I thought we were exclusive...now not communicating...how long do I wait?


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RocklinGirl82 is offline RocklinGirl82 Post #1  January 6,2010, 4:35pm
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I was matched with a guy on this site at the beginning of December, and he was local so we decided to go out together (before talking on the phone or online at all really). Met, really liked each other, talked and talked, had many things in common...and later did some kissing on the first date. Got together again a couple days later, and several times over the next three weeks. Met his family, and he met mine...everything was good & seemed to be going great. Made plans to spend new years together (at his family's house), and spent time that night & the next morning talking more, thought we were getting closer.

Anyways...said goodbyes Friday night, thanked him for the best new years ever :-) I was out of town the next night & got his usual after-work text and everything seemed fine.

Then nothing for the next three nights, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday (which is unusual for him, he used to call/text at least once a day before this).

Finally sent him a friendly (non-threatening) text saying hi, how's it going. He replied friendly enough, and we exchanged some friendly texts, but no word as to why no communication. So now I'm confused...and worried, and sad.
I was so hopeful, but now don't know what to think...should I text again if he doesn't get back to me after a couple more days? He did say he would attend my church this weekend, but we talked about that over a week ago.

My question is how long should I wait around? Has he gone POOF? I hardly think so because he responded to my texts....but maybe just being "nice?" Or if I should contact him again & see what's up....is 3 days of silence unusual?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  January 6,2010, 5:45pm
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There are several things going on in your post.

First is in your title. You indicate that you thought you were exclusive. You are only exclusive when you have discussed being exclusive and you BOTH agree that is what you both want. I see nothing that indicates that you ever discussed being exclusive.

If you have always communicated every day then three days of no communication is an indication that there is a cooling of interest unless there is a good explanation as to the lack of communication.

Then I am seeing you as being incredibly naive for a 27 year old. I suspect that there is a lot of things going on here that you have not told us about.

As for contacting him again if he does not respond. Unless I am very, very interested in someone I will not call or e-mail a second time if they fail to respond. If my match does not have the common courtesy to respond in a timely manner then I take that as an indication that they are not interested or possibly playing games. In either case they are not for me so I just move on.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  January 6,2010, 5:51pm
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What?!

This sounds great, and just right.

There is no reason to "text" every day - he is adapting to a relationship, and a normal pattern of behavior.

He replied to your message, right? He never left you hanging, right?

I see no sign to worry.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  January 6,2010, 6:12pm
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RocklinGirl82 wrote :
Finally sent him a friendly (non-threatening) text saying hi, how's it going. He replied friendly enough, and we exchanged some friendly texts, but no word as to why no communication. So now I'm confused...and worried, and sad.
So you're asking us this instead of him??
 
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Petite76 is offline Petite76 Post #5  January 6,2010, 6:13pm
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I second pretty much everything that Gr8Guyn2008 said. I'd definitely like to remind you of the first point he made: until you discuss that being exclusive is the way to go for both of you, you shouldn't assume that you are.

You guys seem to have had a very intense first month of dating; I personally prefer a more relaxed approach, but since that's not what happened in your case and an obvious pattern of communicating every single day was established, I agree that three days of nothing might seem strange. It just doesn't fit his behavior.

Now, of course, we can come up with all kinds of possible explanations. Yes, it's possible that he's losing interest. He may also need some "space," which is oftentimes an excuse, but for a lot of people that's just what it is; the relationship got very intense very early on, and he may suddenly feel like he needs a little time away from all that intensity to make a decision about which way to go from here. He may have something going on in his life that he doesn't wanna tell you about (yet.)
And I could go on, but these are nothing more than uneducated guesses. Only he knows what's really going on. If you're terribly upset (which you sound like) and - like Gr8Guyn2008 said - really like this guy, you can try and find out the real reason by asking him about it. With that, though, you certainly risk a few things. You might not get the answer what you want to hear. Also, depending on where he really is as far as your relationship's concerned, he might find this kind of behavior a turn off and think that you're clingy.
Weigh your options.

