The Goldilocks method


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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #1  March 21,2010, 5:39am
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Ok, i read the bragging thread and saw a few comments that made me wonder about when pride becomes tacky self aggrandizement or modesty becomes irritating lack of personality.

So, bragging, some may see a list of what you think are your own best qualities as bragging, especially if a person is bragging about not bragging, but hell, any positive self assessment is going to sound like a trumpet fanfare, and anyway, is pride in what you think is good about yourself really such a bad thing?
Sure there's something to be said for just being and letting people make up their own minds, but go too far with it and you're not just a closed book, you're a book that never gets taken off of the shelf because every other title looks more interesting.
As with all things it's a question of what balance works for each individual, modesty vs self worth, too much self worth and you're an unrealistic high maintenance prince(ss) no one can ever please, too much modesty and you're wallpaper, you just fade into the background.
Everyone has different ideas about where the pivot point should be, we're all very different personalities with different values, different expectations, different drives.
I have a good sense of humour and say so on my profile, not because i think i'm a riotously funny comedian but because other people tell me i'm a good laugh, and i'd certainly want to know if someone has the personality of a rock before sending an email to a person who may think double entry book keeping is dangerously fun. I say i'm not bad looking not because i think i'm Johnny Depp (i wish) but because i've had enough success to know i'm not Quasimodo. If i didn't have those things on my profile then it would just be a boring list with a couple of pictures; here are the things i like, here are the things i hate, contact me or not, i don't really care, i'm only here so i can tell myself i've made an effort.
I like to see what someone values about themselves on their profile, i'll make up my own mind about it anyway but it gives me some idea what they might value or hate in me, and that they're a positive rather than neutral or negative personality because negative will drag me down and although i have positive elements i'm too neutral myself to date another one, we'd never get anywhere. And if they're too proud of themselves? Ok, then i'll tiptoe on my merry way, no harm done, no time wasted.

Just my tuppence worth, i posted as a new thread because i didn't want to give anyone the impression that it was attacking their own viewpoints.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  March 21,2010, 6:43am
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What makes the bragging bad is when it's more than clear that the author's standard is too low.

Seriously, I have seen so many profiles with "I have a sense of humor" - yet there is not a single funny thing in their profile.

Profiles claiming intelligence and education, yet demonstrating neither, are also common. As is second hand bragging, such as "my friends say I'm cute."

I think it's worth the effort to find these mistakes, and rewrite a profile to remove them.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  March 21,2010, 6:44am
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Post too long.

Maybe this will help you get a grip on bragging.

Bragging is to speak of oneself with EXCESSIVE pride. The operative word here is excessive. One should be proud of their accomplishments, this is not bragging.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #4  March 21,2010, 6:50am
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...there was a 'bragging thread' and I missed it?????

Darn it...I hate being out of the loop!

Don't think I would have posted in the thread, but it sure would have been a great read...
 
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phoenix888 is offline phoenix888 Post #5  March 21,2010, 7:00am
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D_Lion.........So in your estimation, would a good profile be stripped to just the basic facts?
Excessive bragging isn't attractive to me, but, some sort of self confidence must shine through. As for the humor part... maybe stating what STYLE of humor you are most drawn to is more effective. I don't expect someone to do a stand up bit in the midst of their profile.
I guess I like to see a little bit more than just the facts -- I hope I'm misunderstanding what you meant here!
 
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phoenix888 is offline phoenix888 Post #6  March 21,2010, 7:01am
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D_Lion.........So in your estimation, would a good profile be stripped to just the basic facts?
Excessive bragging isn't attractive to me, but, some sort of self confidence must shine through. As for the humor part... maybe stating what STYLE of humor you are most drawn to is more effective. I don't expect someone to do a stand up bit in the midst of their profile.
I guess I like to see a little bit more than just the facts -- I hope I'm misunderstanding what you meant here!
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #7  March 21,2010, 7:05am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Post too long.

Maybe this will help you get a grip on bragging.

Bragging is to speak of oneself with EXCESSIVE pride. The operative word here is excessive. One should be proud of their accomplishments, this is not bragging.
Well said...

But then as I stated in my previous post, I did not have the pleasure of reading the thread, so I really don't know how much of the perceived bragging of the OP would be deemed "excessive" or just being proud of accomplishments, by most folks. I think it's all about how one views 'tooting' one's own horn. Some find it offensive to be prideful about anything (my mother falls in this category...she takes the Bible literally and feels that "pride" is a sin and humilty is a virtue)...and then there are other folks who admire when folks can talk about their accomplishments and who they are, in a prideful way. They might see it as self-confidence and chutzpah (some folks probably think northeasterners are especially guilty of this!).

