Oltes is offline Oltes Post #1  January 8,2010, 1:21pm
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Dear All, at what point do you think you should feel that this person is "the one" for you? Most my friends say - they need to feel a connection right away... in different books it sais: "you will feel it in your bones and you will have no doubts - he is the one" )) well I am still waiting for that
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #2  January 8,2010, 1:46pm
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Dear Oltes,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice and thanks for posting!

Usually the connection many folks "feel" right away is nothing more than lust and is about themselves rather than really knowing the other person.

You see, love takes time to grow and only happens after people really get to know each other which happens best over time as each get to see the other in the worst of times: When the person has had a bad day at work or been fired, when the person has received a traffic ticket, when the person is sick, had financial problems, is sleep deprived, been foreclosed on, and such things as occur in life.

Until you learn these things about each other, you really don't know the other person and what he or she is all about and how he or she responds under duress.

Here's what true love is:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13: 4 - 8, Holy Bible, New International Version

You see, love is not selfish. Love is a conscious choice of the will. It's not about those initial feelings of infatuation with a person that one cannot trust as feelings go up and down and are dependent on hormones, the weather, and all sorts of things that change.

Love is meant to be "'til death do us part." Love is about 97% the very deepest of friendships and only about 3% romance (sex). It takes time to become really good friends with a person.

Love does involve both ingredients of the very deepest of friendships WITH romantic chemistry. There most be chemistry across all four areas: Mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Without all that, it's either friendship, lust, or whatever.

Perhaps our English language would be better served is we had four words for love like the Greek language does - instead of just our one word "love."

So, to answer your question, Oltes, "No, you do not need to feel a connection right away!" Don't fall into that trap or that way of thinking. Emotions can't be trusted as they change too frequently.

Here's a good thing to keep in mind, "Don't marry the man you think you can live with, only marry the man you can't live without." For those who are "literal" learners, it's not meant to be taken that way but, rather, the deeper meaning as, of course, we can "live" without another person.

Keep in mind, too, that love grows over time. After all, how can one love someone he or she doesn't know? Again, that's lust or infatuation, not love.

Don't be too quick to rush into marriage. There's another saying, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure."

It's so much better for one to take his or her time and get to know another for at least one full year, though two or three years if the person is in their teens or early 20's!

Considering that marriage, in God's plan, is designed for a lifetime, and that He designed sex for After marriage and within marriage, it's best for a person to take his or her time in really getting to know a person and not rush into any relationship.

Don't let your friends influence you in this matter as that's Hollywood's way of the "instant" connection and is usually, anything but!

Go the tried and true way of slowing getting to know the person over time and seeing the person in different situations - particularly when he or she is angry, moody, etc.

Write and let us know how you're doing.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; January 8,2010 at 3:01pm.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  January 8,2010, 1:58pm
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That supposed connection right away is basically lust and physical attraction....it is not emotional connection that you truely need for the marriage to last. This emotional connect takes time.

That emotional love is chemistry...not what many believe what chemistry is....they think it is love at first sight.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  January 8,2010, 2:00pm
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In short,...you'll know when you know.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #5  January 8,2010, 4:28pm
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If only I could've been as convincing to a coupe of my earlier EH dates... lol. It's great vindication and confirmation to me to know that I wasn't crazy.... to think they were crazy.... for going through the entire GC and this whole matchign process...

just to say "no thanks" because they "didn't feel chemistry" right off the bat after a first meeting.

How ridiculous. Why even bother with a dating site if that's what their ultimate deal is?

Richey
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #6  January 8,2010, 6:11pm
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richey wrote :
If only I could've been as convincing to a coupe of my earlier EH dates... lol. It's great vindication and confirmation to me to know that I wasn't crazy.... to think they were crazy.... for going through the entire GC and this whole matchign process...

just to say "no thanks" because they "didn't feel chemistry" right off the bat after a first meeting.