I hope that whatever is going on, you'll soon find out about it. Not knowing can be truly heart breaking.

Good luck!
 
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RocklinGirl82 is offline RocklinGirl82 Post #6  January 6,2010, 9:55pm
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Ok...to clear a couple things up. He asked me on the second date if I would be exclusive, and I agreed to it. We confirmed this later the same week, when I needed clarification to what we said earlier.

And yes, I totally agree with me being naive for a 27 year old. I am fairly new to the world of online dating, and honestly, have never had a BF until this year (for a multitude of different reasons).

Anyway, yes, three days of not communicating is not normal for him, thus I am worried he is no longer interested. But then when I sent the friendly text last night he replied soon enough, and was friendly I guess. It's just so unlike what I've experienced with him before.

Just sent another text, checking on plans we made for this Sunday. I guess whether or not he responds to that will tell me for sure.

As I have said before (and talked about with him when we were talking about being exclusive), I would rather have a straight & friendly "no, sorry, just not working" than a long drawn out non-communicating thing that just really hurts. I know that is not most guys style, but I think it's only fair to request that.
 
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Petite76 is offline Petite76 Post #7  January 7,2010, 5:44am
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RocklinGirl82 wrote :
Just sent another text, checking on plans we made for this Sunday. I guess whether or not he responds to that will tell me for sure.
Just food for thought: you might wanna consider calling him instead of texting (or I should say you might have.) Texting is one of the most non-personal ways of communicating.

RocklinGirl82 wrote :
As I have said before (and talked about with him when we were talking about being exclusive), I would rather have a straight & friendly "no, sorry, just not working" than a long drawn out non-communicating thing that just really hurts. I know that is not most guys style, but I think it's only fair to request that.
I completely agree with you, except for this being "most guys' style" or not. Breaking up with someone when that person hasn't really done you wrong is hard for everyone. But however hard it is to hear those parting words, too, I'm with you that it's still better than not knowing.

Let us know how it goes.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  January 7,2010, 6:02am
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RocklinGirl82 wrote :
Just sent another text, checking on plans we made for this Sunday. I guess whether or not he responds to that will tell me for sure.
Petite76 wrote :
Just food for thought: you might wanna consider calling him instead of texting (or I should say you might have.) Texting is one of the most non-personal ways of communicating.
Forget the "might wanna" stuff. You should call him. Texting is the most non-personal way of communicating.
 
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Petite76 is offline Petite76 Post #9  January 7,2010, 6:40am
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tweet37 wrote :
Forget the "might wanna" stuff. You should call him. Texting is the most non-personal way of communicating.
You're right.
 
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dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #10  January 7,2010, 7:08am
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3rd what everyone else said. The older we get, the less time we have, the more space and balance we need in our lives. No matter how much you squeezed into a short time, it's still a short time.

If the same guy, sat down next to you at a bus stop and told you everything about his life, you shared some wine and good laughs, his friends and family dropped by to say hello -- all in a matter of 24 intense hours -- and he asked you to be exclusive, would you?

On the other hand, if you saw the same guy 1 hour a week at some fun class for 24 weeks (which is almost 6 months) and chat for just 15 minutes each time. And same thing happens, a little alcohol and laughter, his friends and family dropped by, and THEN he asks you to be exclusive after 6 months -- you're probably more likely to agree, right?

Took me a while to figure this out too. You may be a sweetheart, but other people might have more barriers up than you. So just keep busy with your life to the point where you hardly notice the days gone by without him. If he keeps coming back to you, then you *might* be on your way to exclusivity.

Remember, exclusivity implies routine. And at this point, neither of you really have enough information about each other to follow through with a routine. So until you have a routine together, it's play it by ear every time. And that's exactly what he's doing, until he finds a comfort zone in how frequently you two shuld interact with each other.
 
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