Healthy new relationship pace?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #1  January 8,2010, 4:15pm
HopelessRomeo's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 34

See profile

Hi all,

Here again to share, and to learn. I am comming to the conclusion that I have developed some co-dependent behaviors since the last time I was in the dating scene. I am glad to have discovered this because I am one to charge into problems and tackle them. I will spare you the details of how it happened, just know that I have identified a few things in me that would be considered codependent traits.

I have dated two ladies recently, and I believe I have probably moved to fast for both of them, and even me! One had poofed, but I had a nice lunch with her today, and the other I have a 2nd date Saturday night with, but she has not returned my call, nor a text today. With her communication has been sporadic, but very positive when she does communicate. I really just wanted to discuss what time we would go out and weather she wanted to meet or have me pick her up nothing heavy.

Can someone spell it out for me? What is a healthy pace is for new dating?

After the first date when to call, write or text next? When to set up next date (how soon)? How much contact is reasonable in the week after a good first date? Why don't women call back? Why do they let text or email sit for days? Should I do the same? Must I play the game?

I am very happy with the women I seem to be able to attract to a first date at least. I am going to deal with the codependent stuff I have developed. Until I get a handle on that I need a simple guide I can follow until my own bearings are reset, so I can make reasonable choices on my own.

When to attempt a first kiss? After first two dates what would a appropriate amount of communication attempts be as to not scare them off? How much of how your feeling is safe to share if any? I previously assumed others would enjoy knowing someone felt they were special, just as I would, but I see now that early on to share things that openly can scare many off. I think part of this, in me, came from being with one person so long, but I can also see it fitting in with some codependent traits too.

I think if I can get through a month at a slow pace I can take it from there. I just sprint at the beginning, and need to know what speed is appropriate =).

I hope to keep the responses to this post on "healthy pace" rather than my issues, as I think I can resolve that on my own. I am just looking for a map to follow till my own is cleared up again.

Is it healthy for ladies to poof then reengage, or not return a call? Are they just playing hard to get? If they are gaming should I just walk away or let em play it out lol?

Thanks,

HR
Last edited by HopelessRomeo; January 8,2010 at 4:17pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 8,2010, 4:40pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,676

See profile

After the first date when to call, write or text next?

Some guys like to check that she "got home safe." (I think this is patronizing, since she may have managed the same daring feet every day for years, if she has a job.) I would write the next day.

When to set up next date (how soon)?

I always do so during the first meeting, and I expect the woman to participate in setting a meeting. Not putting her own ideas out makes me lose interest.

How much contact is reasonable in the week after a good first date?

I don't need any, except as necessary to arrange the next meeting. Women usually write, and I will write back. (Note, that in my case I did not depart her saying something vague, like "I'll be in touch," but a specific time for a next meeting.)

Why do they let text or email sit for days?

They are seeing others, busy with work / school, watching TV, or don't know what to say. Just don't invest more effort in her than she invests in you, or make more than two unreturned communications (and keep up trying to meet others until she states she is not.)

Should I do the same? Must I play the game?

Definitely not. Communicate back when you get her message (consistant with every other priority in your life.)

When to attempt a first kiss?

Sooner, rather than later. If she doesn't want to Kiss you today, what is more time going to acheive?

How much of how your feeling is safe to share if any?

Only what is true and appropriate to the situation. Remember, some women can get multiple dates per week, and have already experienced excess emotion from inexperienced men.

Is it healthy for ladies to poof then reengage, or not return a call?

No. This is drama and emotional problems you don't want down the road. (Make sure your calls are appropriate, though.)

If they are gaming should I just walk away or let em play it out lol?

Set your boundaries and stick to them.
 
  Reply With Quote
peg099 is offline peg099 Post #3  January 8,2010, 4:48pm
peg099's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Sep 2008

Canada

Posts: 12,516

See profile

Honestly, every situation is different because every person is different. What works for one person won't work for another, so really the best approach is to figure out what works for you, and then find someone who is compatible.

