Star_Girl is offline Star_Girl Post #1  January 7,2010, 9:15pm
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I tried posting this before and I don't see my post, so here goes again...

I became interested in a new guy who comes to a once a week get together; he started coming at least a month ago, maybe before then. Anyways, we sent each other some random emails and then a couple weeks ago, he came over to visit me one night. One thing led to another and we got a little physical (we didn't sleep together, just some making out), which was neither of our intent (at least it wasn't mine and he said it wasn't his). After all that, he said that he likes me (and I said I liked him) but he feels that because we got physical he can't trust himself around me and doesn't feel he can be in a relationship. Not only that, but he says he has some past stuff to work out and some things that he wants to work on. He said that he would email me the next day and let me know if we would just see each other at the once a week group, or if we could get together at other times to get to know each other more.

I never heard back. The first get together a couple of weeks ago was akward. The last one though he was engaging once again and even sent emails to me and a friend about something we had been talking about. I responded and added some questions about next group plans (nothing personal). He responded once and then not again after I had.

I have asked advice. Some people say I should email him back and ask him if he has an answer for me. Others say he is not worth it and just leave it alone. I don't want to be clingy or pushy. But I also want him to follow through and to know where things stand with him. Do I just leave it alone and see him in the group setting? By his not responding does that mean that he is not interested? By him still attending the same group with me I feel that he was being honest with me...but I can't understand why he didn't follow up with me.

Do I just assume that this means he only wants to talk in the group? Do I just let it go and see if he ever makes another move to get to know me? I just want to know. But on the other hand, what will knowing help me? Is this guy just not interested and is he just not worth it?
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #2  January 7,2010, 9:29pm
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i'd leave him alone. that would be the compassionate thing to do. maybe he's an addict of some sort and it's all part of his recovery plan or something. he's got issues in any case.
 
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Petite76 is offline Petite76 Post #3  January 7,2010, 9:52pm
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Star_Girl wrote :
After all that, he said that he likes me (and I said I liked him) but he feels that because we got physical he can't trust himself around me and doesn't feel he can be in a relationship. Not only that, but he says he has some past stuff to work out and some things that he wants to work on.
Even though the first part of his explanation doesn't make too much sense to me (if he'd said, "I've lost some respect for you because you gave in too soon," that would have,) in the second part (about having past and present issues he needs to work on,) if I'm quite right, he pretty much told you that he wasn't in a place where he wanted to pursue this budding friendship/relationship with you. What the reason is (whether he was just making up excuses or not,) I don't think it matters.

Friendly emails, actually responding to your emails every now and then - I do that with a lot of people I have completely superficial contact with.

I think you should appreciate the fact that he did tell you he didn't want to pursue anything serious with you (it's often useful to listen to what people actually say instead of trying to make ourselves see things that aren't there - and I'm not being sarcastic,) and just move on.

Good luck!
 
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Star_Girl is offline Star_Girl Post #4  January 7,2010, 10:23pm
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I guess why it is hard for me is because he said that he would think about it and then let me know. He said that he had some concerns, but that he needed to think about it. In the end what gets me is that I want him to follow through and at least say no. Especially since I see him once a week. I mean if it were me....I would follow through on something. And especially if I saw the person every week. It just seems to be the right thing to do. That's what gets me.

It's just irritating and confusing.
 
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Petite76 is offline Petite76 Post #5  January 7,2010, 10:37pm
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Star_Girl wrote :
I guess why it is hard for me is because he said that he would think about it and then let me know. He said that he had some concerns, but that he needed to think about it. In the end what gets me is that I want him to follow through and at least say no. Especially since I see him once a week. I mean if it were me....I would follow through on something. And especially if I saw the person every week. It just seems to be the right thing to do. That's what gets me.

It's just irritating and confusing.
Irritating, I understand. And I completely agree with you that giving you a straight answer would be "the right thing to do." Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world. Someone once told me, "Don't expect others to do what you would do; you'll save yourself a lot of disappointment." Easier said than done, I know, but nevertheless true.

I don't really understand what someone would need to take the time to think about after a first date. Honestly, it sounds like an excuse to me.

I don't know how old you are and how much dating experience you've had, but sometimes we just need to suck it up and move on. From what you told us, this seems to be one of those instances.

Now, of course, you can just straight up ask him. Would it come off as clingy and/or demanding, maybe even a little desperate? Most likely, since you guys don't have a history/actual relationship. Besides, you might get the same response about him being unsure and needing time.
Weigh your options and good luck with whichever way you decide to proceed.
Last edited by Petite76; January 7,2010 at 10:41pm. Reason: It's late and I can't spell anymore
 
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richey is offline richey Post #6  January 8,2010, 4:39pm
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Star_Girl wrote :
By him still attending the same group with me I feel that he was being honest with me...
This would be a bad thing to assume as I don't believe one has to do with the other. Especially when you consider somebody who has already proved to be flaky, weird, incoherent, and not trustworthy nor reliable.

What you have to understand when you deal with somebody who's "not making sense" is ~ you can't try to explain his behavior or predict his behavior based on what you would do or not (aka "if it were me... I would have followed through"). Why? Becuase these people don't think like us. They obviously are OKAY with not following through, not being reliable, not being reasonable. So.. anything goes with them.

As for the situation specifically ~ I'd let it go, let him go. He was horny and came by to get a little with you, then suddenly explains he has a lot of issues and doesn't "trust" the situation anymore AFTER GETTING IT! Then disappears.

Now I ask you ~ why would you want to date or be with such a man or even spend another second of energy wondering about him and putting yourself in a position where oyu "need" and "want" anything from him? does it really matter if he follows through or not? SHOULD IT matter?

It really shouldn't. You should have seen too many red flags already and RUN from this situation without the need of him following through or providing closure for you.

Richey
 
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