Advice requested after succesful first date


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HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #1  January 5,2010, 5:17pm
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I met this fantastic lady. I consider her to be out of my league, but I never let her know that on our date. We initially planed an hour dinner (she had to pick up her daughter) but it turned into 3 hours of getting to know each other, smiles, laughs, lots of eye contact. She called me very handsome, (yeah I know) and some other really nice things during dinner.

I walked her to her car placed my hand on her upper back on the way. Once there I opened her door for her, and she turned around. I leaned in for a hug and held it just a bit longer than you would a friend. I kissed her neck. As I leaned out of her neck she kissed my lips...I reciprocated.

I emailed her when I got home, told her I had a good time and look forward to doing it again. She replied and agreed with some compliments.

I waited a day and called her. She answered monotone, but changed tone to sweet, and dare I say a little excited when I said hi this is....

She said she was still at work, and she would call me back as soon as she left. At 5:01 she called me! She gets off at 5. We talked for about half an hour, and she had to go to go in and pick up her daughter. She agreed to a date this Friday. She said she would call me back in a little bit.

This is where I usually lose them if I am going to lose them between date one and date 3 that often never happens.

I want to avoid friend status, and I want to avoid "clingy guy" status.

She has to have a friend take her a few hours away to pick up her care that broke down over Christmas at her parents home, and is now repaired. This will be the night after our second date.

Should I offer to give her a ride to get her car? I would enjoy it, but I don't want to over do it. How much contact should I have with her between now Tuesday and Friday?

I know I must seem silly, but I have not dated in 20 years so I admit I am like a teen jumping back in without a clue.

I have a few other dates lined up in the near future, but I admit if I can avoid the "poof" or friend status I believe I would like to eventually move to exclusive with her after some time and after I get to know her much better.

Not looking to get humiliated just looking for some friendly advice.

I am a very good listener, that gets me in many times but I seem to miss the beat to keep the passion part going. How much touching, kissing etc...would be appropriate for me to instigate.

Does not seem like she is going to be shy about it, so maybe that will answer it self, but on the other hand I seem to kill the passion and turn on the friend status way to often after decent starts.

Any suggestions welcome.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 5,2010, 5:22pm
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I think you did fine; sounds like you managed the intimacy well.

I suggest being careful making this offer to pick up her car - that is the kind of ploy people use to free-ride on you. If she has shown some quantifiable interest in you, to justify this investment, maybe do it - but only if you will not feel bad if she never answers another of your calls.

If she really likes you, she'll want to be with you. I want to be with people I like, and think are a viable partner.

When in doubt, I think a bit more "passion" is warranted; she will stop you if she is uncomfortable, but I have seen so many posts "he did not kiss me, does that mean he is not interetsed?"
Last edited by D_Lion; January 5,2010 at 5:31pm.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  January 5,2010, 5:32pm
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Boo, Frog.

It's not about free rides. It's about appropriate boundaries. Romeo, let her take care of her car issue. If things work out there will be plenty of opportunities to help down the line.

For now, maybe a text message tomorrow or Thursday telling her you're really looking forward to the date.

I can't tell you how you're killing things and moving yourself into friend zone. Being too helpful...being too accessible...will sometimes do it. Most of us have gotten pretty good at taking care of ourselves and while we love to have a significant other who loves to help, we don't always deal so well with people jumping right in and fixing things for us.

As for the physical stuff. Follow her lead. It's nice when I'm with someone I like for him tuck my hand onto his arm while walking, or touch my hand or knee while we're talking. As long as that's going on and being reciprocated, you are staying out of the friend zone.

The one thing I would caution you about (and I noticed it in your photo thread as well) is that you seem to struggle a bit with self-esteem or at least you talk like you do. No one is "out of your league" as long as they like you, too. You are a perfectly handome man and you will be to some women and not so much to others. Keep an eye on that, because the more you are comfortable with yourself the more comfortable you'll be with others in dating. The less comfortable you are with yourself, the more it will bleed into your conversation and behavior.

I'm so happy you had a lovely date. Enjoy the next one, too!
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #4  January 5,2010, 5:50pm

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I agree with LBMM. I assume you are not psychic so she mentioned she needed a friend to drive her to the car. I could be wrong but that seems like her opening the door for you to offer. She is probably sitting on the other end thinking I wish I could just have him drive me to the car but I don't want him to think I only asked him for a favor. Ya know?
 
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goosielucy is offline goosielucy Post #5  January 5,2010, 6:07pm
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In terms of the offer to give her a lift, I am sure she will appreciate and look kindly on the offer, whether she accepts or not.

With regards to the kissy, kissy stuff, lol, don't over do it either. She received your light affections positively from what I read, keep it light at this stage. In my experience, coming on too strong too soon in this area relegates you even faster to the friend zone than keeping it light.

Hope it continues to go well.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  January 5,2010, 6:14pm
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To clarify...I would not offer to drive her to her car. It's too soon to be jumping into that. I would ask, on the second date, if she's made plans for someone to drive her. If she's having issues with that and you feel like it, then offer.

