He's not asking me about me...


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FLV1 is offline FLV1 Post #1  January 5,2010, 8:57pm
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I've met a gentleman online who does reply to all of my emails quickly but he doesn't seem to be curious about me. He hasn't asked me much about myself beyond what was missing from my past relationship. He always responds to everything I bring up but doesn't always give me complete answers. He seems to have made up his mind that he is very attracted to me but I wonder how that can be since he knows so little about me. He is articulate and intelligent but I feel that there isn't the right type of communication for me to feel connected to him. I had been holding off on communicating with him over the phone initially when he asked me a few weeks ago. Being new to the service, I didn't know what to expect or the proper steps to take. Yesterday, after reading some advice here I told him that I would both speak to him over the phone and Instant message him. We did IM today, which was better. But it seems to me that he is not interested in me, the person, so much as he is interested in sex and leaving the cold. He is in Minnesota and I am in Texas and he says that he needs to come visit me to escape the cold. Do I proceed? And if so, how? How do I find out if he has any real interest in me beyond the physical without being? Rude?
 
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Nikita79 is offline Nikita79 Post #2  January 5,2010, 9:17pm
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He's made it very clear he just wants a physical relationship, hell I wouldn't even go so far to call it a relationship, more like a long distance booty call. He replies to your questions because he very much wants to get laid and he doesn't ask about you because he doesn't care to know you.

Do you feel comfortable with being someone's booty call and potential motel?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  January 5,2010, 10:14pm
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FLV1 wrote :
But it seems to me that he is not interested in me, the person, so much as he is interested in sex and leaving the cold. He is in Minnesota and I am in Texas and he says that he needs to come visit me to escape the cold. Do I proceed? And if so, how? How do I find out if he has any real interest in me beyond the physical without being? Rude?
I think you are reading way too much into this. His whole idea of the trip being to escape the cold might be a way to take the pressure (and I would say that's a good idea to do). Many people who communicate with a match find that once they meet a match in person, there is no chemistry and really no interest to pursue things further. Texas is a long way for him to travel from Minnesota to find that one or both of you are not interested within seconds of meeting, although you would likely go trudging on through hours of the rest of the date. Has he mentioned sex, or are you jumping to a conclusion based on his wanting to travel to meet you but not asking more questions about you?

With regards to him not asking questions...that might be a bit of communication difference that will be overcome with time. Through lots of conversation, you can learn about each other without needed it to be an interrogation or alternating volley of questions. That might take a little extra patience on your part, but I wouldn't eliminate him based on that just yet. If you find that you are talking on the phone for a month and a communication problem persists so you aren't progressing, then it is time to think about the situation again.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #4  January 5,2010, 11:08pm
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the online thing can be difficult, because people do have differing abilities to process verbal communications, esp. in this format. like my boyfriend writes well, but i can see grass grow while he's at it. if i write a long email about more than one subject, i can't expect a reply back because it's alphabet overload. he doesn't ask questions either. i asked him about this once, and he told me he watches people instead to find out about them. it's a different mental track, and he's just not that snappy at it.

my suggestion: get a video cam for your computer and try a video call.
 
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FLV1 is offline FLV1 Post #5  January 6,2010, 3:52am
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MelinCali wrote :
I think you are reading way too much into this. His whole idea of the trip being to escape the cold might be a way to take the pressure (and I would say that's a good idea to do). Many people who communicate with a match find that once they meet a match in person, there is no chemistry and really no interest to pursue things further. Texas is a long way for him to travel from Minnesota to find that one or both of you are not interested within seconds of meeting, although you would likely go trudging on through hours of the rest of the date. Has he mentioned sex, or are you jumping to a conclusion based on his wanting to travel to meet you but not asking more questions about you?

With regards to him not asking questions...that might be a bit of communication difference that will be overcome with time. Through lots of conversation, you can learn about each other without needed it to be an interrogation or alternating volley of questions. That might take a little extra patience on your part, but I wouldn't eliminate him based on that just yet. If you find that you are talking on the phone for a month and a communication problem persists so you aren't progressing, then it is time to think about the situation again.

He has made several comments about fireworks, and me doing with him what I will if I were to give him a massage, I'm an LMT, and do I have any photos of my 'sexy self,' wants me to thaw him out, to keep him warm, wanted to celebrate New Year's Eve with a kiss and more... Lots of sexual references. Perhaps this is normal flirting and I'm just not accustomed to it because I've been out of the loop for the past 8 years. But this is why I'm asking. I need to feel that he sees Me, knows what I like, knows who I am and isn't just looking for a way to get warm and have sex. I have mentioned to him not to get ahead of himself: that we might meet and there would be no chemistry. He said that that could happen but that the other possibility might be that we could live happily ever after. This just all seems incredibly fast and extremely idealistic...

Thank you, though, for the reassurance about the lack of questions.
 
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Nikita79 is offline Nikita79 Post #6  January 6,2010, 4:11am
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I think you need to tread carefully with this one. From my experience, the men who have brought up sex very early (before meeting in person) are trying to tell you that's all they are interested in. Essentially, he's been testing your comfort levels with all the flirting and seeing what how far he can push the envelope. You need to put down ground rules on how you want to be treated. If you want more than just a physical relationship, tell him that from the start. It's not fair to you to make concessions this early in the game.

Ultimately trust your gut instinct because you know your situation better than any of us.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  January 6,2010, 4:39am
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wrote :
But it seems to me that he is not interested in me, the person, so much as he is interested in sex and leaving the cold.
If that's what it seems like....that's probably the motive.
Do you trust your intuition?
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #8  January 6,2010, 6:52am
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FLV1 wrote :
He seems to have made up his mind that he is very attracted to me but I wonder how that can be since he knows so little about me.
Probably because men tend to be more visual than women. They can be very interested in you based solely on what you look like.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #9  January 6,2010, 7:21am
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in that case, he's a no.
 
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qt_py is offline qt_py Post #10  January 6,2010, 8:57am

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By not asking you questions in return, he has already shown you that he's not interested in whats between your ears...
 
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