And when I say find what works for you, I don't necessarily mean figure it out to an exact schedule. Just figure out what parameters work for you. And then also pay attention to cues from your date as to what works for you. So if you're comfortable with a first kiss anytime after date 2 and don't get too impatient until date 5 or 6, pay attention to feedback from your dates to figure out what 'schedule' would be mutually accceptable. If there's no overlap in what's acceptable, then move on.

Oh, and I wouldn't waste time on people who just poof. They're either not ready to date, or they're playing games. Or they're not interested and don't have the decency to let you know.
 
  Reply With Quote
richey is offline richey Post #4  January 8,2010, 5:02pm
richey's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

san francisco, ca

Posts: 2,764

See profile

Romeo,

Honestly "pacing' is not really a calculation of actual time elapsed. Although that is the only way of "quantifying" it, I think you're off on the wrong tangent here (but not your fault... most people would assume it's time-elapsed).

When somebody says you're too fast or pushing it or backs off cuz you're not at a "healthy pace", it is moreso related to the relationship between what you are doing vs what would be considered reasonable at any point in time.

For instance an extreme example... I am about to have my first date with somebody after speaking on EH (or anywhere for that matter) for a week. We've talked small talk for a week and don't really know each other's pasts, histories, goals in life, etc. That just hasn't come up yet. Hell, I dont' even know what her favorite color or ice cream flavor is! So what do I do for a first date? I bring her a beautiful ring as a gift to her on our first date to let her know how attractive she is and how she's charmed me out of my socks.

BUZZZZ!!!! Unreasonable and "wrong pace." Far too early to do something like that. Now it might be so that she is that attractive, and that she has charmed me out of my boots that much in that week ~ but not really appropriate... see?

So basically, it's probably more so that you come off as a bit too eager or pushy and it's not about time-elapsed. It's more about relaxing, kicking it back, taking it easy, and letting it come naturally rather than semingly trying to push it.

(Didn't you post another post similar to this and I responded to that as well?)

Richey
 
  Reply With Quote
Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #5  January 8,2010, 6:34pm

blames self-help books

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2009

STL

Posts: 4,879

See profile

I will tell you a story that hopefully will explain why there is not time or right time. I was fixed up with this guy and was so not into him. After the one date and I wanted to run he said oh you don't have your kids all weekend I wish I could see you every day. I flipped a nut. What kind of guy thinks a woman would want to spend every day with him after one date.

So I met T and after one date we spent ever day that weekend together. We spent every free moment after that together and neither of us thought there was anything odd or inappropriate about it.

The pace is set by the level of interest that both parties have. If one is on a different page or isn't sure then you are going to have issues. Sadly there are no good markers to figure this out and no calendar or watch is going to help either.

I am sure dude number one thinks I ran because he was moving too quickly. I ran because I just didn't like him or wanted to pursue a relationship. He could have moved at a snails pace and would have never got a second date.
 
  Reply With Quote
HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #6  January 8,2010, 6:36pm
HopelessRomeo's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 34

See profile

richey wrote :
Romeo,

Honestly "pacing' is not really a calculation of actual time elapsed. Although that is the only way of "quantifying" it, I think you're off on the wrong tangent here (but not your fault... most people would assume it's time-elapsed).

When somebody says you're too fast or pushing it or backs off cuz you're not at a "healthy pace", it is moreso related to the relationship between what you are doing vs what would be considered reasonable at any point in time.

For instance an extreme example... I am about to have my first date with somebody after speaking on EH (or anywhere for that matter) for a week. We've talked small talk for a week and don't really know each other's pasts, histories, goals in life, etc. That just hasn't come up yet. Hell, I dont' even know what her favorite color or ice cream flavor is! So what do I do for a first date? I bring her a beautiful ring as a gift to her on our first date to let her know how attractive she is and how she's charmed me out of my socks.

BUZZZZ!!!! Unreasonable and "wrong pace." Far too early to do something like that. Now it might be so that she is that attractive, and that she has charmed me out of my boots that much in that week ~ but not really appropriate... see?

So basically, it's probably more so that you come off as a bit too eager or pushy and it's not about time-elapsed. It's more about relaxing, kicking it back, taking it easy, and letting it come naturally rather than semingly trying to push it.

