Seemingly sweet guy pulls a crappy move


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valencia is offline valencia Post #1  January 6,2010, 3:16pm
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SO, I am stuck doing long distance relationships as my choices are limited where I live. So met one who seemed to be Mr. Perfect....said, all the right things, planned for the future and even helped me look jobs near him- all the things that the long distance advice books say to look for

However, little things didn't add up such as he doesn't keep promises whether something simple to something important. When we go to discuss issues, he is the first to admit he is wrong, apologize profusely and asks for us to move ahead and not reflect on the past (no known issues with cheating, just other everyday promises).

The part that bothered me is that I realized he uses the admission of guilt as a tactic to keep control as it forestalls any argument...after all, if he messes up and apologizes and says he won't do it again isn't the problem fixed? For me, the problem wasn't fixed as he really never changed..when I called him on it, I got the age old- "you do not believe in me", or "you need to have faith in me".

It has reached the point where I simply stopped calling and have moved on, but recently, as I overheard a young woman at a party in conversation with her BF, it seemed like a similar argument- he was so sorry while she kept saying that she was sorry of the apologies. Thus I began to wonder, is this the new ploy of men to keep control or was I just out of the loop??
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 6,2010, 3:30pm
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What kind of promises?

If he promised not to do something he shouldn't be doing anyway, and did it, then there's a big concern - that's a character flaw.

If he forgot something trivial, like to call you at 8:00 on Tuesday, then personally I would not care and simply make the call yourself.

If it's important but not a matter of character, like paying a bill late, then I would look toward trying a technical solution, like keeping a file.

I forget things all the time. It's never a ploy.

***

Note that your idea of "a tactic to forstall argument" is in my view flawed.

I demand that people keep their commitments precisely, yet I never argue.
Last edited by D_Lion; January 6,2010 at 3:33pm.
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #3  January 6,2010, 3:51pm
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valencia wrote :
SO, I am stuck doing long distance relationships as my choices are limited where I live. So met one who seemed to be Mr. Perfect....said, all the right things, planned for the future and even helped me look jobs near him- all the things that the long distance advice books say to look for

However, little things didn't add up such as he doesn't keep promises whether something simple to something important. When we go to discuss issues, he is the first to admit he is wrong, apologize profusely and asks for us to move ahead and not reflect on the past (no known issues with cheating, just other everyday promises).

The part that bothered me is that I realized he uses the admission of guilt as a tactic to keep control as it forestalls any argument...after all, if he messes up and apologizes and says he won't do it again isn't the problem fixed? For me, the problem wasn't fixed as he really never changed..when I called him on it, I got the age old- "you do not believe in me", or "you need to have faith in me".

It has reached the point where I simply stopped calling and have moved on, but recently, as I overheard a young woman at a party in conversation with her BF, it seemed like a similar argument- he was so sorry while she kept saying that she was sorry of the apologies. Thus I began to wonder, is this the new ploy of men to keep control or was I just out of the loop??
Nah, this trick is the oldest in the book. Promise everything and do nothing. I used the tactic growing up, such as " yeah mom, I'll clean my room in a minute as soon as I'm done with my homework." I also use the technique now for annoying bosses, such as " Yes sir, I will get to that in a minute."

Okay before you start calling me immature, I only use this technique with people that nag and won't take no for an answer, it helps get the person to stop nagging for awhile. So...are you nagging your boyfriend? Nagging doesn't work, that's when the empty promises start. Same goes for the apologies,,,they buy time. Decide if you want this guy or not. Either accept his apology or kick him to the curb, I'm not even a guy and I use the apology technique, but only for people who won't listen other wise.
Good luck.
 
