Putting it all out there- how effective is that?


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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #11  March 16,2010, 11:32am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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At times in the past I 'put it all out there' regarding who I am as a person and what I want in a relationship. At other times I had a much more basic and reserved profile. My own experience would seem to indicate that the latter got me more dates....though these were also with women that I wasn't interested in, so for all I know the 'put it all out there' strategy might have been better. Who knows.

Incidentally, the woman I'm seeing now I met online by searching for people in my local area on MSN Messenger. I added her as a friend (or whatever it's called there) and a month or two later we chatted a few times and then met up in person. So, we learned almost nothing about each other online as the profiles we have on MSN are minimal.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #12  March 16,2010, 11:47am
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suzyblueeyes wrote :
I feel that dating profiles are about talking about yourself because it is the only information a potential match has with which to make decisions based on his own criteria. I am perfectly capable of screening based on my criteria, so I have no need to detail them in a profile.
^^ I whole-heartedly agree with this. I try to give a sense of who I am in my profile, and I want your profile to talk about who you are. A big list of "what I want in a relationship" is rather off-putting to me...I'm interested in meeting someone to decide if we're a good fit for each other, not applying for a position and constantly proving that I'm worthy. Although the goal is the same in either case, the dynamic of how the goal is attained is very different, and I think the "requirement list" sends a message that the dynamic will be closer to a job app.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #13  March 16,2010, 11:51am
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LOL...thanks Kate :-)

Good points being made here by all; I also tend to think that even people who meet your criteria may be put off by it if stated a certain way.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #14  March 16,2010, 3:37pm
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I'm thinking of a beautiful post I saw this morning by a Friend.

She's having a great time.....with somebody totally unlike those she was always attracted to before.....WRT build, interests, etc.

I'm thinking that if she'd "put it all out there".....she wouldn't be so happy right now.

j8a
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #15  March 16,2010, 3:53pm
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I don't put it all out there, and mainly talk about myself. The only thing I do put out there is that I am looking for a "relationship" and not looking for games. It's important for me that anyone contacting me knows that I am not just looking for a "friend." It would be a waste of their time and mine. Oh, yeah, I do add that I am at an emotionally healthy/happy place and it is a requirement that the guy be the same (this part doesn't work though, cause the "others" still contact me!).

I get a lot of compliments on my profile, and think this approach gives the guy a more sincere look at who I am and what I am looking for, without having him determine whether he fits into a predetermined "box."
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #16  March 16,2010, 4:10pm
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FairOne wrote :
I've found that online daters seem to fall into one of two categories:
1. those that put a lot of their expectactions and criteria in their profile
2. those that do not


I'm in the camp that does not put this info in my profile. I'll mention my strong preference for a man that does not yet have children (as I don't) but that's it. (i view that as a pretty clear issue as if you have kids they surely aren't going anywhere!)

Everyone has so many different things that they want and don't want in a potential partner running through their heads, it seems to me that it would be a bit offputting to put it all out there at once. Not to mention, that's very different than how things happen in 'real life' where no one has their height and weight requirements hanging on a sign around their neck.

So I'm curious: for people that have all of their criteria stated up front- do you find it to be an effective strategy? Do you think it cuts down on the number of 'wrong' people contacting you? Or do you find it just cuts down on the contact you receive in general?
I don't think it's a good idea to "put it all out there" initially. In fact, an online profile should have as few "show stoppers" as possible... I think they are best reserved for a personal meeting, maybe after the first or second date. While it's fair to let potential daters know what turns you off, inserting a diatribe about what you don't want will get you few potential daters to begin with.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #17  March 16,2010, 6:55pm

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FairOne wrote :
LOL...thanks Kate :-)

Good points being made here by all; I also tend to think that even people who meet your criteria may be put off by it if stated a certain way.
I agree! I think a good percentage is not just what you say, but how you say it.

~Kate
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