Can sleeping together too early ruin things?


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stewie25 is offline stewie25 Post #1  January 27,2010, 6:11pm
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Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster looking for some advice

So I was matched up with a seemingly great girl and we wound up going on three really great dates and agreeing to meet for a fourth.

We met for dinner at a bar, had a great time and then things started to get physical. Both of us being somewhat drunk, we went back to her place and slept together. Now, I virtually never do this so early (honestly), and it was a bit awkward after of course, but I wasn't too concerned at that point.

I texted her later in the day just casually to see how something she was doing went (and, subtley, to try to make it clear that I wasn't just trying to sleep with her and not call her again). I then emailed her again last night seeing if she was free again this week. She responded by saying things had gone too fast and that she also wasn't ready to have a relationship yet (she had vaguely mentioned she somewhat recently got out of a long-term relationship).

I was surprised (although not totally unexpected), and since I thought things had gone really well and that there was chemistry, I decided to be honest with her and said that I agreed things moved too fast and that I felt that there was definitely a click there but wished her luck.

A little unnerved, I went away from the computer and checked my email a bit later (not expecting her to respond and that to be that). Turns out she had responded and she really agreed there was a click, still wanted to see me again, but wanted to take it slower for awhile.

Now, on the whole, that sounds really good considering the situation and the fact that I agree with her about what happened. But it got me thinking. Why would a girl be willing to throw away what seems like a good thing (yes, it's early, but based on how well things went, there is / was clearly something there between us) because it moved too fast? It doesn't necessarily raise a red flag with me, but I'm wondering if this seems normal? My thinking is that she probably initially thought I just wanted sex but I guess changed her mind.

Thanks for any advice
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  January 27,2010, 6:18pm
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I will be brutally honest....I think the sex ruined the relationship and made her feel bad and cheap and ashamed.

Now she is pulling away from you. Thre is this uncertainty from her where she is wonderign if you look at her as a conquest...or something else.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  January 27,2010, 6:28pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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I will just answer the title question.

YEP!!!
 
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evesarmor is offline evesarmor Post #4  January 27,2010, 6:29pm
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There are so many reasons in the tumbled self loathing that woman are capable of that I would say just think positive and go forward. Two worry worts in a relationship is two many.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #5  January 27,2010, 6:36pm
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Where is Nanette?
 
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Ciao_eh is offline Ciao_eh Post #6  January 27,2010, 6:38pm
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based on no data, but personal optimism--through clear, honest and frank communication, your relationship may be saved, but it is not about s.e.x, it is about relating to one another. I encourage you to be direct and be brave to talk through each of your concerns. It sets a standard that will take you into the future. Love is part of it, but being real with one another is the cement.

Good luck to you!
 
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chicaboriqua1985 is offline chicaboriqua1985 Post #7  January 27,2010, 6:39pm
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YES! sex changes things, good or bad it just does. its better to wait to make sure its the right thing to do!
 
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stewie25 is offline stewie25 Post #8  January 27,2010, 6:56pm
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Thanks for the good (and quick!) advice everyone. I'm hoping she doesn't feel used as I really did not intend that at all. I was just trying to go with the flow and never made any attempt to stop anything from happening. I'll just have to really use the "second chance" at going slow and make sure to avoid making the same mistake again. If things pick up again and aren't so awkward that one or both of us decide to drop it, we'll have to actually communicate on when we are ready.

Lol, I definitely should have titled this thread better based on the number of "YES!"s that I have received. Let's just call it "Does sex too early always ruin things?"
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #9  January 27,2010, 6:57pm
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stewie25 wrote :
"Does sex too early always ruin things?"
No
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #10  January 27,2010, 7:02pm
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stewie25 wrote :
...Why would a girl be willing to throw away what seems like a good thing (yes, it's early, but based on how well things went, there is / was clearly something there between us) because it moved too fast?...
There are many, many couples who slept together on the first date and stayed together for years and years. There are also many, many couples who slept together early on (first date, fourth date, whatever) and did not make it to another date.

I do not think that WHEN you first sleep together has that much bearing on whether your relationship will turn into a long-term relationship. There are multitudes of other variables at work.

My ex-husband and I, a relationship that lasted 25 years, we slept together within a month of meeting. More recently, a guy I dated for 2 years... we slept together on the first date. Other guys.... I never slept with them and it didn't go anywhere. Or I slept with them early and it ended early. Or we waited a respectable amount of time before sleeping together and it lasted 18 months. In each and every case there were other factors at play that helped determine how long our relationships would last. When we first slept together was not the deciding factor in determining how long the relationship lasted. I actually feel that sleeping together early on will save you time and additional heartache later if you should find out early on that you are not sexually compatible. And if you do find out early on that you are sexually compatible.... well, BONUS!!

As for why your girl would be willing to throw away a potentially great relationship because you slept together 'too early,' well, I have no idea. But I suspect your response to the situation alleviated whatever fears she had, and so you handled it well.
 
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