I think it is all subjective and based on how one views anything even remotely connected to the word "pride".

Now...I'm on a mission to find that darn thread...lalalalalala
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #8  March 21,2010, 7:16am
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phoenix888 wrote :
D_Lion.........So in your estimation, would a good profile be stripped to just the basic facts?
Excessive bragging isn't attractive to me, but, some sort of self confidence must shine through. As for the humor part... maybe stating what STYLE of humor you are most drawn to is more effective. I don't expect someone to do a stand up bit in the midst of their profile.
I guess I like to see a little bit more than just the facts -- I hope I'm misunderstanding what you meant here!
Yikes...you posted while I was typing. I guess great minds think alike, huh?

The humor...I see your point. I try to avoid humor in my profile unless it is light and comes with a *smile* afterwards, because I spent way too much time when I was growing up watching Mel Brooks, Monty Python and Benny Hill, thus most folks rarely 'get' my humor.

I always come off sounding like a geeky weirdo because my humor is mostly 'inside jokes" stuff, and if you weren't exposed to that type of humor or do not like that style of humor, I can sound like a person that is on meds, or that should be on heavy medication...adios mio!

I keep my 'funnies' to myself until a person gets to know me.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  March 21,2010, 7:35am
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I think there's a balance. In all writing (and profiles are an exercise in writing) it's more effective to show, than tell.

So, while someone who says they have a great sense of humor wouldn't offend me at all, someone who says they prefer the Marx Brothers to the Three Stooges would definitely get my attention.

I don't generally say I'm intelligent. I say I'm an avid reader and researcher and I'm intensly curious about most things.

I never say I'm attractive, because that is a perception of the other person. Some will find me so. Others won't.

I never listed a lot in the way of personal traits, other than what I've actively solicited and received from friends I know well enough to know they're telling me the truth. These are people who've known me for decades, so when they say "You're an amazing friend" or "You have a strong moral compass" or "You have a wicked sense of humor" I can trust them to provide a valid outside perspective and not simply pander to my ego. When I ask, I always ask for three positive and three negative traits. This also gives me insight on areas to improve. This has nothing to do with dating. This is just me and my curiousity again.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #10  March 21,2010, 7:39am
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D_Lion wrote :
What makes the bragging bad is when it's more than clear that the author's standard is too low.

Seriously, I have seen so many profiles with "I have a sense of humor" - yet there is not a single funny thing in their profile.

Profiles claiming intelligence and education, yet demonstrating neither, are also common. As is second hand bragging, such as "my friends say I'm cute."

I think it's worth the effort to find these mistakes, and rewrite a profile to remove them.
Ahhhhhh...I had to pull out definitions for this one:

proud - feeling self-respect or pleasure in something by which you measure your self-worth; or being a reason for pride; "proud parents"; "proud of his accomplishments"; "a proud moment"; "proud to serve his country"; "a proud name"; "proud princes"...all 'good things' in my opinion.

One does not want to seem like a sad sack. If a person does not have anything they are proud of about themself, how can that person expect others to see what a great person he/she is?

I think what you are referring to is:

self-aggrandizement - an act undertaken to increase your own power and influence or to draw attention to your own importance
[ego trip]

I see this a lot in profiles...and my time on the eha boards has helped me to rewrite and remove anything in my profile on EH and other dating sites that sounds like it might be construed as aggrandizing: exhibiting self-importance; "big talk" boastful, braggart, bragging, braggy, cock-a-hoop, crowing.

self-aggrandizing - definition of self-aggrandizing by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

It is very difficult to write abnout your accomplishments ,and who you are, without going too far and sounding like a braggart...or being too laid-back and sounding like a boring person that has nothing to be proud of about yourself.

Indeed, it is a fine line to walk. I usually have friends proofread my profile (my oldest sister has the a very keen eye and can spot balderdash when she sees it)...and I've taken advice from folks on dating boards that have read my profile and given me good advice about what comes off too strong or weak about me. EH also will read any profiles and give helpful suggestions to help folks 'tweek' it to smooth out any rough edges.

Oh well...my soapbox for today....great post D! It gave me much food for thought.
 
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