just got out of long term relationship and feel lost


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ajw204 is offline ajw204 Post #1  February 16,2010, 7:18pm
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Hi everyone, this is my first post on this site. I recently got out of a 5.5 year relationship back in september, but it only feels real the last 2 months. The reason for that is i had gotten so comfortable with us that i just assumed that we would get back together. we were still intimate for a few months after we broke up, and then she cut me off out of nowhere...only to tell me on new years eve that she was seeing someone else.

now i feel completely lost, as if i don't know her at all after all these years. we knew each other for 4 years in high school before we ever started dating. i wasn't ready to move on, and it still shocks and saddens me to see that she did so soon. she no longer sees sex and something intimate between 2 people. we are no longer at the same level and i don't know when this happened.

i am trying to put myself out there but after 5.5 years i feel completely lost in the dating department. it's easier when you're a beautiful girl and have guys approaching you all the time. i really don't know what to do as far as women go so i made an account on here. i don't know how to approach women, where to meet women besides class, i really don't know. i really would appreciate some advice on how to move forward. there is so much more to this story but i will answer any questions.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  February 16,2010, 7:25pm
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I'm sorry! I know it's difficult, but time really does help. Are you sure you are ready to start dating?
 
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BrickWallsBreak is offline BrickWallsBreak Post #3  February 16,2010, 7:34pm
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Stop worrying about what she believes now and how she acts now and who she is having sex with ... It isn't you. Learn from it.

You have to move on and keep to your own beliefs about love and intimacy. Don't be in a rush to date again. Take time with yourself before dating again. Being alone as a man is a good thing and can help you gain perspective on life.

Do you still talk to her? If so, cut it off completely. Do not call her, do not text, and ignore her calls. She isn't coming back. Move on, my friend, but do so with yourself before getting involved romantically again.

Like yourself.

And welcome to the forums
 
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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #4  February 16,2010, 7:59pm
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BrickWallsBreak wrote :
Stop worrying about what she believes now and how she acts now and who she is having sex with ... It isn't you. Learn from it.

You have to move on and keep to your own beliefs about love and intimacy. Don't be in a rush to date again. Take time with yourself before dating again. Being alone as a man is a good thing and can help you gain perspective on life.

Do you still talk to her? If so, cut it off completely. Do not call her, do not text, and ignore her calls. She isn't coming back. Move on, my friend, but do so with yourself before getting involved romantically again.

Like yourself.

And welcome to the forums
I pretty much went down the same road- 5 year relationship ended in october 2008. Kept the intimacy for 1 year (I cut her off completely last month until i'm ready to be friends). It just hurts more when you keep the intimacy going even though you're not together..so in a way it's good for you that she cut you off. I wish I would have done it sooner.

In addition to what I highlighted in the above reply, know that you will be confused. You need to give time to yourself to heal and figure things out. Time is the best medicine. Don't move into a relationship that quick. After we broke up, I tried to get my hands on any girl that was available, but now I realize it would have gone been a disasterous plan. Try to rationalize why the relationship didn't go well (this may take months!), learn from it, acknowledge your mistakes, and make sure you don't bring them into the next relationship.
 
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GEF2 is offline GEF2 Post #5  February 16,2010, 8:58pm
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wrote :
now i feel completely lost, as if i don't know her at all after all these years. we knew each other for 4 years in high school before we ever started dating.
I know how hard it is to move on after losing your first love-I've been there myself. It almost feels like a death and in a way it is.
wrote :
i wasn't ready to move on, and it still shocks and saddens me to see that she did so soon. she no longer sees sex and something intimate between 2 people. we are no longer at the same level and i don't know when this happened.
Unfortunately, she was ready to move on and I don't really see why she told you that she was seeing someone else so soon. That seems a little cruel to me. Everyone moves on at their own pace. I think you are just hurting b/c I don't know how you would know that she no longer sees sex as an intimate act bet. 2 people anymore. You need to be the bigger person and let her go. My advice to you is to cut off all contact with her until you are able to have a purely platonic (no romantic emotions at all) friendship if that is what you want with her.

wrote :
i am trying to put myself out there but after 5.5 years i feel completely lost in the dating department. it's easier when you're a beautiful girl and have guys approaching you all the time.
It isn't necessarily easier for a woman to date. I don't have guys approaching me all the time-or anytime for that matter. Some guys flirt, but that's as far as it ever goes.
wrote :
i really don't know what to do as far as women go so i made an account on here. i don't know how to approach women, where to meet women besides class, i really don't know. i really would appreciate some advice on how to move forward.
I think internet dating is a great thing. You get to meet people who you otherwise wouldn't get to meet in real life with similar interests and values.

