NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #1  January 31,2010, 9:47am

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My friend, Teresa, recently asked me for some advice about a guy. She wanted to go bowling and asked him if he wanted to go and he made up some lame excuse about how he can't bowl because it hurts his fingers. But this is a guy who loves to play video games where you tend to use your fingers a lot. I immediately told her that this was a "red flag" and although I could be wrong I said that his behavior seemed suspicious to me.

In relationships, in life, haven't we often found out that it's the "little things" that often turn out to be the "big things" that really matter? I believe that success leaves clues, but so does failure. In the beginning of a relationship or a courtship if you are a man or a woman and you begin to notice something about your date or your mate that makes you feel uncomfortable or awkward, don't dismiss it. Ask them about it or talk to them about it. Because if you don't that little thing has a tendency to snowball and manifest itself into something bigger and bigger and pretty soon you have an avalanche on your hands.

Last year I got back in touch with an ex-girlfriend of mine whom I dated 10 years earlier. She was recently divorced and has an 8 year old boy with autism. I didn't care. We talked on the phone and then we met up again and things seemed to be going fine until I noticed that she didn't seem to care when I told her I had been in a car accident in December 2008. It was a minor accident and not my fault. An elderly man had rear-ended my car which caused over $4,000 damage to my car, but thankfully I wasn't seriously hurt. But I told her this story and she just nodded and was like "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So, let me tell you about this new job I'm trying to get." Everything was all about HER. She's always been a chatterbox, but she would go on and on and on for hours and I felt like I couldn't get a word in edgewise. And, then, she was looking at pictures I have in my house of family, friends, etc. One of them I have on my mantle shelf is of my nephew. She looked at his picture and didn't even ask about it, just glanced right over it. Now, most women who see my nephew's picture usually go "Aww! He is so cute! Is that your nephew?" Not her.

Now, you might think I'm being unfair here. But it was little things like that which alarmed me a bit and, quite frankly, made me feel like we were not compatible. And it's the little signs like that which can make you reconsider whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing or continuing. I know that we all deep down want to find love and that it sucks being lonely. To me, there is a difference between being "lonely" and "alone." You can be alone and be happy. Some people like being alone because they can be independent, do their own thing, and not have to worry about kids, a spouse, a significant other, a mate, etc. But being lonely usually makes one feel sad, miserable, depressed, etc. And some of us have had moments in our lives where we so desperately long to be in a relationship that we cave and settle for men and women who really are second-best. I'm here to say that none of us should settle for anyone. I'm 37 years old. I've never been married. I have no kids. And some of you are probably thinking "I'm not surprised!" LOL. But, seriously, I could easily have given up a long time ago and surrendered to this notion that I might as well get married and have a family now because "everyone else is doing it". Or I might as well get married and have a family now because "I'm getting too old."

This doesn't mean that I don't get scared or worried that I'm going to be 40 years old and still single and not having a family. Of course, I think about it. And I want to be married and have kids. But I'm not in search of the "perfect woman." I'm in search of the "right woman." All of us here deserve to be happy and with the right man or woman for each and everyone of us. My wish for everyone on here is that all of you find the love of your life. I know that some of the married people on here are probably looking at me and saying, "You don't want to get married, pal. Believe me." I know, I know. I hear all of the jokes and stories about how married people don't have sex anymore, how the kids "get in the way", how when you get married you lose the bathroom and the TV, etc. I don't care about any of that stuff. Because as corny and as trite as it might sound I would give anything to be able to come home, open my door, walk into the living room and be greeted with "Hey, honey! How was your day?" You know why? Because the alternative really sucks. It sucks to walk into your house and you're all alone. The house is quiet. And the only sound you hear is either the air conditioner or the heater depending on which season it is. And I don't want to go another 40 or 50 years living like that. Now, some of you might look at that as a "little thing", but for me it's a big thing. It's the little things in life that matter.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  January 31,2010, 10:00am
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Is there a question here somewhere
 
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NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #3  January 31,2010, 10:03am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Is there a question here somewhere
What kind of red flags have all of you experienced? Have you ever felt this way?
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  January 31,2010, 10:11am
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I agree with you Niceguy. Those little red flags do sometimes turn into bigger, more important red flags. It's one thing to be late every once in a while or forget to open the door for me or forget to wipe your shoes before you step on my newly cleaned carpet. It is totally another to ignore the pictures on my wall when you walk in my house or give me an "uh huh" when I tell you my son has a chronic condition.

