Cathartic endeavor - What happened?


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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #1  January 5,2010, 8:58am
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Contacted a gal via an online site. It took her about a week to respond to my initial email, and we went back and forth a couple of times. She still took about a week to respond each time; frustrated but with appropriately low expectations from a bevy of online dating experience, I happily and politely responded within a day or two.

After gonig back and forth a few times we finally set on a date (Tues 12/29). The restaurant we decided upon had a parking garage, and we ended up meeting in the elevator on the way up. I shocked; she was more attractive than her profile suggested. (More on that later in my self-analysis post.)

I had her laughing before we sat at our table; and were there for three hours. We had all sorts of things in common; from our lifestyles, to our fairly rare socio-political world views, to our somewhat unique interests (especially for a girl). There was a bit of touching and some great, honest and humorous conversation. The date went fantastic; I have to say the best first date I've ever had.

As the restaurant was closing she said she was interested in getting together again. She had mentioned she loved Indian food, and I said I had the perfect place for the next date. She said she couldn't wait. I said I'd email her a link to the restaurant the following day, and that I'd be gone for New Year's skiing. She said due to her schedule the following Thursday, Friday or Saturday (i.e., of this week) was open. I walked her to her car, and we hugged goodnight.

The day after the date I sent a short email thanking her for joining me and provided a link to the directions of the restaurant saying I was available Thursday or Friday as well but flying out on Saturday for work. I said I'd talk to her when I got back from my New Year's ski trip.

Lo and behold and come back and on Sunday 1/2 (5 days since our date, 4 days since I sent the follow-up email). I see no response to my email, though her status says she's been online within 24 hours. And yesterday, same thing - she logged in to her profile yet no response to my email. At work yesterday I found out that my travel plans changed such that I fly out on Sunday. She had mentioned during our first date that she was taking ski lessons, and would love a ski partner (I ski as well).

I sent another email last night stating my travel plans had changed, and suggested I join her for skiing on Saturday. She takes lessons, and will be on the hill regardless. I said I'd meet her after lessons for some skiing, and we could follow up with a meal at the lodge. Still no response.

We're both in our late 30s, well educated, career oriented, and were explicit in our intention of finding something serious. I took this to mean we were both serious and otherwise wouldn't play games, and would otherwise take an honest approach to the endeavor (which has been my experience).

I've doled out similar experience on here before - if communication is aloof it's a deal breaker have routinely dropped gals who didn't return an email/voice mail within a day or two, and I consider myself an online dating veteran, but I've never experienced this feeling of disappointment before. Makes me sound like a lost romantic, but I've been thrown for a loop. In theory she still has a few days to confirm plans but the chances I'd guess are 10% I'll hear back.

I'll post my analysis and an update.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  January 5,2010, 9:47am
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Sure she is looking for a serious relationship, just not with you. In fact sounds like she completely changed her mind about seeing you again. The problem with long first dates is that a person walks away with a whole lot of information to digest about you and sometimes the conclusion they come to when the heat of the moment is gone is not favorable. It may be bewildering when it happens, but it happens. Chin up and move on. If I were you I'd me making other plans and meeting other dates.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #3  January 5,2010, 10:08am
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Who knows what happened? Maybe she met someone else. (If so, it would be nice of her to at least tell you that.)

I think the big mistake here is assuming that because you had one great date, you had something there. Unfortunately that's not always the case.

At least you're finding out early that she's not responsive- better than having to date her for months.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #4  January 5,2010, 10:37am
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WOW - sorry about all that monolithic text (but at least I used paragraphs ...).

Oh, yes, that's the only obvious (99.2%) conclusion (she's not interested). Plus I've done the whole about-face after a long date a number of times and it's been done to me, too - but I have to admit of the 20 or so gals I've met online every single one sent a follow-up email of some sort within a day or two thanking me for the date, and stating their intention (interested/not interested).

As to my analysis I alluded to, after I first saw her waiting for the elevator I was elated but a small voice said, "wow, she is absolutely gorgeous - do you even have a chance?" Meaning, this gal's market value is substantial; well above my pay grade if we were 10 years younger. However her nearing 40 and wanting kids and a family, and I at the same age, but now making great money, and with a great social/family/work life, six pack abs and all my hair, my little voice also said, "perhaps you now have a chance." Well, Mr. Narcissist, not this time.

My delusionally 0.8% chances are that she's taking a very objective/rational approach to it. (We're both ardent fans of Ayn Rand for those in the know.) We set a time frame and a place, and making haste to confirm is inefficient. Plus her habit has been to take a week or so to respond for whatever reason, and she is traveling this week till Wednesday. (Gods that makes me sound crazy, but strangely, better.)

