When should I tell her I'm smitten?


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GI_Fred is offline GI_Fred Post #1  January 7,2010, 6:38am
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I've been seeing a woman sporadically over the last several months. We each have busy careers - she's a nurse and I'm a teacher - and we don't live in the same city (different states actually but only 30 minute drive). We meet up every week or two for a movie or dinner or something similar. We communicate frequently. Early on, I asked what she was thinking and she answered that she wanted to keep seeing me but asked to "take it slow". So nothing physical has happened between us yet. However, from my perspective, I am totally smitten with her and have been since pretty much the first moment we met. She's the total package and every time I see her my feelings are increased that much more. It's hard to concentrate on anything but her. My problem is that I want to tell her exactly how I feel. I haven't as of yet (though I've hinted at it) because I'm concerned about scaring her away. She did want to take it slow and if I lay it on too thick she could head for the hills. Any advice?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  January 7,2010, 7:01am
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A very good question and very difficult to answer. Since she has said that she wants to go slow you need to choose your words carefully but affirm how proud and excited you are to be with her.

As an aside you are only a 30 minute drive apart. I don't know what you teach or where or what kind of nurse she is but if you can't find time to meet at least once a week then one or both of you are too busy to be dating at all. If I am interested in someone I will make time to be with them. You cannot build a relationship any way except in person.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  January 7,2010, 7:08am
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At some point in every single relationship you have to bite the bullet and have a conversation about where things are and where things are going. Better that than sitting in limbo wasting your time developing feelings for someone who may not reciprocate.

In your particular case, did she ever give you a reason for why take things slow and did she ever define for you what taking it slow means to her? If not, it's a good place to start. Ask for some clarification and see what she tells you.

From what you describe, hanging out for several months as just pals is a really long time (and I'm pretty conservative myself when it comes to that). Are you actually dating or are you just a guy pal whose company she enjoys? I think before you go telling her about how you feel, you should find out where you stand in her mind relationship wise and where does she see things going from here if at all. Her response will tell you volumes without scaring her off by you piling anything. You'll either get the green light to proceed or the red light that perhaps you need to move away and move on.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  January 7,2010, 7:17am
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The 'taking it slow' cliche means she doesn't see things the way you're seeing them. So you're making a mistake by allowing yourself to be smitten let alone telling her that. After several months things should have picked up quite a bit if there was to be a relationship, and since it hasn't, I'd be moving on.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #5  January 7,2010, 7:40am
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I am going to have to agree, several months and nothing has developed past where they are and I would be concerned. You have three choices (or at least that is how I see it).

1. Confront her, find out where you stand, don't confess anything just ask for answers and find out what taking it slow means and just get straight answers.

2. Confess your feelings and risk being rejected.

3. If you enjoy her company and don't mind the fact that you might be rejected down the road than keep seeing her and see what happens.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  January 7,2010, 7:49am

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tweet37 wrote :
The 'taking it slow' cliche means she doesn't see things the way you're seeing them. So you're making a mistake by allowing yourself to be smitten let alone telling her that. After several months things should have picked up quite a bit if there was to be a relationship, and since it hasn't, I'd be moving on.
I agree with this but the other possibility is that by "taking it slow" she doesn't have to decide where this is going. You need to explain your feelings so that she has the chance to decide where the relationship is going. Tweet is correct by now there should be a change. If she bails there is no real loss.
 
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Mickey275 is offline Mickey275 Post #7  January 7,2010, 8:04am
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Ugh. Sounds like you're in the Friend Zone or she's playing you. Some women like to keep a guy around so they can have someone to hang out with when they're lonely or need an ego boost. 30 minutes is not that far away. You guys should be seeing each other much more often and it should have gotten physical by now. You have every right to ask her "What's up?" I've been in similar situations, and believe me, you don't want to waste your time hanging around a person who has no interest in you as a romantic partner, boyfriend, or whatever. The longer you let the situation continue in its present state, the harder you'll kick yourself later on.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #8  January 7,2010, 10:29am
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Assuming you want to be a relationship with a women you are smitten with who is also smitten with you, there is really only one good option here. Tell her how you feel. Either she won't feel the same way, or she will. If she continues to want to "take it slow" after several months, she is not smitten with you. Either way you will know and be that much further toward dating a woman who is smitten with you.
 
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goosielucy is offline goosielucy Post #9  January 7,2010, 11:31am
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Sometimes it can be slow and steady wins the race. However, if you find yourself kind of bursting with feeling when you are around her, it is understandable you want to say something.

I don't see any harm or damage to be done if you explain your feelings are increasing towards her and you would like her to know that. Explain you are willing to take your time and respect her pace, though would like some feedback from her on where she is at in terms of affection for you. It could be she is feeling just as strongly and doesn't know how to communicate it or that she just needs more time to develop her feelings. Sounds like she is enjoying her time with you and that you enjoy being together.

I hope it continues to go well.
Last edited by goosielucy; January 7,2010 at 11:56am.
 
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HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #10  January 7,2010, 6:09pm
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I am not exactly the best person to give advice but you need to let her know how you feel. If she is going to like you she would by now. She could be having the same fears about moving forward that you are. If she rejects you then you can move on to find someone who can reciprocate your feelings.

Tell her in person though, not in a letter or phone etc...

Good Luck.
 
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