I was just talking to a date about this last night. We are both a bit frustrated over the idiots we meet online. I told him I've become more aware of the red flags guys throw my way and am more apt to discontinue conversing with them when those come up.

I'm sure you will find that "right" lady. The one who IS concerned about you and your life. The one that asks you how your day is, even when her's sucked. The one that won't "girly up" your bathroom.
 
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ripn4life is offline ripn4life Post #5  January 31,2010, 10:16am
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I didnt find a question in there in-directly except wich red flags have other people found or saw etc. I personally dont care about a question in this forum because this forum hit home with me incredibly and I thank you NiceGuysFinishFirst... Seriously, Thank You Sir...
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  January 31,2010, 10:17am

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There are bigger red flags and there are not so important 'red flags' and from one person to another, often times this can vary greatly. The key is how hard do you think you search for those flags? I'm sure as a guy I've been passed on many times by women because they set their 'red flag radar' setting to 'very high'.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  January 31,2010, 10:24am
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NiceGuysFinishFirst wrote :
My friend wanted to go bowling and asked him if he wanted to go and he made up some lame excuse about how he can't bowl because it hurts his fingers. But this is a guy who loves to play video games where you tend to use your fingers a lot. I immediately told her that this was a "red flag" and although I could be wrong I said that his behavior seemed suspicious to me.

It sounds like you like being wrong.

Since bowling tends to involve muscles and movements unrelated to video games, you might be wrong again.

I did the bowling once, on a corporate event, and could hardly move my shoulder without pain for three weeks. However, the one thing I could do, relatively without pain, was use a computer (thankfully, that was what my job required. I had to drive, dress, cook, etc, with one hand, but I could work.)


NiceGuysFinishFirst wrote :
Ask them about it or talk to them about it. Because if you don't that little thing has a tendency to snowball and manifest itself into something bigger and bigger and pretty soon you have an avalanche on your hands.

I agree with this.


NiceGuysFinishFirst wrote :
I noticed that she didn't seem to care when I told her I had been in a car accident in December 2008. I told her this story and she just nodded and was like "Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Now, most women who see my nephew's picture usually go "Aww! He is so cute! Is that your nephew?" Not her.

Oops, now you're wrong again. If you want people to respond to your communication, ask a real question.

Rhetorical comments are not real exchange of information! This is a point men usually have to criticise women for.


NiceGuysFinishFirst wrote :
Now, you might think I'm being unfair here. But it was little things like that which alarmed me a bit and, quite frankly, made me feel like we were not compatible.

Your right to make this choice. But, have you tried asking your partner for what matters to you, and not just dismissing them?


NiceGuysFinishFirst wrote :
It [stinks] to walk into your house and you're all alone. The house is quiet.

After a day of work, the only thing I want to hear is nothing.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #8  January 31,2010, 10:28am

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Yes, muscles work differently too sometimes. I have problems with my hip, can't do certain exercises, but I can walk a couple miles just fine.....

Plus, people can use their fingers to play video games just fine....using three fingers to lift an 16 pound ball (or heavier) is a different story.
 
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NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #9  January 31,2010, 10:37am

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PY_2 wrote :
Yes, muscles work differently too sometimes. I have problems with my hip, can't do certain exercises, but I can walk a couple miles just fine.....

Plus, people can use their fingers to play video games just fine....using three fingers to lift an 16 pound ball (or heavier) is a different story.
Well, it wasn't just that. It was that the guy seemed hesitant when he was asked and my friend said that he seemed to clam up like he was not being totally straight with her. I wasn't there so I don't know what his body language was, okay? I'm just saying that from what she told me she sounded skeptical and last night she said he never even bothered to call her back about another date like he said he would.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 31,2010, 10:38am
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Does that mean I can use the excuse that it hurts my fingers AND screws up my manicure? Please! The guy is a woose and needs to get a life IMO. Yeah, it does take other kinds of muscles to go bowling, but really, it's bowling. If he had said "I don't like bowling" I think that would have been more appropriate than making up the fingers hurting lame-o excuse.
 
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