When they do not answer your question


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HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #1  January 18,2010, 5:56am
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Hi all. Been seeing a nice lady now for a few weeks. Took a lot of advice from here, and it all seems to be helping. We have had some good times together, have a date planned in the near future.

I did ask her yesterday if she would like to get together last night. She answered my email, but not the question about last night. I originally called and left a message about the same. She never replied to the phone message, but did to the email, except no response to my wanting to see her last night.

I do not suspect anything bad, though I just wonder why she did not just say oh not to night I am busy or "what ever". I would not have cared if she just said, I am not up to it tonight, any answer would have been good.

Why did she just ignore the request? Is this a bad trait I should be weary of? I ask because it is not the first time she avoided part of a question, but answered the rest. I see a pattern in this with her. Does it mean she is deceitful?

I do not have any feeling that she is not interested, in fact just the opposite, but this avoidance thing is a bit annoying.

HR
Last edited by HopelessRomeo; January 18,2010 at 6:01am.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  January 18,2010, 6:11am
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That's hard to say without knowing exactly what your email said. Perhaps the invitation wasn't clear? Did she say anything in her email that suggested she would like to see you again.

While you are still in a "dating" stage, it's a good idea to give a little more notice for a possible date. Otherwise, it's like you are assuming she has no life. It's possible she already had plans (even another date) and the best response she thought was to reply to your email without an outright rejection of your offer (informing you of her plans).

*Especially that you are calling her/emailing her to go out the same night and didn't reach her right away. Don't leave a message about going out that same night! It would have been different if you called her up and got a hold of her directly.

For your question--Is this a bad trait? I'm not sure what the trait we're looking at is. Poor communication through email maybe? If that's all, it's not a big deal. I think you have both contributed to the confusion here.

**She probably finds your last minute invite as annoying as you find her avoidance.**
Last edited by MelinCali; January 18,2010 at 6:20am. Reason: some thing else to say!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  January 18,2010, 6:21am
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As MelinCali said it is hard to say without knowing what you said in your e-mail or phone message. If your messages had only the one question then to not respond to it is a clear indication that she is not interested in you. If your messages were long and asked a lot of questions then it could be she overlooked the getting together part while answering all the rest of the questions.

Very definitely in the early stages of dating you need to give plenty of notice about dates. When you are firmly established as a couple, then you can call up and say "would you like to go out tonight?"
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  January 18,2010, 6:21am
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HopelessRomeo wrote :
Hi all. Been seeing a nice lady now for a few weeks. Took a lot of advice from here, and it all seems to be helping. We have had some good times together, have a date planned in the near future.

I did ask her yesterday if she would like to get together last night. She answered my email, but not the question about last night. I originally called and left a message about the same. She never replied to the phone message, but did to the email, except no response to my wanting to see her last night.

I do not suspect anything bad, though I just wonder why she did not just say oh not to night I am busy or "what ever". I would not have cared if she just said, I am not up to it tonight, any answer would have been good.

Why did she just ignore the request? Is this a bad trait I should be weary of? I ask because it is not the first time she avoided part of a question, but answered the rest. I see a pattern in this with her. Does it mean she is deceitful?

I do not have any feeling that she is not interested, in fact just the opposite, but this avoidance thing is a bit annoying.

HR
One day is really short notice, first of all. A few weeks isnt a very long time either. If she didnt call you back, I suspect a lack of interest. Try calling her and asking her out ahead of time for a friday or saturday.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 18,2010, 6:43am
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Seems like a pretty straightforward case of I don't want to reject you directly but more importantly I don't want to provide explanations of why I'm rejecting your offer. Same goes for other questions that people deliberately ignore - it's a subtle way of telling you to back off a little because you are overstepping their comfort boundaries or moving faster than they wish or are comfortable with.

Also, what the above poster said. Asking the day of is pretty presumptive and calling and then e-mailing on top of that after your call was ignored is actually pretty pushy and impulsive. (Assuming it was ignored, as opposed to she was just busy with other things and did not have the time or the energy to reply in the time frame you were hoping for)You already have a date set up in the future so go with that and don't push for more or you will get pushed away.

I'm guessing that she likes you, but is trying to keep some healthy boundaries and stem your somewhat overzealous behavior without being mean about it.
 
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HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #6  January 18,2010, 6:58am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
As MelinCali said it is hard to say without knowing what you said in your e-mail or phone message. If your messages had only the one question then to not respond to it is a clear indication that she is not interested in you. If your messages were long and asked a lot of questions then it could be she overlooked the getting together part while answering all the rest of the questions.

Very definitely in the early stages of dating you need to give plenty of notice about dates. When you are firmly established as a couple, then you can call up and say "would you like to go out tonight?"
Well I was pretty clear about my intentions. The rest of the email was not really a question, more just hey whats up here is what I did today sort of thing.

The real reason it concerns me is because she made a comment about how she divorced her X and that was she waited till he was deployed "Navy" to serve him papers because "I am chicken like that". Her words.

I am just going to chill out and not contact her anymore, and let her make the next move. If no move comes, I will just move on.

HR
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #7  January 18,2010, 7:06am

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HopelessRomeo wrote :
Well I was pretty clear about my intentions. The rest of the email was not really a question, more just hey whats up here is what I did today sort of thing.

The real reason it concerns me is because she made a comment about how she divorced her X and that was she waited till he was deployed "Navy" to serve him papers because "I am chicken like that". Her words.

I am just going to chill out and not contact her anymore, and let her make the next move. If no move comes, I will just move on.

HR
a good lesson to take away would be if you ask for a second or third date to allow some time between the asking and the date of the date.

wrote :
I am just going to chill out and not contact her anymore, and let her make the next move. If no move comes, I will just move on.


i find this interesting, because another poster posted nearly the same thing a few days ago.

it seems that some men like to come on very strong with the emails and phone calls right in the beginning and then when their efforts are viewed as creepy (because they are) rather than romantic they then drop off the face of the earth.

curious.
Last edited by scarlet13; January 18,2010 at 7:11am.
 
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jcw001 is offline jcw001 Post #8  January 18,2010, 7:15am
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Tell her what you observe and how you feel. See how she responds. This is bothersome to you and you can respectfully let her know.

If you are interested, I wonder what taking a passive (aggressive) position is going to accomplish??

Surely your call, but it seems that honesty, delivered with respect and compassion is usually the best policy. Her answer and her responsive actions (or lack thereof) would seem to provide you a clearer indication of what you might be dealing with if you choose to go forward.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #9  January 18,2010, 12:22pm
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Personally I wouldn't worry about, ignore this and move on. If you spend too much time worrying about these little things you are going to drive yourself mad. Thousands of reasons why she didn't answer your question, but today is a new day and don't let it bother you.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  January 18,2010, 8:17pm
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A lot of times these questions can be answered on your own if you sit back and think about what you've learned about the person. If you do this, what conclusion or answer would you come up with?

Just off the bat it's either that she's flaky, or there is some dis-interest here (as in... perhaps you're coming on a bit too strong or a bit smothering). For one thing, I wouldn't double-up on communications. Just communicate once or through one medium ~ and only follow up after lack of response (but give it some time).

In this case, I'd back off a bit and yes, let her come to you (aka give her a chance to come to you).

Richey
 
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