Shouldn't the "New Daddy" thing wait?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #21  January 6,2010, 7:59pm
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chawks - rants are completely okay with me! Sometimes... you just have to let it out.

I completely feel you. Only, in this case, the guy I am dating does not have any kids. So, I might be taking him, his mom, etc... but no baggage and no ex-wives either. I think from that standpoint it's okay, but I'm also not sure that he really knows how to deal with kids since he doesn't have any of his own. I don't think I want him to "practice" on mine at such a young age. At least in a year, the youngest will be 3, which is a little older.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #22  January 6,2010, 8:11pm
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My ex paraded a series of women in front of our children very shortly after meeting each one of them and hardly knowing them...bad idea. Really mixed my children up. My philosphy is to wait....not a year but at least spend some time really getting to know the person and waiting until I know we are definitely exclusive and I can see at least the possibility of a long term relationship that may lead to marriage. You don't want to wait too long because if you wait a year and you've fallen in love with this person and your children meet him and they don't click then what do you do?? I know I need to have a life, but for me, my children always come first.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #23  January 6,2010, 8:19pm

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I see people saying that you should not wait too long since your kids might not click. But I really think parents should figure out first if this is someone that they are going to be with before introducing them to your kids. Yeah, they may not click with your kids and you may be in love and it is not going to work out for you now. But why would that matter. If your kids truly come first, then shouldn't you only be presenting ones that you know for sure you want to be in their lives? Why introduce them to ones you are not sure about yet?

It does not make any sense to me. I don't see a benefit to sooner other than finding out quicker if they will get along with your kids or not. Seems like a wrong reason to me. Shouldn't the kid test be the last test.

Just wondering...
Last edited by LizziePooh; January 7,2010 at 7:12am.
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #24  January 6,2010, 8:32pm
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jussmile wrote :
my kids are VERY young, under the age of 6. the divorce with my ex was also sudden, and I still explain to them, when their dad drops them off, that daddy has to go back to his house and is not staying. They don't understand any of this.

My main concern is confusing them with parading a man in their lives that may not be around for the long haul. I don't want them to get too comfortable with someone if it is not going to be lasting. I am okay with showing them, and have, that I am not getting back with their dad. But, I do not need to rub it in their face either.

I have a great co-parenting relationship with their dad, and so I have time to date during the week. My kids would not get in the way at all for my date to come to my house, or for me to go out. I literally, could go a year without them seeing him and still have a healthy relationship. the question was more... should I?
I understand your concern and believe you are thinking of your kids feelings first, not your own which seems to be too common.

When I first started dating, my kids were young, ages 2-9. Met someone special 2 years later and introduced her to them after a few weeks. After a few months I had doubts that it would work out. When I did end it my kids were crushed. Had I waited a few months I would have realized the relationship wouldn't work out and they would not have gotten hurt.

For me, a year seems a bit long to wait. I now wait a few months at least, longer if I'm still not sure. So far my kids have met 3 gals that I was dating in the past 8 years. I don't meet a date's kids early either and it sends up flags if she pushes for it. I do feel that mid-late teens can be introduced much earlier as they are more resilient and don't attach so easy.

Even with your good co-parenting relationship, your kids still would attach to a new partner as they want the parent to be happy, want the 'complete' family unit, and want the presence of the other gender in their lives more consistently.

Waiting a period of time is good.
 
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VicBrett is offline VicBrett Post #25  January 14,2010, 12:35am
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LizziePooh wrote :
I don't agree with this at all.

It is the kids that matter and part of a parent's job is to make a stable home for them. A parent can date and still have their partner over and introduce them to their kids like they would with other friends that they have. The kids just need to not have the partner in their life until the partner is actually going to be in their life.
How does not introducing someone to your kids for a year make it any more stable than after say three months? And why not two years, or six?

Is sneaking around, or going off without your kids, more stable than having the option of going out as a group, having him over for dinner, etc.?

And why does spending a year away from your children make it any more likely that they will actually be in your life? For a year, you are going to date someone in a fantasy life in which kids disappear when needed, and then you expect this to ensure your SO will be around on day 357 when they finally see what life with you is really like?

And if your SO doesn't like your kids, family life, living situation, etc. (or your kids don't like your SO) are you going to go back to the way things were or are you going to dump them for not accepting something neither of them were permitted to see for a year?

Having someone hide their kids from me for a year... would be a complete non-starter. I'm not going to commit to someone I don't really know and I'm not going to get to know the real you from seeing someone outside of the home and family.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #26  January 14,2010, 3:06am
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VicBrett wrote :
How does not introducing someone to your kids for a year make it any more stable than after say three months? And why not two years, or six?

Is sneaking around, or going off without your kids, more stable than having the option of going out as a group, having him over for dinner, etc.?

