At what stage in dating do I CALL HIM?! vs. Wait for him to Keep Pursuing..


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Shelock_Homes is offline Shelock_Homes Post #1  January 4,2010, 4:21pm
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Hey cool kids. Was browsing around here and this jumped out at me. I'm gonna spill my situation and maybe you all can let me know some advice. Everyone is telling me I should call HIM now, but I'm not so sure.

1st match on eHarmony. I was a skeptic, but since I am so detailed in what I'm looking for I decided to give it a try and was pleasantly surprised with my #1. He looked husky but kinda handsome, I looked hot but sweet.. he thought I'd reject him but I gave him a chance and on the first date it was clear looks could be deceiving.. physically we were equally as hot! He is coming out of a divorce, I never wanted to mess with that but had faith God could heal. I am just coming out of a long weird relationship anyways.

We were matched beginning of December and started dating, he couldn't get enough of me. We met each other's family (we're both really close to them) and he still pursued. Holidays are busy with family for me and he went out of town too, but while he was out of state we talked a lot and he hinted around for new year's eve plans. Finally I realized it and accepted.

It was great, we hung out with his friends and told the story of how we first met. We got a little cutesy and I was surprised yet accepting to find myself in the role of "girlfriend", if not the title. We kissed at midnight and smoked the cigars he bought us w/ his friends. We kissed on his bed and I retired to the airbed he spent 20 minutes pumping up for me by hand earlier that day to show respect for me and our mutual faith.

The next day we made breakfast, watched TV, and then he wanted to sit and cuddle and talk and you know how ppl are, we talked for hours like we usually do, and got lost in the bliss of happiness and potential. I am normally tight-lipped about any emotions till down the road, but with all this effort he had been putting into me, I let it slip I thought he was so handsome, and we let ourselves stare off into each others eyes for a while and kissed before I left.

Now that its been 3 days I haven't heard from him, I am starting to get worried. I have been really busy and wouldn't have been able to hang out anyway. But when I was out at a play in Hollywood last night, I wasn't yet alarmed, but shot him a pic of me being silly with my girl cousins, but now a day later haven't got a response. I understand life comes up, but also that its necessary to maintain a consistent communication effort in a relationship. If he's not ready for that, I'm not ready for him.

We really have never met anyone like each other and blow each other away with our developing connection and comfort.

But what do you think? Have I been poofed on? Should I read into this and force him to answer for it when he DOES contact me? I am planning on taking a step back to reality, out of this dream world where everything is beautiful. I'm a tad let down, but also want to give him space to figure things out, as I am doing too. I'm not planning on contacting him, but after 6 or 7 dates and like what, 35 hours of enjoyment in person together we're at the point where we kept in contact every day. I know I was really busy and maybe didn't return calls or texts for a few hours or maybe a day or so but after 3 days and no contact from him should I even be worried at this point?
.
Stepping out from my modest demeanor if I look at it objectively, for guys who ultimately want to end up with a girl like me, I'm usually the dream girl that makes guys stop in their tracks and realize if this goes further it's headed towards forever.. and that can be a scary thing for a single dude! (Well it is for me too, so I tend to run away sometimes too). Should I consider calling him? He's probably weighing things out as I know I am too. But whadya think guys is this acceptable?
Last edited by Shelock_Homes; January 6,2010 at 8:26am.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #2  January 4,2010, 4:26pm

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Even if he has poofed, wouldn't it be better to ask him than to just wring your hands and wait?

I'm for making that phone call, saying basically something along the lines that you've expressed here and making sure you aren't building a house of dreams.

A sensitive woman will know if shes being put off with excuses and I thibk you have that. It takes guts, initially, to be straight up front..but once you do it, you'll not be tempted to go back waiting for him to call.

And good luck with this!
 
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gcoleman99 is offline gcoleman99 Post #3  January 4,2010, 4:40pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
Even if he has poofed, wouldn't it be better to ask him than to just wring your hands and wait?

I'm for making that phone call, saying basically something along the lines that you've expressed here and making sure you aren't building a house of dreams.

A sensitive woman will know if shes being put off with excuses and I thibk you have that. It takes guts, initially, to be straight up front..but once you do it, you'll not be tempted to go back waiting for him to call.

And good luck with this!
I'm with her! (as you should know by now, Shelock_Homes - cute nick, btw).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  January 4,2010, 4:43pm
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This sounds like you've already gone much too far waiting to select only from what gets handed to you - how odd? Maybe 2010 is a mistake?

"Shot him a pic of me being silly with girl cousins?!" Seriously? He didn't reply because that's not a real communication - you know, with a question.