How ridiculous. Why even bother with a dating site if that's what their ultimate deal is?

Richey
You know I don't have to be struck by lightning with chemistry on a first date necessarily, but sometimes you just know on a first date that the foundation isn't there and never will be and sometimes you don't because it's fuzzy that way.

I imagine some of the no go on first date guys feel like you about that, and I'm sorry ... but then again, my conscience is clear. I tell the guy as soon as I know it won't work that it just won't.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #7  January 8,2010, 6:45pm
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nightling wrote :
You know I don't have to be struck by lightning with chemistry on a first date necessarily, but sometimes you just know on a first date that the foundation isn't there and never will be and sometimes you don't because it's fuzzy that way.

I imagine some of the no go on first date guys feel like you about that, and I'm sorry ... but then again, my conscience is clear. I tell the guy as soon as I know it won't work that it just won't.
Have to agree with that.

When I was first on eH I had a couple dates do that to me. So I vowed to give everyone at least two chances. After bad experiences with two different women I started to realized the wisdom of going with your gut during/after the first IRL meeting...
 
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loveinthesecondhalf is offline loveinthesecondhalf Post #8  January 8,2010, 7:10pm
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Agreed that the initial attraction is most often sexually based - that is, after all, how we as animals (and biologically speaking, we are part of the mammal species) attract our mates.

However, depending where you are at in your self with respect to confidence, spirituality, emotional health, and knowing who you are and what you want - and being happy and content with where you're at right now - that first sight could actually be more than sexual, the joining of two spirits on every level.

I have never really been fond of the word soul mate to describe a couple. I have many soul mates in my life - great friends and mentors who have impacted my life. Yet it's the best word for this scenario.

When my partner and I first met many years ago, it was exactly that. Sure there was sexual attraction, but it was more - there was a deeper connection that was absolutely immediate and overwhelmingly strong, but we couldn't pursue at the time because the circumstances weren't right.

Now, after all those years we crossed paths again and once again, it was immediate. The sexual attraction is very strong, but our emotional, mental and spiritual connection is even greater. From our first conversation, it was as though we had been together and known each other for lifetimes.

As one poster said, you know when you know. It's absolutely true.

If you're even a bit unsure or questioning yourself, it's probably not.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  January 8,2010, 11:24pm
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Self help/realisation/actualisation books have to be as generic and crowd pleasing as possible to be commercially viable, which can be bl**dy damaging to some people, i've known a few who have worked themselves into terrible emotional states because they don't resonate with a popular psychobabble book, and so end up thinking there must be something wrong with them rather than that they just have a different outlook.
A book can say "In situation X you will feel emotion Y" but that doesn't mean that everyone does, they can grind the authors axe until the cows come home but at the end of the day it's just an opinion that's valid for some people and not for others.
You might feel thunderbolts of recognition when you meet the one, the realisation might creep up on you slowly as you get to know each other, or you might never realise it at all, about all i can really say on that subject is just be open to it, so that if and when it comes you'll be receptive to it.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  January 8,2010, 11:37pm
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nightling wrote :
You know I don't have to be struck by lightning with chemistry on a first date necessarily, but sometimes you just know on a first date that the foundation isn't there and never will be and sometimes you don't because it's fuzzy that way.
Well I"m just curious. If the "foundation" isn't there, then how did there end up being a first date after all the GC and OC and emails and great phone calls? So that doesn't make sense to me either. There are pictures, even additionally sent pictures, etc.

If there was no "foundation" or "chemistry" woudlnt' it have been obvious in emails or phone calls before agreeing to a first date?

Or how about the situation where the person admits there is quite an attraction to your personality, that the phone calls were great, and you do nothing but laugh for 2 hrs on the phone a few nights in a row......

now you get to the first date and "sorry.. didnt' feel any chemistry.... thanks."

?

Sorry.. still not buying it. Something is being misrepresented or somebody is not being truthful about all these things in their profiles, the communications, etc.

Richey
 
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