How do I know if I'm the "other woman"?


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missy75 is offline missy75 Post #1  January 5,2010, 6:45pm
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I've recently started dating someone, 4 months now, and I don't get to see a lot of him. He is really busy at work and to add to this he has a daughter that he needs to see, naturally. The other problem is that I don't have any contact with his life outside of his time with me. He tells me about people but I haven't met any of his friends or family because he doesn't believe in introducing any "date" to his daughter before he knows the relationship will last, he thinks that takes about a year. I can understand everything he says but it's still hard feeling like I'm on the "outside". Some of my friends think I'm the "other" woman and I'm starting to worry that they are right. How can I tell if I'm helping someone to cheat?
 
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goosielucy is offline goosielucy Post #2  January 5,2010, 7:12pm
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I am assuming you have asked him if he is attached and he's said no. Yet, you have suspicions now. What part of his life, besides, meeting his daughter, are you interested being involved in or seeing? If it is that important, I would mention it to him and see where he may compromise on including you or showing you. If he cares for you, he would take your concerns into account.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  January 5,2010, 7:50pm
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missy75 wrote :
Some of my friends think I'm the "other" woman and I'm starting to worry that they are right. How can I tell if I'm helping someone to cheat?
Here's a simple and convenient test of your status with him, since it's only January 5th. Did he spend New Year's Eve with you? If not, he might have had someone else to kiss at midnight whom he could not possibly provide an excuse to not be with. So?
 
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theweave is offline theweave Post #4  January 5,2010, 7:56pm
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That is a long time to go without meeting anyone that associates with him and would put up red flags for me.

I sort of agree with the not meeting the daughter part (how old is she), but kind of don't after four months. I think if he were to date you for a long time and than BOOM drop you into his daughters life, that may be a recipe for disaster if she does not like you for some reason and you are so attached to him. On the other hand, the match that I am talking to right now (literally on messenger) has a six year old daughter and told me she doesn't want me to meet her quickly and I understand her point of view too.

ON THE OTHER HAND.. The last match I dated had 2 daughters, one 12 and one 15. I told her after our first date, she came to my city, that I was wanting to meet her daughters on the second date. She was hesitant at first but I told her "Look all of you are a package!" and I told her that I did not want to be dropped on them one day and hate me... she accepted that and I met them. I was with her six months and though her one daughter took a while to warm up to me, she did.

If he is hiding you from everyone than alarm bells would be going off for me all around! Especially in four months!

You need to have a heart to heart and find out what the scoop is. If he is the only part of his life you see, something is up!
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  January 5,2010, 8:11pm
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Are you able to talk to him on the phone any time you want, or only during certain hours? Do you have his home phone number (if he has a land line) or just his cell?

When you meet / go out, is it at out of the way, dark places.... or out in the open?

Have you ever been to his home? How about spend the night there? How about in daylight when his neighbors can see? If not, why not?

Does he have any reasons for you not meeting his friends? Or the adult members of his family? What are they?

I think a year is a little too conservative for timing of meeting his daughter. How old is his daughter? Does he have full custody, joint custody, or visitation? Personally, I'll wait about 3 months before introducing a guy to my kids. Using that rule, they've never met anyone that I've dated for less than a year.... because if it feels good at three months it has some sort of long-term potential.

Depending on your answers to these, there may indeed be a real potential that you are an "other woman."
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  January 5,2010, 8:15pm
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You have not really given enough information for me to get a good feel for if he is married.

But here are some things that would indicate that he may not be what he says.
1. If he has only given you his work phone number.
2. If he does not want you to call him. He wants to always be the one to call.
3. If he is only free to see you on a particular day of the week and it is never on a weekend.
4. If he is not willing to invite you to his house.

There are two views on introducing children. While you don't want to be introducing them to every person that you only have a first date with. But if you wait until you are getting ready to walk down the isle then it is way too late. It may be that the person does not like the children or that the children don't like the person. Waiting a year seems a bit extreme to me.

Even if he wants to wait to introduce you to his children the same does not go for adult friends and family. It may be good, IMO, to be introducing anyone that you are thinking seriously about to friends and family before you get too serious because they are not viewing the person through lust colored eyes. They can be much more objective.

At four months of dating I do hope that you have had the exclusive discussion and come to an agreement on that.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  January 5,2010, 8:17pm
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MelinCali wrote :
Here's a simple and convenient test of your status with him, since it's only January 5th. Did he spend New Year's Eve with you? If not, he might have had someone else to kiss at midnight whom he could not possibly provide an excuse to not be with. So?
Very good point.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #8  January 5,2010, 8:25pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Are you able to talk to him on the phone any time you want, or only during certain hours? Do you have his home phone number (if he has a land line) or just his cell?

When you meet / go out, is it at out of the way, dark places.... or out in the open?

Have you ever been to his home? How about spend the night there? How about in daylight when his neighbors can see? If not, why not?

Does he have any reasons for you not meeting his friends? Or the adult members of his family? What are they?

I think a year is a little too conservative for timing of meeting his daughter. How old is his daughter? Does he have full custody, joint custody, or visitation? Personally, I'll wait about 3 months before introducing a guy to my kids. Using that rule, they've never met anyone that I've dated for less than a year.... because if it feels good at three months it has some sort of long-term potential.

Depending on your answers to these, there may indeed be a real potential that you are an "other woman."
Great questions!

I think the one year timeline for introducing you to his daughter is a little extreme, but I can understand it to some degree. The fact that he hasn't introduced you to any of his friends would be more of a concern for me.

Of course, another interpretation would be that he's really very ambivalent about his feelings for you and your role in his life. Or he views you simply as a fling, even if he's otherwise single.
Last edited by peg099; January 5,2010 at 8:28pm.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  January 6,2010, 2:44am
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Everyone else pretty much said what I was going to say ...gauging his 'availability' to you is how you figure it out.

The "don't want you to meet my daughter" thing, or the "busy at work" thing can only go so far before it becomes "I'm actually married" or "I see no future with you so why bother?" ...neither of which is good for you.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #10  January 6,2010, 3:10am
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I understand not meeting the daughter right away (although waiting a year to meet her seems really extreme). My rule for introducing my kids to someone is an exclusive relationship that I believe may lead to long term or marriage. After being divorced for nine years I have never introduced my children to anyone.

I see some red flags in that after four months you haven't met any of his friends or family and he is so busy that you don't see a lot of him. I can understand the being busy at work thing somewhat - but the thing about not meeting anyone that he is close to seems just wierd. I was involved with someone like that before. We had great fun together, he was keeping me on the ropes as in making me believe I was the only one and he claimed to want to be the only one in my life. It turned out he was seeing me while pursuing other relationships and he was really waiting to find someone really special that he wanted to introduce to his son, friends and family. Bummer.

What does your gut tell you? Whatever it is telling you - you should listen. Sounds like the two of you need to talk......
 
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