Shouldn't the "New Daddy" thing wait?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  January 6,2010, 8:03am
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Okay, I've been reading a few posts, and very surprised at how people (or at least how it appears) think about introducing someone you're dating to your kids. I was thinking it would at least be about a year (or close around that) before anyone I'm dating meets my kids... but that seems to be a big, "No, no" from everyone !!

I don't want to confuse the kids, I do want to make sure that the person I'm dating is going to stick around for the long-term and that it is serious before I introduce him to my kids. How has this worked for other people !!

I wouldn't want my ex introducing every new girl that he is dating to the kids, so I am also wanting to be respectful of that and not a hypocrite.

Does anyone think waiting is good? Or, is this an "old school" way of thinking?
 
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qt_py is offline qt_py Post #2  January 6,2010, 8:54am

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So... instead of letting your kids meet your b/f sooner and explaining who this person you bring into the house is... you want them to think that you have a secret part time lover?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  January 6,2010, 8:57am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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You'd certainly want to make sure someone you're dating isn't a dangerous person before you introduce them to your kids. However, I would think that people introduce their friends (male and female) before having known them a year, so I don't see what the big deal about introducing a 'date' would be.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #4  January 6,2010, 9:02am
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I think you should wait til the relationship is serious, especially if the kids are young. Less explaining to do.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #5  January 6,2010, 9:27am

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I can only speak from my experience, but my fiance introduced me to his kids on our fourth date. We went to his daughter's concert and I also met his son that day. The next time I saw his son, he stayed in the truck with me while his dad washed it. He doesn't usually do that sort of thing with strangers. I've had a great relationship with both kids right from the start. My fiance told his kids about me before he introduced me, but they knew that he wouldn't continue with me if they were unhappy. He had tried dating a couple of other women before he met me and both times the kids voiced concerns. They haven't gone to him with anything negative about me. On the contrary, they are really excited about the wedding and often comment on how happy their dad is. It's been quite amazing, really!

As I said at the beginning of this post, this is only my experience and I have no desire to generalize. Everyone's situation is different, but I don't think, if I were a parent, that I would wait a year before introducing my kids to someone I was dating. I think there are ways to introduce everyone without raising anyone's hopes or expectations. I certainly wouldn't use terminology like, "This is your new Daddy," or anything like that if I was a parent. There are just too many ways that could go wrong and it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I think I would try to adopt a low-key approach, especially at the beginning. There's time enough to see where things go before putting labels and expectations on people.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  January 6,2010, 9:45am
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First off the "old school" was that I would meet the children very early on. But of course the "old school" was that we may have known each other for quite some time before ever dating.

I agree that you don't want to introduce your children to every guy that you date because, in my experience, most of the girls I date are only a first date. Of those that get past the first date it ends after two or three dates. But if I get as far as 10 dates with someone then I have to think that we have decided that there is at least enough potential to see just how long term we can make the relationship. It certainly is not going to take me anything close to a year to decide if there is long term potential.

Now in my particular dating pool the children of my matches are at least teenagers and usually much older, living away from home and frequently have children of their own. However the situation really is the same no matter what age the children are as the whole family, and even friends, of your match comes along as part of a package deal. If your match does not fit into your package or you don't fit into their package then it really does not matter how compatible the two of you are.

Now here is the scenario with your, or your matches, children. If you spend a year dating someone to make sure that this is going to be the one you have made a very strong emotional and I will bet a physical connection to your match. Then you introduce them to your children and your match hates your children or your children you have now invested a lot of time, energy and emotion into something that is not going to work out in the long run. Would it not have been much better for all involved to have found out sometime shortly after you had decided to become exclusive to find out that in spite of what they said that he or she really did not like children?

Just my opinion. But I suspect that I have been there before.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  January 6,2010, 9:48am
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lindseyk wrote :
I can only speak from my experience, but my fiance introduced me to his kids on our fourth date. We went to his daughter's concert and I also met his son that day. The next time I saw his son, he stayed in the truck with me while his dad washed it. He doesn't usually do that sort of thing with strangers. I've had a great relationship with both kids right from the start. My fiance told his kids about me before he introduced me, but they knew that he wouldn't continue with me if they were unhappy. He had tried dating a couple of other women before he met me and both times the kids voiced concerns. They haven't gone to him with anything negative about me. On the contrary, they are really excited about the wedding and often comment on how happy their dad is. It's been quite amazing, really!

As I said at the beginning of this post, this is only my experience and I have no desire to generalize. Everyone's situation is different, but I don't think, if I were a parent, that I would wait a year before introducing my kids to someone I was dating. I think there are ways to introduce everyone without raising anyone's hopes or expectations. I certainly wouldn't use terminology like, "This is your new Daddy," or anything like that if I was a parent. There are just too many ways that could go wrong and it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I think I would try to adopt a low-key approach, especially at the beginning. There's time enough to see where things go before putting labels and expectations on people.
Yes!
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #8  January 6,2010, 9:53am
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For me, it's one of those things thats really difficult to put a precise timeline on. And difficult to guess at (right now) w/out knowing the specific man/relationship/situation I'd find myself involved with...

I'd want to wait on introductions a long enough time to have an idea that it was going to be someone that I trusted around my children, obviously. And someone who I had an idea would probably be around for (at least) some amount of time. I can't stand the thought of people as revolving doors in one anothers lives... so, I'd wait a little while.

However, I wouldn't wait so long that he and I became *so serious* without knowing how he was around my kids, and my kids were around him (or me around his, etc.) My kids are a huge part of my life, as I would expect his would be to him (if he had any).

I can't see being able to form a long term, solid relationship w/ someone while leaving out a big part of who each of us is for such a long period of time... too many pieces of the puzzle get left out that way.

So I'd have to take it all on an individual basis. When the time seemed right with whomever I was involved with - for him, for me and for the kids involved. Every situation is different.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  January 6,2010, 10:17am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
{snipped} but great points.

Now here is the scenario with your, or your matches, children. If you spend a year dating someone to make sure that this is going to be the one you have made a very strong emotional and I will bet a physical connection to your match. Then you introduce them to your children and your match hates your children or your children you have now invested a lot of time, energy and emotion into something that is not going to work out in the long run. Would it not have been much better for all involved to have found out sometime shortly after you had decided to become exclusive to find out that in spite of what they said that he or she really did not like children?

Just my opinion. But I suspect that I have been there before.
Another point is it's important that your kids like your partner and his kids like you. Many a relationship has failed because of problems created by those incompatabilities. Although a lot of that may be more age-affected, the OP doesn't mention her kids ages.

I think a year would be too much time to invest before finding something like this out.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  January 6,2010, 10:33am
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Waiting a year is TOO LONG.

The length of time before does vary with age. It can be confusing for toddlers but not so much for those 10 and older provided the divorce didnt suddenly happen out of the blue.

If you are going out with them pretty consistantly like 1/2 times a week and talking on other days over a 3 month period then its time to start introducing them to your children in a gradual manner.

A big issue in a relationship are going to be the children so why waste a year of your time with someone who cant seem to interact with your children.
 
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