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valencia is offline valencia Post #4  January 6,2010, 4:19pm
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Okay before you start calling me immature, I only use this technique with people that nag and won't take no for an answer, it helps get the person to stop nagging for awhile. So...are you nagging your boyfriend? Nagging doesn't work, that's when the empty promises start. Same goes for the apologies,,,they buy time. Decide if you want this guy or not. Either accept his apology or kick him to the curb, I'm not even a guy and I use the apology technique, but only for people who won't listen other wise.
Good luck.[/quote]

That's just it I am not a nagger, as a matter of fact, it is one of the qualities he said he liked. He is more likely to say that I should call more often, but the thing is I have never been one to crowd out a partner. Once a day is fine by me and if he is busy, I can understand then today's a miss and tommorrow will do...

However by promises I do mean sometimes that I will call and he promises to call back in a minute and then he disappears for a day or two days; the explanation that he had a migraine. Or it could be that he says he is coming to visit on a Friday which was a holiday weekend in my country (mind you it takes planning for a overseas trip!) and then he doesn't call back until Sunday to say sorry that he couldn't come (happened more than once). Promises also include meeting up in Atlanta for a December trip I had there, but he bailed as well...

He will offer to pay for stuff that I have not asked for him to pay for- such as asking how much was your phone bill (given how much we talk). I have never complained about the bill, and thought -Oh! what a sweet gesture, but as it turns out, the promise never materialized.

I have moved on, but I just wondered what the heck?

The contrary thing is that once it is a regular day with no promises to fulfil, he is the most attentive and caring (sounding partner). The minute he makes a plan or promise with me, that's the time problems arise- by problems I mean he disappears and always has an excuse.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 6,2010, 4:26pm
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Now that you've explained more...that's a pretty serious character flaw. Making plans to meet, promising to call and then disappearing for days and resurfacing with some lame excuse for why he did that is unacceptable behavior and definitely not normal for most people.

You're right to move on and don't waste another thought on this guy. The being sweet while you are with him was nothing more than a great phony act that worked at least for awhile since you did date him. Chalk it up to one of those crazy things in life that you come across and move on.
 
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Contango is offline Contango Post #6  January 6,2010, 4:44pm
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You did the right thing, reading more of the details. Those are pretty big things he expects you to swallow with an "I'm sorry". A big red flag was his promising to come here then just not showing up-that would have torn it for me right there.
 
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valencia is offline valencia Post #7  January 6,2010, 4:45pm
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DancingFool wrote :
You're right to move on and don't waste another thought on this guy. The being sweet while you are with him was nothing more than a great phony act that worked at least for awhile since you did date him. Chalk it up to one of those crazy things in life that you come across and move on.
How do I ever continue on the path of long distance dating which is seeming like my only option on this island of mine! Trust is becoming more of an issue for which in my 30+ years it has never been....
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #8  January 6,2010, 4:50pm
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Maybe it is a new ploy of some men to keep control, but only for the women who are willing to accept that treatment.

If that woman had dumped her BF soon after he broke his promises, you would not have heard that argument.
 
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valencia is offline valencia Post #9  January 6,2010, 4:52pm
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Contango wrote :
You did the right thing, reading more of the details. Those are pretty big things he expects you to swallow with an "I'm sorry". A big red flag was his promising to come here then just not showing up-that would have torn it for me right there.

Ahhh...but my family has it that I need to be more accomodating in a relationship and so this was my first relationship trying to be so accommodating and look how that turned out...

The first time he ditched, I said okay, plans change, but the second and third time, I kind of knew what to do but wanted to prove that I could be understanding and accommodating...boy, this sure showed me!

I guess you are not too old to learn! Oh, well, good thing that I now have other prospects but darn if they aren't all long distance!!
 
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Contango is offline Contango Post #10  January 6,2010, 4:56pm
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valencia wrote :
How do I ever continue on the path of long distance dating which is seeming like my only option on this island of mine! Trust is becoming more of an issue for which in my 30+ years it has never been....
If that's the path before you, you'll just have to roll with it and try not to let the past color the future. But, I would advise you in any long distance thing to use this experience and be very cautious. Also, for goodness sake don't settle for being treated with less respect from a long distance than you'd take from someone who is in the next town!
 
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