Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #1  January 7,2010, 11:32am

blames self-help books

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activeteacher wrote :
Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I will always error with honesty. "Hey I really enjoy your company. I am new to dating so if I do anything you are uncomfortable with please bring it to my attention. I would hate to freak out because I am nervous and do something stupid." You would be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn't freaked out and blown up a relationship, she would understand these words
That statement is worthy of a thread as long as the one about where did the real men go! Seriously!
I am always one to take requests. When I look at all those how to spot the players threads I wonder if this statement would be believed. Sad if this would get a guy labeled a player since most of us have felt the same way.

Have so many reached a point where they distrust the very words that could have come out of their own mouths?

I remember a conversation with a gentleman I was dating. He was very much a rule/game player. I had said something and he said he didn't believe it. I said I never lie. Why should I belive you don't lie? Because I told you I don't. But how do I know you arn't lying about that? Have I ever lied to you? I don't know. So in the absence of proof of truth or lie you error on the side of lie?

How exactly is one to ever get to know another when you assume everything they say is a lie until you are hit over the head with the truth? Maybe we should have eTrials instead of eHa. We can call witnesses, have a jury, hell lets get Judge Judy in on it.
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; January 7,2010 at 11:37am.
 
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Georgetheman is offline Georgetheman Post #2  January 7,2010, 11:41am
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I take people at their word. I'm starting to learn, but for me it's just simpler not to second-guess people. It may bring pain (sometimes it does), but it's better than not putting my trust in people. This goes way beyond dating.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #3  January 7,2010, 12:59pm
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Early on in correspondence with my long-distance match, I told him that I don't play head games, am honest and usually pretty straightforward, and, because we're long-distance and getting to know each other, will be completely open. He returned the favor. It's in my nature and it seems to be no less in his as well. It has caused pain (we've already had one "breakup"--it was his fault, though ), but in working through the issue we were both even more honest with each other. This has deepened our mutual respect and friendship.

(There is no telling what it will do to any relationship that springs out of that friendship, or doesn't.)
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  January 7,2010, 1:05pm
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"I'd rather go through life trusting my friends and occasionally get betrayed, than go through life not trusting my friends."

Don't know who said that. Seems like a good way to live a free and happy life, with some sorrow thrown in.
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #5  January 7,2010, 1:12pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Have so many reached a point where they distrust the very words that could have come out of their own mouths?
If by this you mean the reactions I get, all the bleeping time. *I* know what I mean, but when it comes out in words, often enough the other person is getting a completely different message (if they get one at all). Good communication, to me, is where we both understand each other’s position. Because what I get misunderstood often, I tend to be rather wordy when I want to get a point across, hoping that somewhere in this shotgun blast of information something will stick. *grin*

I have said things to that effect before, early in a relationship. Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t understand them? That seems to end a lot of relationships. Better to make sure we’re on the same page. Better to speak up when you have no idea what the other person means when they say that. Because having someone that truly ‘gets’ you is one of the best things about a relationship. *grin*
 
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richey is offline richey Post #6  January 7,2010, 1:52pm
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ixnay on JUDGE UDYJAY!!!!! The only daytime judge I ever trusted was Judge Wapner. I think the most interesting/objective judge besides that would be Judge Mills Lane (the boxing referee judge)

Anyhow, unfortunately... I think it has come to that these days what with so many people misrepresenting themsevles and lying. So ya, I tend to not believe so much the people that make outright claims about themselves anymore, but rather find that the people that don't need to outright say it, are usually the more trustworthy ones.

It's kind of a shame it's come to this ~ but we are animals of conditioning in the end.

Richey
 
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FirstStepMan is offline FirstStepMan Post #7  January 7,2010, 2:04pm
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The best policy is to just tell the truth and expect the same from them. If you find a conflicting story, just ask. Sometimes it is just a misunderstanding. It takes time to understand how some people communicate. If it doesnt make sense after their response or a pattern develops, then its time to move on.

I was going to meet a date and we marked our schedules. However there were a few assumptions that my match didnt communicate with me that caused a problem later on logistics. It was the ol, "well I assumed". Make your best effort to be straight forward and that all is understood. It may be nothing, but it may also be a sign of a pattern that will develop.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  January 7,2010, 2:14pm
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I will trust dating partners most of the time, but I don't ask questions which might tempt someone to lie, and I don't put myself in a situation where I am vulnerable to loss due to their lying.

In my experience, the only thing people can be trusted with, is to act in their own interest.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  January 7,2010, 2:22pm
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..
Last edited by D_Lion; January 7,2010 at 3:11pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  January 7,2010, 3:04pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I am always one to take requests. When I look at all those how to spot the players threads I wonder if this statement would be believed. Sad if this would get a guy labeled a player since most of us have felt the same way.

Have so many reached a point where they distrust the very words that could have come out of their own mouths?

I remember a conversation with a gentleman I was dating. He was very much a rule/game player. I had said something and he said he didn't believe it. I said I never lie. Why should I belive you don't lie? Because I told you I don't. But how do I know you arn't lying about that? Have I ever lied to you? I don't know. So in the absence of proof of truth or lie you error on the side of lie?

How exactly is one to ever get to know another when you assume everything they say is a lie until you are hit over the head with the truth? Maybe we should have eTrials instead of eHa. We can call witnesses, have a jury, hell lets get Judge Judy in on it.
That's easy for me.....I wouldn't even bother getting to know someone who assumes everything I say is a lie. Talk about issues.
 
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