Dating... I think I need to read the Rule Book!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  January 11,2010, 7:23am
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Ok, need a little help here... previously, I always thought dating went from:1) 1st/2nd date2) exploratory (seeing if you want to become exclusive, but still able to date other people)3) exclusive (in a relationship, bf/gf)4) ltr (leading to marriage or whatever definition you have)But, I think I may have gotten this wrong and missed a step between 3 & 4. Of course, this doesn't apply to every one in every situation. I'm talking about the "typical" way it happens, with no timelines as that completely depends on the situation. so, I'm dating someone and kinda thought we were in a relationship. agreed to be exclusive, which is great!! he mentioned to me last night, as we were talking about life's goals, etc. that his short term goal is to develop a relationship! WTHeck?Am I missing some very important ingredient that I should be aware of? Now, I know he is totally into me, and we talk daily, see each other between 2-4 times per week. But, I don't get the difference.I am planning to ask him tonight when I see him, but wanted to get the wise advice from the guys (and ladies) of this board before I approach the topic with him. Maybe I'm just looking at it wrong... wouldn't be the first time!
 
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Petite76 is offline Petite76 Post #2  January 11,2010, 7:33am
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It may be a simple misunderstanding in wording.

Could it mean that you "missed something?" It could, however, it doesn't sound like it from what you described (you've had the "exclusivity talk," you spend a lot of time together, talk on a daily basis, etc. That sounds like a "relationship" to me.)

Could it mean that "there's an extra step" in there for him? It could. And there are important steps within the pre-marriage relationship phase. For him, a major step could be introducing you to his parents, moving in together, even a promise ring. (I have no idea if anyone over 16 does that, I'm just coming up with random ideas. )

Bottom line is, you have to ask him. I'm usually the one to say, "Proceed with caution," but - again, from what you described - I don't really think you have too much to worry about.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #3  January 11,2010, 7:36am

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Has it occured to you that you are just reading too much into his choice of words?
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #4  January 11,2010, 7:41am
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I would expect that a relationship would have to "develop" before the people in it take the step to marriage or some other form of genuinely committed LTR.

Someone, somewhere, not too long ago, mentioned that there is a difference between being "exclusive" and being "committed."
Last edited by Iconography; January 11,2010 at 7:43am. Reason: Oh... and ditto what Jo and Petite said!
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  January 11,2010, 7:43am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Has it occured to you that you are just reading too much into his choice of words?
yes... I thought about that, but I don't think it's a "words" misunderstanding. He mentioned that he wanted to "get into a relationship" several times. I really do think there must be a difference between "dating" and "relationship" to him. Just trying to get some sense of what that might be.Does anyone else view there is a difference? please explain, much appreciated!
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #6  January 11,2010, 8:14am
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Never having dated or had a relationship, I'm probably the last one on these boards who should reply, but I'll reply anyway, because I have a minute:

I do see a difference. "Dating" is the act of two people (mutually attracted or, for a first date, exploring attraction) getting together with some level of romantic intention. If you're "dating" someone, you go to dinner with them, to the movies, take trips, etc. You go on... well... dates.

A "relationship" is deeper. Not necessarily to the extent of marriage, of course, but you are both more deeply involved in each other's lives. A relationship doesn't mean you stop "dating," but just because you're dating doesn't necessarily mean you're in a relationship. And there are degrees of "relationship," which don't necessarily have their own names (or at least not known to me!), though there are "committed" and "exclusive" relationships.

And for beyond that, I'd better step aside for the experienced among us! (They might agree or disagree with me.)
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  January 11,2010, 9:21am
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The way I read his statement is that relationships take time to develop where two people grow closer together over time. Agreeing to be exclusive means you are not dating other people but it does not make a "relationship". A relationship develops more organically over time. So the way I read it, is that he is willing or wants to dedicate the time and energy necessary to develop a relationship. While you seem to be clinging to titles - are we dating, are we bf/gf, are we exclusive, etc. Those titles do not create a relationship by themselves. A relationship is not like instant coffee where you just add water and you are done.

Instead of worrying about titles and over analyzing every single word that comes out of his mouth, maybe you should stop and think about how is your actual relationship? Is he happy? Are you? Do you both meet each others needs? Is your connection growing or has it stopped?

The flip side of the coin is that he said that several times as a heads up to you that he is not happy and perhaps does not feel the connection or that things between you are actually progressing to a bonding relationship beyond just titles.

Bottom line is that it's all just a speculation. Only he knows what he really meant by it. If you want to know, you can ask him to clarify.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  January 11,2010, 9:48am
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DancingFool wrote :
The way I read his statement is that relationships take time to develop where two people grow closer together over time. Agreeing to be exclusive means you are not dating other people but it does not make a "relationship". A relationship develops more organically over time. So the way I read it, is that he is willing or wants to dedicate the time and energy necessary to develop a relationship. While you seem to be clinging to titles - are we dating, are we bf/gf, are we exclusive, etc. Those titles do not create a relationship by themselves. A relationship is not like instant coffee where you just add water and you are done.
This is very helpful indeed!!
BTW - I always find it funny when people say you are "overanalyzing" or "reading too much" into something, etc. Isn't the purpose of these boards to have a safe (or at least semi-safe) environment to pose questions, thoughts or general areas of curuiosity. Because I pose a question about something that I find interesting, I am more interested in getting other's take on it rather than over-analyzing myself. Just something I always find funny when I read posts where people say that.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  January 11,2010, 2:24pm
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I agree with some of the other pposters


being exclusive and being in a relationship are two different things.

Relationships develop over time and isnt a light switch.

Being exclusive meanyou do like the potential but want to see how this develops before calling this a committed relationship. Part of this is wanting to learn more about you to really see if you two mesh. and to find out how the other feels of whether this is something to persue.

:
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  January 11,2010, 2:35pm
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I agree with DancingFool.

In the absence of any contrary data, I would lean toward an intepretation that he will be having sex prior to making any sort of commitments, just as I would.

Also, that he will not date, or attempt to date, others, and will require from you the same, in order to justify the time associated with waiting to see if any feelings develop.

I don't see this as a problem, and I do agree with those who see it as a matter of symantics.
 
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