But that would be a red flag to me...that she isn't able to take care of herself or that she is relying on someone she barely knows. Or that I boo'd the Frog too soon.

She's a big girl. Let her solve her own issues until if and when you two get to the point where you know your help will be appreciated and reciprocated.
 
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HopelessRomeo is offline HopelessRomeo Post #7  January 5,2010, 6:20pm
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She already has a friend set up to take her to get the car. I just thought it might be a good way to get to know her by spending some time on the road were we could talk a lot. For her friend to take her it is probably more of a chore than it would be for me lol.

It would also create an early opportunity to meet her parents which is where he rcar broke down. That could be good or bad lol. This lady is very classy probably make more than I do. I know she does not need my help.

As I think about it. I think it maybe to early for such and excursion with her.

Better to have a good date Friday and just call Saturday evening to make sure she and her friend made it back ok =)?

Yes, I have some self esteem issues now. I did not when I was young but now that I am in my 40's, and dating again. I am unsure of myself having been out of practice so long. I am sure that will improve over time.
Last edited by HopelessRomeo; January 5,2010 at 6:23pm.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  January 5,2010, 6:29pm
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HopelessRomeo wrote :
She already has a friend set up to take her to get the car. I just thought it might be a good way to get to know her by spending some time on the road were we could talk a lot. For her friend to take her it is probably more of a chore than it would be for me lol.

It would also create an early opportunity to meet her parents which is where he rcar broke down. That could be good or bad lol. This lady is very classy probably make more than I do. I know she does not need my help.

As I think about it. I think it maybe to early for such and excursion with her.

Better to have a good date Friday and just call Saturday evening to make sure she and her friend made it back ok =)?
Yes. Too much, too soon. Too much time alone in a car and way too soon to meet the family.

It's really not about whether or not she needs your help. It's just good to have an idea about boundaries so that you either don't overstep hers, or get yourself into a situation with someone where they are taking advantage of you...or you're in over your head before you know them well enough...or you're in the friend zone because they've decided you don't have any purpose in life other than being there when they need you.

I think calling afterward would be nice...even if it's just to leave a voicemail thanking her for the date and hoping that she got home okay. I'm sure you'll have a third date planned by then.

And hey, there are lots of us here in our 40s and dating again (or still...). I think you're doing just fine.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 5,2010 at 6:32pm.
 
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gcoleman99 is offline gcoleman99 Post #9  January 5,2010, 6:30pm
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HopelessRomeo wrote :
She already has a friend set up to take her to get the car. I just thought it might be a good way to get to know her by spending some time on the road were we could talk a lot. For her friend to take her it is probably more of a chore than it would be for me lol.

It would also create an early opportunity to meet her parents which is where he rcar broke down. That could be good or bad lol. This lady is very classy probably make more than I do. I know she does not need my help.

As I think about it. I think it maybe to early for such and excursion with her.

Better to have a good date Friday and just call Saturday evening to make sure she and her friend made it back ok =)?

Yes, I have some self esteem issues now. I did not when I was young but now that I am in my 40's, and dating again. I am unsure of myself having been out of practice so long. I am sure that will improve over time.
I think it is a little bit too early to do that (but then again, I was supposed to drive my ex-gf back to CA on Rt. 66 when we met for the first time in Chicago... we didn't end up doing that, but I don't know WHAT we were thinking). If you'd been seeing her for 2-3 weeks, and things were moving toward the bf/gf area, then I think it would be ok to offer. You could offer her to call you while she's driving her car, back, though, and you two could talk then to keep her company?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  January 6,2010, 6:02am
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HopelessRomeo wrote :
She already has a friend set up to take her to get the car. I just thought it might be a good way to get to know her by spending some time on the road were we could talk a lot. For her friend to take her it is probably more of a chore than it would be for me lol.

It would also create an early opportunity to meet her parents which is where he rcar broke down. That could be good or bad lol. This lady is very classy probably make more than I do. I know she does not need my help.

As I think about it. I think it maybe to early for such and excursion with her.

Better to have a good date Friday and just call Saturday evening to make sure she and her friend made it back ok =)?
This is what gets you friend zoned or clingy guy zoned. It's way too much too soon for her and you to spend that much time together let alone be angling to meet her parents. What you will get out of that is information overload that she will then go home, digest and .....well....you know how that works out for you. It's back to too much sugar is bad for the stomach. Initially you want to keep things light and fun and easy going. Take her out to dinner, have fun, follow her lead on intimacy - if you touch her arm does she respond positively or shrink away from you?

Also, try your best to keep things fun and brief and don't turn it into a marathon date no matter how much you want to. What frequently happens with that is that you are both having a great time at the moment, but then she goes home and she is exhausted and there is stuff that she needed to do and didn't. Then the next date with you is kind of the same and now she is starting to think that this dating thing is really too much and next thing you know is you are getting the "I'm just not ready for this, let's just be friends" break up line.
 
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