That he then ignored a follow-up message, is starting to be a problem. Got tired of you carrying zero share of load, I'd say.

And, that you feel you're "the dream girl that makes guys stop in their tracks?" No wonder. All I could do about that is just turn and walk away.
 
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goosielucy is offline goosielucy Post #5  January 4,2010, 4:50pm
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If you are wondering, then call or text saying you miss him, wanted to say hi and when will you and he speak or see eachother again?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #6  January 4,2010, 5:10pm
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The title of this thread says it all. You expect to be pursued. A lot of quality guys don't play that game.

And you're sure you're Everyman's dream girl. So when the pursuit pauses for even a second ... or you realize that maybe he isn't pursuing after all... you have to come online and fret about it?

If you're such Hot Potatoes, why are you on eH in the first place? And going bonkers over your very first match?

I'd say you need to take a few deep breaths and reflect a bit on how you view yourself, and others.
 
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Shelock_Homes is offline Shelock_Homes Post #7  January 4,2010, 5:11pm
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D_Lion wrote :
This sounds like you've already gone much too far waiting to select only from what gets handed to you - how odd? Maybe 2010 is a mistake?

"Shot him a pic of me being silly with girl cousins?!" Seriously? He didn't reply because that's not a real communication - you know, with a question.

That he then ignored a follow-up message, is starting to be a problem. Got tired of you carrying zero share of load, I'd say.

And, that you feel you're "the dream girl that makes guys stop in their tracks?" No wonder. All I could do about that is just turn and walk away.
Hey there, I don't know how to work these post things I guess, but just wanted to respond, if you don't mind replying back again l8r.

What do you mean 2010 is a mistake? Did you mean new years eve? I think I'm gathering that you are also recommending as well that I call him.

As far as the text goes, we used to text each other silly or funny pix of ourselves and we'd always write back. And as far as my little quote about being a dream girl... well, that's only if its a mutual appreciation and a budding relationship. I know I'm not appreciated by everyone, so it's an every few years type thing. But every couple years when I meet someone I feel an amazing connection with, naturally it can go either way, and usually goes south because a guy is scared they are not together enough for me.

But surprise I'm not looking for perfect.

So to review: Friday- we said goodbye in person. Saturday- nothing, no concern. Sunday- sent him a text w/ no response. Today- nothin, here we are.

More advice appreciated.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #8  January 4,2010, 5:22pm
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three days is nothing to worry about. wait a week and if no call, drop him a casual line just to say hi. this is a very typical pattern in my experience. it's only the inability to keep your cool that would make it into a break point.
 
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Shelock_Homes is offline Shelock_Homes Post #9  January 4,2010, 5:23pm
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melman wrote :
The title of this thread says it all. You expect to be pursued. A lot of quality guys don't play that game.

And you're sure you're Everyman's dream girl. So when the pursuit pauses for even a second ... or you realize that maybe he isn't pursuing after all... you have to come online and fret about it?

If you're such Hot Potatoes, why are you on eH in the first place? And going bonkers over your very first match?

I'd say you need to take a few deep breaths and reflect a bit on how you view yourself, and others.
Hey there. I expect to be pursued because I want to make sure he gets enough space to think things through and pursue me if he really wants to, and I don't want to force myself onto anybody. I don't want to wrongly assume he likes me. Fact is, I'm not Everyman's dream girl, not hot potatoes or anything like that at all. Truth is I am a whopping 5'10", a Christian church goer, passionate about mission trips, 3rd world countries, making people laugh by performing, and I want to sail around the Caribbean. I found someone who is not only all those things but was also looking for someone like me to sail the Caribbean with too! Surprisingly, we also share the same profession (crazy!)

Can you understand why I maybe feel a little bonkers? I'm scared I found the right one! I also have NO IDEA HOW TO PURSUE! I'VE NEVER HAD TO DO IT B4! I'm scared to mess it up!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  January 4,2010, 5:25pm
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Ignoring a communication is a major concern - I never do that.

A bunch of people, mostly women, have something called, I think, a "three day rule" they read in a book written by a person with a failed marriage and an appearance on something called "Oprah."

This "three day rule" appears to mean that by not answering his (sic) phone call for three days, his (sic, and more sics to come) "interest level is increased."

Maybe he is trying this tactic, or something similar? Maybe he put is phone in his pocket, and bent over (hold the jokes, please) and it fell out, shattering into lots of tiny pieces, and there were no replacements in the western hemisphere?

***

In my view, two unreturned messages do not warrant another.

I would make one clear, crisp message, with a request to call. If he ignores it, walk.
 
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