How do I handle this?


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wellkeptsecret is offline wellkeptsecret Post #1  January 8,2010, 9:42pm
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I have a bit of a dilemma. In November, eHarmony matched me with a very good guy friend. This friend and I had an auspicious start to our relationship. I met him at work and shortly afterwards, he started calling me and inviting me to hang out--often. After about three months of this, I asked him if his interest in me was platonic or romantic but he assured me that he was interested only in companionship (whatever THAT means).

Full disclosure: I completely adore this man. He's the guy I wrote about in my diary when I was 16 years old. I've always been more of an introvert and have generally preferred my own company, but he was the first person who I actually wanted to spend time with--all the time. It seems that he enjoys spending time with me as well--3 years later, he initiates around 90% of our interactions: phone calls, going out to dinner, and spending time together at his home. I rarely initiate contact because I don't trust my motives. I know that I'm interested in him romantically while on his side, this is not the case. I've become comfortable with the situation as it is because I'd rather have him in my life like this than not at all (why do I sound like a hopeless sap?)

Our coworkers aren't aware of our friendship outside of the office and I prefer it that way as he's in a supervisory position. I try to limit our interaction in the office, but early last year it came to my attention that some of our coworkers thought he was "in love" with me. I do get what I consider to be mixed signals from him, but he said he wants to be friends so that's what I'm going to believe.

eHarmony set us up back in November, I know that he viewed my profile and I can only assume that he knows that I viewed his. Yet neither of us has mentioned it to the other.

Is this normal behavior? At the very least, I thought we could joke about it in passing to acknowledge that it happened and get it out of the way, but it feels like the eHarmony match is just hanging over my head. Are guys really that averse to initiating discussions on matters of the heart? Should I just make a passing joke about it just to at least acknowledge the match so I can move past it?

Your input and opinions are much appreciated.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  January 8,2010, 9:56pm
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Wow! You got matched with a friend and neither of you has mentioned it! There must be a lot of tension around the issue.

As you say you pretty much have to take him at his word, that he's "friended" you, in spite of mixed signals. That must be difficult, since you adore him. Have you thought about pulling away from the relationship so either he can come to his senses and understand he's in love, or you can get over him and be free to find someone to love? It must be kind of a daily torture, the way things are.

I don't know how old you are, but you say he is what was your ideal when you were 16. You might consider that your ideal has probably changed.

You could use eH to initiate guided communication and see what he does with that? You could close the match?

Or just bring it up and talk about it, as a joke or otherwise? Good luck!
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #3  January 8,2010, 10:47pm
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Maybe the fact that he has to initiate everything has left him thinking that you're not interested, so he's settling for friendship too rather than mess things up by making a move.
If you like the guy then why not try putting some effort into it rather than sitting around assuming this, that and the other?
 
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wellkeptsecret is offline wellkeptsecret Post #4  January 9,2010, 2:26am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Wow! You got matched with a friend and neither of you has mentioned it! There must be a lot of tension around the issue.

Yes, yes, and YES!

As you say you pretty much have to take him at his word, that he's "friended" you, in spite of mixed signals. That must be difficult, since you adore him. Have you thought about pulling away from the relationship so either he can come to his senses and understand he's in love or you can get over him and be free to find someone to love?

I do try...but I am weak. He's got dimples But seriously, I do attempt to pull back from interacting with him as much but the fact that we work together in a smallish office makes that difficult.

It must be kind of a daily torture, the way things are.
YES!!!!!

I don't know how old you are, but you say he is what was your ideal when you were 16. You might consider that your ideal has probably changed.

For the record, I'm actually in my early 30s now. And my ideal hasn't changed because even when I was 16, I recognized that fundamental things were most important: tenderness, intelligence, sense of humor, etc. (last item on that list was "looks good in plaid shirts" but he even fits that requirement too. See, I still have a sense of humor about it all )

You could use eH to initiate guided communication and see what he does with that? You could close the match?
Awkward...but worth a try

Or just bring it up and talk about it, as a joke or otherwise? Good luck!
Thanks for a well thought out and kind response. You've given me a lot to think about.
 
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wellkeptsecret is offline wellkeptsecret Post #5  January 9,2010, 2:30am
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gothustartus wrote :
Maybe the fact that he has to initiate everything has left him thinking that you're not interested, so he's settling for friendship too rather than mess things up by making a move.
If you like the guy then why not try putting some effort into it rather than sitting around assuming this, that and the other?
Thank you for your response. You're absolutely right.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #6  January 9,2010, 4:09am

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I think you ought to initiate contact with him and let him know how you feel. If you don't want this to slip into the "friend zone", I'd do it now. He probably needs to feel wanted and pursued, too. And to be told how you feel about him. Good luck and keep us posted!
 
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Georgetheman is offline Georgetheman Post #7  January 9,2010, 4:47pm
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PLEASE be frank with him! I have a few female friends who I would date immediately (but not all at once lol, they're roommates) if one of them developed feelings for me. However I would NEVER pursue them again, because we had the "friends" talk.

As the lady, it's up to you in this situation (I think).
 
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JaneyK is offline JaneyK Post #8  January 9,2010, 6:10pm
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First of all you need to be honest with yourself and truly know what YOU want.

Once you know that you need to approach him and tell him exactly how you feel.

Honesty with yourself and everyone else is always the best solution, whether it works out the way you want or not.

You may find real joy or real hurt in the response, but you must do it and stop wasting time waiting for him.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #9  January 9,2010, 10:40pm
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wellkeptsecret wrote :
Are guys really that averse to initiating discussions on matters of the heart?
Not if they're interested. If they're not interested, yes they are adverse to it. Bottom line: nothing new here, he's not interested in you that way.

wellkeptsecret wrote :
Should I just make a passing joke about it just to at least acknowledge the match so I can move past it?
You can if you want, but what would be the purpose of this? What benefit is it to you to do this? He has already told you he doesnt' see you that way, but sees you as a "companion" (which btw, to a male means ~ benefit friend).

I know you feel like you'd 'rather have him this way then not at all", but I don't think that's healthy for you. Because as long as you do, you are secretly hoping he changes his mind and wants to be with you at some point. The problem with that is, if he was going to feel that way, it would have already happened. So it's not going to happen. And the longer you pin your hopes on this guy, the longer you won't be seeing any other guy or other suitors that are trying to get your attention and you are losing all them too.

Why insist on heading into a dead-end direction? Let this guy go, look elsewhere. Give yourself a shot at a full-fledged relationships (which is what deep-down you want ~ to be adored, loved, desired and wanted).

Good luck.
Richey
 
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wellkeptsecret is offline wellkeptsecret Post #10  January 10,2010, 2:17pm
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Georgetheman wrote :
PLEASE be frank with him! I have a few female friends who I would date immediately (but not all at once lol, they're roommates) if one of them developed feelings for me. However I would NEVER pursue them again, because we had the "friends" talk.

As the lady, it's up to you in this situation (I think).
So even though you're into one (or all, LOL!) of them, you wouldn't re-broach the dating issue? I guess that's the boat I'm in as well. I'd love to re-broach the dating issue (glutton for punishment, I guess), but the thought of losing a friendship of this caliber (which in my life is pretty rare), is a terrifying thought to me.

Thanks for your input!
 
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