(Didn't you post another post similar to this and I responded to that as well?)

Richey
Thank you for the advice. I do understand what you are saying, but due to my current mindset "It's more about relaxing, kicking it back, taking it easy, and letting it come naturally rather than semingly trying to push it." is not something I am able to define very well.

That part I will have to work on. While I am getting a handle on that...I was asking for safety zone to guide me till I can rationally follow your above advice. I do not want to quit dating while I deal with the codependent stuff, so I was just looking for some time based safety zones to operate in until I am able to recognize "coming naturally" from my own confused thoughts and emotions. I will get there, just need some opinions as a guide, and not expecting it to be perfect just less likely to make em run for the hills lol.

Yes there is another post but addressing similar issues, but not quite the same.

Thanks all,

HR
 
  Reply With Quote
HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #7  January 8,2010, 6:53pm
HopelessRomeo's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 34

See profile

Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I will tell you a story that hopefully will explain why there is not time or right time. I was fixed up with this guy and was so not into him. After the one date and I wanted to run he said oh you don't have your kids all weekend I wish I could see you every day. I flipped a nut. What kind of guy thinks a woman would want to spend every day with him after one date.

So I met T and after one date we spent ever day that weekend together. We spent every free moment after that together and neither of us thought there was anything odd or inappropriate about it.

The pace is set by the level of interest that both parties have. If one is on a different page or isn't sure then you are going to have issues. Sadly there are no good markers to figure this out and no calendar or watch is going to help either.

I am sure dude number one thinks I ran because he was moving too quickly. I ran because I just didn't like him or wanted to pursue a relationship. He could have moved at a snails pace and would have never got a second date.
I have also experienced relationships such as yours and there is nothing wrong with that. I am however improving myself in multiple ways, and I would like to meet some other types of people since the previous relationships did not go the distance. I have recognized that I have to improve me to improve my future relationships, which hopefully will result in meeting people that may provide a better chance for a lasting relationship...

I am trying to separate the initial chemical reactions in me to stimulating women from who they really are and are they good for me. You see when I meet someone stimulating I can fall fast without ever really knowing them that well. Often they are similar type people, and we end up quickly in love, but not so much in like. Then after we get to know each other we find out that maybe we where not really compatible.

So I am having to resist my instinctual fall fast self, in order to meet slower paced ladies and not run them off. My hope is to, "feel the sparks", but do not let it blind me, or rush me into "love" before I really know the person.

This will also give them a chance to get to know me and then we can start something real if we are compatible.

The fast paced thing can work IF you happen to run into another fast pacer that is also very compatible with you. I so far have not found a fast pacer that was compatible after the honey moon wore off.

I believe by slowing myself down, I can meet and get to know someone before plunging into love, only to have another heart break once we realize we are not compatible.

My Saturday night date did call and soothed my codependent child hah! She was in good spirits, and looking forward to tomorrow night. While I was sitting here thinking oh no another POOF. That is the part I have to heal. I know why its there, and I know how to make it better. Just will take time.

HR
 
  Reply With Quote
goosielucy is offline goosielucy Post #8  January 8,2010, 7:39pm
goosielucy's Avatar

- Aflac

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2010

Canada

Posts: 267

See profile

I recommend you go to a bookstore and buy a book on dating. Or, you can just ask the lady you're dating when she would like you to call or message her and whether you can give her a kiss.
Last edited by goosielucy; January 8,2010 at 7:59pm. Reason: grammar
 
  Reply With Quote
richey is offline richey Post #9  January 9,2010, 12:05am
richey's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

san francisco, ca

Posts: 2,764

See profile

Quite frankly Romeo, I think the answer is to fix the co-dependent stuff before dating again lol. And to step OUT of your comfort zone.

Think of it this way ~ if your co-dependent stuff isn't fixed, doesn't matter who you date ~ it will likely not work out. Now you're back to square 1 and doubting yourself even more. And to be even more frank, to reinforce this, it is most likely your co-dependence that is driving all the things being done that make your dates not work out and drive the "unhealthy pace" you're being told you are doing.