And why does spending a year away from your children make it any more likely that they will actually be in your life? For a year, you are going to date someone in a fantasy life in which kids disappear when needed, and then you expect this to ensure your SO will be around on day 357 when they finally see what life with you is really like?

And if your SO doesn't like your kids, family life, living situation, etc. (or your kids don't like your SO) are you going to go back to the way things were or are you going to dump them for not accepting something neither of them were permitted to see for a year?

Having someone hide their kids from me for a year... would be a complete non-starter. I'm not going to commit to someone I don't really know and I'm not going to get to know the real you from seeing someone outside of the home and family.
I understand your questions, but I think the OP has to decide for herself the best way to handle this situation. When my children were young, I was not allowed (yes...I said that...my ex was a mess...the divorce was initiated by me!) to bring any dates around my children. My ex would quiz the kids on what I did, and who I was dating when he had them every weekend. He was always looking for a way to get sole custody, so dating was a near no-no for five years!

With that said, the OP has stated that she has a good relationship with her ex and he does not seem to have a problem with her dating. But in her case, the children are so young, and the divorce so sudden, I think I would err on the side of caution. Why confuse young children even more? As long as her SO does not mind (he does not have children and does not seem to be 'pushing' the issue) I would say she has to follow her conscience. Young children can be very impressionable... as several of the posters have stated in their response on this thread. My method of dealing with my ex-husband was to swear off dating until my kids were older and I custody was not an issue anymore, but not everyone can stay celibate for five yrs and wait an angry ex out. I did it for the sake of my children, to keep custody and peace with my ex. The funny thing is he met someone 3 yrs into the separation and she met the kids once..but I was not afforded that luxury (but that is another topic)...meh!

Though my children are older now, the last 20 yrs were rough maneuvering the kids and my SO's around each other (I have been engaged twice since my divorce in the last 15 yrs). In my last relationship, I did not formally introduce my kids to my SO at all because it was an LDR (six months total) and I wasn't even sure if the relationship would work. As it turned out, the relationship crashed when he asked (no..near demanded) me to relocate...and after evaluating the break-up, I was so glad my children had not met him.

Furthermore, my children tend to not really be involved with my personal life. They have their own lives...except for the 15yo who spends weekends, holidays and all summer with my ex....she is in her own world (typical teenager)and does not care to meet any man I date, unless it is a serious, committed relationship. But I have been in only three relationships since my divorce and they were all long term...she met every one when the relationship was serious... but...alas... I am no longer with any of these men. Thus, lately I am not comfortable with my daughter meeting any man I date, no matter how serious it is. If I suggest her meeting someone I have grown close to, she looks at me now with a death-stare and seems to be thinking "Oh yeah...here goes another one you're gonna get rid of..or that won't be around long...so why bother?"..she hates it when she meets a man I'm in a relationship with after about 5-7 months (the usual time frame for a man meeting my children)....and then the relationship dissolves. Even though my relationships were all long term (3yrs or more) she still sees them as failures...and feels it is stoopid to meet anyone I am in a relationship with... because if she develops a relationship with them what will happen when/if the relationship fizzles? I try to explain to her life can be unpredictable, and she will understand when she gets older, but that is falling on deaf ears lately. I have noticed that in my life experience as an educator and parent that young children and teens don't seem to understand that all things in life are not written in stone...they do not have abstract thinking when it comes to their parents dating and being in a relationship...mostly concrete, 'black & white' thinkers...and from what I have been reading in some of the threads about this issue, older children can sometimes be a mess too!

I think it depends on the people involved...if the SO is 'pushing' to meet the kids too soon (sooner than your own comfort level)...and everyone's own particular way of dealing with this. I have read posts on the eh boards where people have taken kids on first dates, or had dates at their home first/second/third dates... eating dinner and hanging out with their children. I have also read posts where folks are meeting friends/family on first/second dates. That is not somethig I am comfortable with... but whatever works for some folks will not work for everyone.

To each his/her own I say...I am more a tortoise than a hare on this issue, based on my life experiences, and thus may not be the norm...
Last edited by legend29; January 14,2010 at 3:28am. Reason: typos...ugh
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #27  January 14,2010, 6:54am
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my kids are really young, almost babies. I have no desire to confuse them. Although I have a good relationship with my ex, things would go sour quickly if I hurt the kids in this way!! Not to mention, shouldn't I have a chance to really get to know this guy first, to see whether we have enough in common to make it a lasting relationship. Do I introduce every guy to my kids that I've been dating 2, 3 months? I just think that might not be the best thing for them, for me, or for the guy. What if attachments are developed? I don't know if 1 year is the right time, might happen before then, but 6 months at least. I couldn't imagine doing it before then. It surprises me when people have pics of their kids on the eh profiles. I just don't know. completely new to this, but I do have to think about the kids' best interest first. and, I have almost 50/50 split with their dad, so I do have time to date w/o them around, or having to "sneak" around.
 
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