Putting it all out there- how effective is that?


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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #1  March 16,2010, 7:05am
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I've found that online daters seem to fall into one of two categories:
1. those that put a lot of their expectactions and criteria in their profile
2. those that do not


I'm in the camp that does not put this info in my profile. I'll mention my strong preference for a man that does not yet have children (as I don't) but that's it. (i view that as a pretty clear issue as if you have kids they surely aren't going anywhere!)

Everyone has so many different things that they want and don't want in a potential partner running through their heads, it seems to me that it would be a bit offputting to put it all out there at once. Not to mention, that's very different than how things happen in 'real life' where no one has their height and weight requirements hanging on a sign around their neck.

So I'm curious: for people that have all of their criteria stated up front- do you find it to be an effective strategy? Do you think it cuts down on the number of 'wrong' people contacting you? Or do you find it just cuts down on the contact you receive in general?
Last edited by FairOne; March 16,2010 at 8:18am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  March 16,2010, 7:56am
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IRL you do have "your height and weight requirements on a sign around your neck" so to speak. IRL you have seen the person in 3D before you speak. If they are not tall enough or are too fat then you don't approach them as a possible date. Just say'n.

I find that it is best to be open minded with anything that is not going to be a deal breaker for you. If you would absolutely not date a guy under 6 foot then why would you not want to put that on your profile requirements?
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #3  March 16,2010, 8:22am
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Gr8tguy,
I see what you are saying. Though if a guy whose height I don't care for asks me out irl, I'm not going to say 'no, i won't go out with you because of your height'. Is your thinking that putting things like height requirements in your profile is good because it's better to let the person know exactly why you don't want to date them? If so it's pretty different than how I see things go irl. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #4  March 16,2010, 8:54am
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Aw man...I'm sad this got moved to 'using eHarmony'... One, because I'm really talking about websites where you can choose your matches yourself and Two, because I think it's more of a dating philosphy question.
 
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Mr_Average is offline Mr_Average Post #5  March 16,2010, 8:55am
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I have tried that in the past. It’s kind of hit or miss depending on who's the reader. You can sound snobbish to some and others will appreciate it. Example must be 6 feet tall. So I'm about 1 inch shy of that or lets say 2 (4cm) shorter. I may not approach you or depending on the site they can filter so you wouldn’t even hear from them.

The slightly more general approach I think would bring you more opportunities than being supper specific.

MHO FWIW
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #6  March 16,2010, 9:17am
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I feel that dating profiles are about talking about yourself because it is the only information a potential match has with which to make decisions based on his own criteria. I am perfectly capable of screening based on my criteria, so I have no need to detail them in a profile.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  March 16,2010, 9:33am
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I think it really depends on what the criteria is. For some if you have children is a high marker. For others it might be their education level.

The only criteria I put on my profile for someone else to be is that they are genuine. There are things I can pick up from reading someone's profile that will tell me if they aren't right for me.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #8  March 16,2010, 9:44am
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If you really know what you want and yer dealbreakers are yer dealbreakers, then I would think putting it all out there is best.

But if you have wiggle room on some things, then I would think putting it all out there is detrimental.

From what I've seen around here people have too many superficial and shallow dealbreakers. They'd never meet anyone if they put it all out there.

*looks at a newly chipped nail* Typing will do that sometimes ...
 
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fancyacuppa is offline fancyacuppa Post #9  March 16,2010, 10:09am
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We women should be happy that this neanderthal put it all out there on what he's looking for in a women.....

"I am looking for an attractive and sweet woman who is traditionally minded and generally defers to her man"

He allows us to #1 laugh our asses off and #2 close him out immediately. I'm glad he told us ahead of time.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  March 16,2010, 11:26am

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Hi FairOne,

It seems to me, from talking to members who’ve found someone, that it is helpful to state some primary requirements upfront (like children preferences, as you mentioned) so you don’t get into communications that only lead to disappointment.

However, I also think it is important to state those requirements in a very positive way which doesn’t send out an insulting message to the matches who don’t “fit”, and in a way which will send out a sense of anticipation and a “that could be me” to matches who do “fit”. In other words, it’s probably more beneficial to state “I’m looking for…” rather than “I’m NOT looking for…” (By the way, I laughed out loud at the idea of a sign hanging around your neck. Very clever.)

Also, I think the Must Haves and Can’t Stands set a reasonable limit on the “bottom-line” requirements, and in that vein, it’s best not to put a laundry list on the About Me page or excessively in communications. That may send the message that you demand more than is possible or reasonable for any person to live up to. In my opinion, it also can detract from the message of what a great catch you are.

There’s also something to be said for just being able to observe behavior as you get to know someone, because people may not “own up” to the ways in which they don’t fit your less concretely-definable requirements. Sometimes it’s not completely possible to describe these things comprehensively in a written profile.

~Kate
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PS - I moved the thread back to Dating per your "stated preference" (see, it can work to state your preferences! )
Last edited by eH_Advice_Host_Kate; March 16,2010 at 11:29am.
 
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