And one more thing, it sounds like you are still really hurting. If you are not ready to start dating again, if you're not really into it, then wait. Go out and take classes that interest you (non-academic) and try to distract yourself and start to feel better about yourself. Then when you meet a woman, you'll have something positive in your life going on and also something new to talk and think about.
 
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ajw204 is offline ajw204 Post #6  February 16,2010, 9:10pm
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thanks for the responses, i really appreciate it and will think about all of them.

yeah i guess i should have mentioned that we have started being intimate again...and it's been the best we've had in as long as i can remember.

i really don't know where to go from here
 
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BrickWallsBreak is offline BrickWallsBreak Post #7  February 16,2010, 9:27pm
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ajw204 wrote :
thanks for the responses, i really appreciate it and will think about all of them.

yeah i guess i should have mentioned that we have started being intimate again...and it's been the best we've had in as long as i can remember.

i really don't know where to go from here
Wait, you are sleeping with her and she is dating other people?

She is a sycophant. Get as far away from her as possible or you will be emotionally repairing yourself for the next five years. She doesn't want love or sex, she wants your soul.
 
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MissKay is offline MissKay Post #8  February 16,2010, 9:57pm
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Holdyourcolor wrote :
I pretty much went down the same road- 5 year relationship ended in october 2008. Kept the intimacy for 1 year (I cut her off completely last month until i'm ready to be friends). It just hurts more when you keep the intimacy going even though you're not together..so in a way it's good for you that she cut you off. I wish I would have done it sooner.

In addition to what I highlighted in the above reply, know that you will be confused. You need to give time to yourself to heal and figure things out. Time is the best medicine. Don't move into a relationship that quick. After we broke up, I tried to get my hands on any girl that was available, but now I realize it would have gone been a disasterous plan. Try to rationalize why the relationship didn't go well (this may take months!), learn from it, acknowledge your mistakes, and make sure you don't bring them into the next relationship.
It's nice to hear other people have been in similar situations, I dated a guy for 4 years and we're still *wince* sleeping together. It's been 6 months since the official break up, but we've gotten cozy together again. I know that I need to pull away, and feel like I'm gaining the strength to stand on my own two feet again, but every time we've both agreed on cutting all contact we've broken it in 2 weeks or less. I think we were co dependent, we didn't have any social life that didn't include each other and it was hard, he was my best friend and I had no one to talk to.

It has been really hard, but I know that time is helping me and will continue to. Everyone says keep yourself busy, do things with your friends. But you're going to feel like crap no matter what, it's just when you do those things you're slightly distracted from the misery.

It's going to suck, you can't control her or her actions, you can only control yours. And you can choose to deal with this in a healthy way, allow yourself an emotional outlet, try and learn from the relationship, improve yourself. Just get by until life stops sucking, and though we all feel bad after a break up, some people hold onto the hurt longer, take it more personally and that will keep you feeling bad longer.
 
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anjei1026 is offline anjei1026 Post #9  February 16,2010, 11:27pm
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went through a similar breakup/hanging on for the first half of last year. we finally broke up permanently in july, and i promised myself i would take some time to get myself together. i recognised that i had a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another, and that clearly this was doing me no favours.

i changed her name in my phone to "just say no". yes, really. that way every time she tried to call or text, i had a reminder there in my face to leave it alone. i continued alone the counseling we had begun as a couple, which helped me to realise what i wanted for myself, where i made mistakes, where i was strongest and where i was sabotaging myself.

until she finally was able to move out, we couldn't stop ourselves from continuing a physical relationship. but that wasn't healthy for either of us, and we both knew it. we stopped talking for several months; in fact, i believe we last spoke in august, our last contact was around september or october, and then to save my sanity i cut her off completely until last week, when a family disaster that affected both of us brought us back into communication. the difference this round is that we've legitimately both moved on... because we gave ourselves and each other time.

i don't think you're ready to be in contact with her. i don't think continuing contact with her is going to help you. and i don't think you're ready to begin dating. consider counseling; it truly helps; and give yourself a chance to find your direction again and get un-lost.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  February 17,2010, 2:01am
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ajw204 wrote :
yeah i guess i should have mentioned that we have started being intimate again...and it's been the best we've had in as long as i can remember.

i really don't know where to go from here
it has been said already but you need to stop sleeping with her. you're dragging it out that way
 
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