It probably means you're too eager to solidify a relationship instead of letting it evolve naturally. And I know "naturally" is a tough thing to understand right now. As Jo put it, "natural" can be different depending on each couple. Many would look at my current relationship and say we went FAR TOO FAST. But, it was "natural" for us and was right for us. It just fit.

So what can you use as a guide right now? Firstly, focus on fixing your issues before moving onto another "try" at dating ~ this is the best thing you can and will ever do for you (and your future partners). Secondly, no matter what, go a LOT SLOWER than you want to or your instincts tell you too. This doens't just involve "what happens on what date? when do we kiss and when do we have sex?" It also means dont' call as often as you feel like you want to call. Don't ask them out as much as you want to ask them out. Try to think objectively and outside of yoru body rather than how oyur body feels and thinks.

"is it reasonable for a couple who has had 1 date, that went decently well but asn't fireworks, to talk 6X a day and plan a sleep over at a bed n breakfast for a 2nd date?" Probably not. No matter how much you want to.

So put another way... think not what your body/heart desires. Think what makes sense and seems appropriate for the RELATIONSHIP to naturally develop on its own terms. Often times, what's best for the relationship is far slower than what our bodies/heart desire.

Richey
 
  Reply With Quote
richey is offline richey Post #10  January 9,2010, 12:09am
richey's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

san francisco, ca

Posts: 2,764

See profile

Oh! some other things to thnk about that might help.

1. Not all dates/relationsihps are supposed to work out. So it's OKAY for a date or relatoinship to fail! In fact, its' only supposed to work and succeed ONCE! So if you've dated 25 people in your lifetime, you are only supposed to succeed relatoinship wise 1 out of 25 times! so failure is OKAY. Don't FRET failure. Focus more on if it's a good match.

2. If a girl truly likes you, you don't have to contact her 6X/day and solidify the relatoinship in the first 3 days or 10 days, or 3 dates! They WILL stick around if they truly dig you even if you move a bit slower than hoped. (but move faster than hoped, you can lose them).

3. If a girl truly digs you, you don't have to offer them the world constantly and give them everything from day 1 for 24/7 and be there 24/7. The greatest asset you have is a woman's imagination and mind working for you. So let them think about you, miss you a little, and let their imaginations for you make them fall for you.

Hope that helped some too.

Richey
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Amazingly rude after second date | Dating | When should I tell her I'm smitten? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Answering the question: "Why did your previous relationship end?" jayjay Dating 87 November 30,2009 6:33pm
Do you "let yourself go" when in a relationship? eHA_Admin_Lori Relationships 32 November 22,2009 8:47am
She just wants us to be "dating" and not a relationship. secretagent4777 Relationships 21 October 29,2009 2:15pm
Do you have a minimum length of time that you'd wait to date someone who's just left a relationship? KatherineA Dating 20 July 14,2009 1:08pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Come on, just because the guy is old and hasn't dated doesn't make him a toad. Lots of people have divorced and not dated in years due to job, kids, or whatever. You said he seemed nice. Maybe he is ... ” –  Altair

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“No, you have missed the point entirely. (Which is again evidence that raising children is far easier than most things.) Only a tiny fraction of motivated, able people succeed in reaching space. ... ” –  scubaroo

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“You need to try harder ... cus harder is always mo bettah!” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“I went hunting the other day and I bagged a deer.” –  myusernamehere

Join the “Good News” discussion

“Well, I'd start by trying to learn the reason. If he doesn't like "desk jobs," or respect corporations for perceived ethics, then maybe an entreprenurial venture is more his style? If he simply ... ” –  D_Lion

Join the “How to motivate a person?” discussion

“How to be happy with him? Chicks dig firefighters ...” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Ways to motivate him?” discussion

“Hi Suzanne, please see comments below in red. Overall, you seem to be a deep, sensitive and spiritual person. You have interesting hobbies and occupations. Remember there are hundreds and thousands ... ” –  SearchingHoping

Join the “Seeking review of my profile: 52 yr old woman, Pittsburgh area” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:49pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0