.
I didnt like being falsely accused and was under a bit of the ol alcohol influence so text back saying he was wrong and he was the one i want (i know i should have stopped there) this continued with strings of texts about him meaning a lot to me and not to pull back from a good thing we jus started up again. (really put my foot in it)after a few hours he replied with "i said at the beginning nothing serious, slow down girl, whoo". i sent an apology text this morning saying i wasnt with it and joked that we should speak for a while.To which he replied "the truth comes out when your drunk tho" i told him not with me and he should know that andi i said it wasnt true and anything that was, was vastly exaggerated with some added bad drunken advise.

I have had no reply again, i dont know what damage control i can do, i thought laughing about it this morning would have made it ok, but now i dont know how to make him think im not a crazy person with lots of feelings for him. I dont want him to run and pull away cos he thinks i want to be serious even though i said i didnt.

Any help?? (sorry i know its long and confusing)
Last edited by eH_Advice_Host_Kate; April 5,2010 at 12:16pm.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  April 5,2010, 12:39pm

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he told you in the beginning he didn't want anything serious- you ignored that to see if he'd come around. he didn't.

it sounds like he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you- maybe you should move on.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  April 5,2010, 12:39pm
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The best damage control in cases like this is no contact. Maybe he will forget all of the texting stuff over time but you need to allow yourself to purge from his mind, and that is best done by doing nothing. No explaining, nothing.
 
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cleanslate is offline cleanslate Post #4  April 5,2010, 12:45pm
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Nanette wrote :
The best damage control in cases like this is no contact. Maybe he will forget all of the texting stuff over time but you need to allow yourself to purge from his mind, and that is best done by doing nothing. No explaining, nothing.
+1

And you need to move on and explore other options because he is clearly not ready for a relationship at this point.
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #5  April 5,2010, 1:14pm
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I'd love to hear some of the guys chime in, but sounds to me like he wanted a fling from the beginning, and he has tried to pull out of it a few times already.

I'm with Scarlet and Nanette - just step away.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #6  April 5,2010, 1:21pm

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Guardian299 wrote :
I dont want him to run and pull away cos he thinks i want to be serious even though i said i didnt.

Any help?? (sorry i know its long and confusing)
Guy just isn't interested in you. Honestly you come across as rather clingy and flaky.

All the insistence that you don't want a relationship sounds like you're just trying to get him into one with you gradually so you can get your hooks into him.

And this is just me, personally, but I never believe anyone who says that they "did something while drunk". Usually the person wasn't drunk at all, they just wanted an excuse for doing something in spite of what everything and everyone tells them they should do.

First off drunks are a huge turn-off, and someone only does the things they'd want to do anyway when they lose their inhibitions. Losing your inhibition doesn't make you suddenly want to do things you hate, it just helps you drop the "I hate this" pretense.

So, yeah, anyway, good luck with getting that guy. He's got a clear idea of what's going on and he's not into it.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #7  April 5,2010, 1:25pm
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Sounds like he wanted to be FWB, while you wanted a relationship.

Sadly, that just never meshes together in quite the right way, and in the end, someone usually ends up disappointed.

As for damage control, I agree with the stepping back and walking away. Just let the whole thing go and find someone who actually wants the same things that you want--don't you think you deserve to have that and be happy?
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #8  April 5,2010, 2:02pm
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TXButtercup wrote :
I'd love to hear some of the guys chime in, but sounds to me like he wanted a fling from the beginning, and he has tried to pull out of it a few times already.


The fact he just wanted a casual relationship from the start is an important factor. He didnt mind going on dates but at the time he didnt want something serious. He was straight with that right from the start. He didnt do anything wrong here.

She on the other handed seemed to have wanted this to be much more serious. I do believe true emotions do come out when you are drunk or you let your guard down.

The "pull out" piece implies that he was deceitful as if he wanted something serious and then didnt. He seems to like her for who she is but isnt interested in a serious relationship with her or anybody else right now.

Given her behavor, any hope of this becoming something any more serious is gone. He now looks at her as a little nuts. Sure someone you can date and get into bed with but nothing more.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #9  April 5,2010, 2:21pm

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Guardian, I think the thing to note is that you keep having to "pretend" you don't want more when you do want more. You can't just "pretend" you want the same thing and then magically one day, he will change and want what you want and you can finally stop "pretending".

It is all pretend. Pretend isn't good, go for something that is real to you and what/who you are and what/who you want.

Good luck.

PS - I am of the camp that "I was drunk" is a very flimsy excuse.
 
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Lostintranslation is offline Lostintranslation Post #10  April 5,2010, 2:50pm
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You can't repair what isn't there to begin with. He was clear about wanting nothing serious to which you said that you did - but told him you did not - hoping that things would change over time. The issue started with that lie on your part.

Wanting him to be different isn't going to change regardless of what you say to him drunk or sober.

For the future, I'd leave that phone alone while you drink... all things in moderation... saves on the shamefaced explanations later.

The good news is that you learned what doesn't work - and hopefully you won't repeat it with someone else.
 
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