toulousaine97 is offline toulousaine97 Post #1  March 14,2010, 5:19pm
toulousaine97's Avatar

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 1

See profile

I have been doing online dating for 6 months, during which time I met a few great guys. The problem is a disturbing pattern has emerged. The first date will be great. Meeting for a drink will turn into dinner, and the guy will call or text within 24 hours (sometimes within minutes of departing) to say what a great time he had, how he's so excited to meet have met me, etc., and we'll set up the 2nd date. He will continue to call or text every day until we see each other again. Date 2 will again go great, sometimes even better than the first date. Then date 3 happens and then... nothing. No calls, no texts. A few weeks later he will pop out of nowhere with, "Oh hey, how's it going? Sorry I didn't contact you sooner. I've been busy with work. Do you want to go out next ___day?"

This pattern is maddening. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why this happens. I don't bring up the scary "m" word (marriage); I don't get intimate with these men I barely know; I continue to go out with my friends; I'm not clingy; I let them initiate most of the initial contact but I always respond in a polite and timely manner. I just don't understand and I am wondering if this happens a lot to other people, or am I just not 4th date date-able? Help!
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  March 16,2010, 9:52am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,209

See profile

I would think that's fairly normal. I mean for myself, sometimes I can tell immediately that dating won't happen and sometimes it takes two or three dates before I can make that decision. So it could just be coincidence or a bad streak.

Since they do pop up later on, I kind of wonder if maybe initially you are making yourself a little too available or that you are too accommodating for them and so make them think that they can put you on the back burner and you'll just welcome them back whenever they chose to return. Just something to consider....
 
  Reply With Quote
suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #3  March 16,2010, 10:01am
suzyblueeyes's Avatar

is engaged

Enthusiast

Joined: Dec 2008

USA

Posts: 831

See profile

If you can handle it, why not ask the guy the next time it happens? It may or may not be painful to hear the answer, but then you at least may be able to find out if it is something you are doing or saying. Could just be bad luck. How many times has it happened?
 
  Reply With Quote
doo21_leroux is offline doo21_leroux Post #4  March 16,2010, 10:02am
doo21_leroux's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2010

Bowmanville

Posts: 79

See profile

These are the people that are single, and looking to find someone to fill up their free-time whenever they have it. I don't think these people are serious about finding a relationship but more of something that passes the time. If they are serious, then they don't have a realistic sense of what one of these relationships entail.

If I was pretty interested in the guy. I'd let the 2 weeks sans communication slide the first time. If it continues then I'd straight up ask the guy what the deal was. Is he really busy or just not really interested?

I also find that some ppl, despite being too busy or not really interested will string you along as a plan B or just as a safety net....so be weary.
 
  Reply With Quote
insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #5  March 16,2010, 10:16am
insertscreenn…'s Avatar

... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2010

Toronto, Canada

Posts: 3,228

See profile

Just an idea...

You are dating guys who will back-burner you after three dates when there is no hint of physical intimacy happening in the very near future. It's called the "three date rule" amongst some men.

Not saying that to be harsh, but it's a method men use to weed out women who are not sexually aggressive and/or open, especially when this is a requirement for the man to determine long-term compatibility.
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #6  March 16,2010, 10:17am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,901

See profile

sometimes people need time to decide, ya know?

So why make a big issue of it? They contacted you back again so they obviously decided in yer favor. If you like them, why not say yes to going out ___ day and see how it goes?
 
  Reply With Quote
mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #7  March 16,2010, 11:38am
mrflyer's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

my computer

Posts: 2,948

See profile

toulousaine97 wrote :
I have been doing online dating for 6 months, during which time I met a few great guys. The problem is a disturbing pattern has emerged. The first date will be great. Meeting for a drink will turn into dinner, and the guy will call or text within 24 hours (sometimes within minutes of departing) to say what a great time he had, how he's so excited to meet have met me, etc., and we'll set up the 2nd date. He will continue to call or text every day until we see each other again. Date 2 will again go great, sometimes even better than the first date. Then date 3 happens and then... nothing. No calls, no texts.
If nothing physical is happening by the 3rd date, a lot of guys won't ask you on a 4th. They will assume you've put them in the friend zone.

Are you kissing or holding hands or anything along those lines by the 3rd date?

Also, after 3 dates, some men will be expecting you to show some interest in them, such as asking them out or inviting to cook dinner for them. Do you ever do those things?
 
  Reply With Quote
Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #8  March 16,2010, 12:08pm
Raw_Truth's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1,355

See profile

mrflyer wrote :
If nothing physical is happening by the 3rd date, a lot of guys won't ask you on a 4th. They will assume you've put them in the friend zone.

Are you kissing or holding hands or anything along those lines by the 3rd date?

Also, after 3 dates, some men will be expecting you to show some interest in them, such as asking them out or inviting to cook dinner for them. Do you ever do those things?
THIS POST x A BUNCH.

For me by the third date there must be a minimum level of intimacy (basic kissing) which should include an invite to her place for movie/dinner.

After three strikes however I will in the least email/text that, "things don't seem to be going anywhere so best of luck."
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  March 16,2010, 1:08pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,438

See profile

If a guy does this just write it off and move on. He might just be looking for sex and isn't willing to invest real time in getting to know you, or he is dating others that didn't ultimately pan out for him.

I wouldn't let it faze you, but I also wouldn't waste time on guys like this, no matter what excuse they give.
 
  Reply With Quote
hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #10  March 16,2010, 1:33pm

Isn't afraid to tell you what he thinks of you.

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 1,198

See profile

mrflyer wrote :
If nothing physical is happening by the 3rd date, a lot of guys won't ask you on a 4th. They will assume you've put them in the friend zone.

Are you kissing or holding hands or anything along those lines by the 3rd date?

Also, after 3 dates, some men will be expecting you to show some interest in them, such as asking them out or inviting to cook dinner for them. Do you ever do those things?
Basically what I was thinking. It sounds like the original poster is expecting to be dragged kicking and screaming through the whole relationship.

If you're not interested in participating or rewarding a man for putting in the effort of getting close to you then most guys aren't going to waste a ton of time trying to wring blood from a stone.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« I Don't Understand.. need advice | Dating | Monday April 19th Weekend and Date Roundup »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Coupon on a first date: help me settle an office debate eHA_Admin_Lori Dating 588 September 5,2011 1:28pm
Fear of Date? passat1 Dating 12 May 2,2011 9:13am
Askin for the next date. First date versus second date. shoopthedoop Dating 8 September 24,2010 8:19pm
No second date yet.......I feel so stupid. itsabeatutifulday Dating 36 April 16,2010 8:06pm
2nd Date Jitters Timmer2 Dating 13 December 19,2009 2:45pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:17pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0