As a matter of fact I met a gal skiing; either way my dating has been about 50/50 as to meeting gals online vs. real life. The bar is set so low for online dating I'm not so sure why I continue to do it. It's made the miserable endeavor of dating even worse. It's so much more rewarding and fullfiling in real life, even when it doesn't go as planned .
Last edited by Raw_Truth; January 5,2010 at 10:40am.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #5  January 5,2010, 10:53am
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mrflyer wrote :
Who knows what happened? Maybe she met someone else. (If so, it would be nice of her to at least tell you that.)

I think the big mistake here is assuming that because you had one great date, you had something there. Unfortunately that's not always the case.

At least you're finding out early that she's not responsive- better than having to date her for months.
Oh, no - no delusions here about having "something." Just looking to vent I guess; always considered myself a seasoned and grizzled dater, too, but then again maybe not.

Meh - I guess my ultimate point/realization is dating is dating no matter the details. And yes, lax communication is one of my biggest pet peeves of all time so I guess there's some consolation there.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  January 5,2010, 11:32am
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Well....traveling does make a difference. Still, it's pretty rude not to respond or confirm date plans if she has logged in twice and you have sent two e-mails to her. One can get lost or forgotten in the holiday travel shuffle, but two not so much. I'm still on the side of she is done and gone.

Also,

"As to my analysis I alluded to, after I first saw her waiting for the elevator I was elated but a small voice said, "wow, she is absolutely gorgeous - do you even have a chance?" Meaning, this gal's market value is substantial; well above my pay grade if we were 10 years younger. However her nearing 40 and wanting kids and a family, and I at the same age, but now making great money, and with a great social/family/work life, six pack abs and all my hair, my little voice also said, "perhaps you now have a chance." Well, Mr. Narcissist, not this time."

If I sense this attitude in a man I'll run like there is no tomorrow. Experience has taught me long ago that when a guy does not feel worthy or in the same league, the chances of having a healthy relationship with him is essentially nil.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #7  January 5,2010, 12:18pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Well....traveling does make a difference. Still, it's pretty rude not to respond or confirm date plans if she has logged in twice and you have sent two e-mails to her. One can get lost or forgotten in the holiday travel shuffle, but two not so much. I'm still on the side of she is done and gone.
Yeah, but she's an iPhone enthusiast (literally meaning she can respond from all over the world, which I do with my iPhone) plus she works from home.

wrote :
Also,

"As to my analysis I alluded to, after I first saw her waiting for the elevator I was elated but a small voice said, "wow, she is absolutely gorgeous - do you even have a chance?" Meaning, this gal's market value is substantial; well above my pay grade if we were 10 years younger. However her nearing 40 and wanting kids and a family, and I at the same age, but now making great money, and with a great social/family/work life, six pack abs and all my hair, my little voice also said, "perhaps you now have a chance." Well, Mr. Narcissist, not this time."

If I sense this attitude in a man I'll run like there is no tomorrow. Experience has taught me long ago that when a guy does not feel worthy or in the same league, the chances of having a healthy relationship with him is essentially nil.
Yes, I understand that to be true; that was a stab at comic relief more than anything, plus I'm pretty sure I didn't exude the "not worthy" vibe (those days are long over). Could've been the case though I guess but a lot of dating is about market value, and we all test above our station from time to time. Perhaps that's not what happened here; I'm not sure. Rationalizing after the fact I guess...
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #8  January 8,2010, 10:30am
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Here's something that doesn't often happen. OMG - and update!

Just received this:

Hi, xxx. I'm sorry for being MIA. I've been in xxx on business the last two days with limited chance to check and respond to email.

Indian food sounds great but unfortunately i have plans tonight. How long are you gone? I would definitely like to see you when you get back.

Have a safe trip. -xxx

Tells me she's at least somewhat interested, but somehow I got downgraded, as we had tentatively agreed to tonight at the end of our last date.

My initial reaction is to call her out on it.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #9  January 8,2010, 10:49am
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Raw_Truth wrote :
Tells me she's at least somewhat interested, but somehow I got downgraded, as we had tentatively agreed to tonight at the end of our last date.

My initial reaction is to call her out on it.
Really? You had a great date and you want to "call her" on not firming up tentative plans, but keeping options open for a date? That makes no sense at all.

The only thing that explains it is this....

Raw_Truth wrote :
My delusionally 0.8% chances are that she's taking a very objective/rational approach to it. (We're both ardent fans of Ayn Rand for those in the know.)
From an objective/rational approach to the situation, what could you possibly achieve by "calling her on it"? Guaranteed you get no second date for it. Would the satisfaction of speaking your mind be worth torpedoing any chance of a relationship?
 
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GEF2 is offline GEF2 Post #10  January 8,2010, 12:28pm
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She either thought about the date some more and decided that she was not interested in pursuing anything further or she met someone else and decided to pursue things with him. You won't know exactly. It sucks, but you have to let it go and move on.
 
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