"be yourself," but which you?


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filet is offline filet Post #1  January 4,2010, 1:50am
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I was recently getting ready for a first date with someone I was really interested in based on emails. I was talking with friends and seeking advice and whatnot. Of course, the oldest cliche is always repeated: "be yourself! if he doesn't like that you'd be wasting everyone's time!"

I absolutely agree with that, but it does bring to mind a different quandry. I have one night. one first impression to show this person why I'm the most amazing woman he'll ever meet. But I, like mopst people, am not 1 dimensional. Obviously, I'll "be myself," but which "myself" should I be?

The introspective, quiet, cautious me? the outspoken agressive me? the ruffles-and-lace feminine me? the "one of the guys" me? Do I don the makeup and heels or t-shirt and jeans? I am all these women, and can't be all of them in one night. Switching among paradoxes would lead one to believe his date was sufferring from significant psychologic issues at best.

How do you all address the issue? which "yourself" are you on your first date?
 
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fractalicious is offline fractalicious Post #2  January 4,2010, 10:13am
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Why don't go as who you feel most comfortable being around him? Your friends are right when they tell you that if you go as someone you aren't, or have to play up an aspect of your personality that you're not comfortable with, then you are wasting everybody's time.

No one is our "just rolled" out of bed selves on a first date, we put the window dressing on in order to make a good impression. It still shouldn't feel like you're playing a particular role in order to do so. Go with what feels right. If it doesn't work out, so it goes. If you're really all of those different personalities in one person then if you hit it off he's going to meet them eventually.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #3  January 4,2010, 10:27am
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You want to have a good balance on the first date. It is okay to start out quiet and introspective but if it is warranted than you should show your outgoing agressive side. For a first date I suggest dressing how you would the majority of time. If that is the heels and makeup than do that otherwise be yourself and dress your casual self. Don't think about who you are being so much as just being and enjoying the date.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  January 4,2010, 10:50am
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You are waaaayyy overthinking this! Just act and dress appropriately for the place you are meeting and the rest will shine through.

He's not going to get to know every aspect of you on one date (no one does, and that is fine), but he will get to know enough about you to decide whether he wants to know more. In the course of the date several of your dimensions/qualities (caring, intelligence, compassion, etc.) will reveal themselves to him without you even trying and no matter what you are wearing.

Trying to force one dimension of your personality to dominate will only come across as acting... hence the advice to "act naturally" is spot on and not nearly as complicated as you're making it.
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #5  January 4,2010, 11:16am
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I would say the best advice to give you is not to over think the date. Go relaxed and have fun. If you're comfortable around him, he'll see the different dimensions of your personality. If the date goes well and turns out to be a ltr then he'll have the pleasure of getting to know all the different sides of who you are.

I would say go with confidence, have an engaging conversation, relax, don't over think this, and have fun! As to what to wear, whatever you feel comfortable in, but with your best foot forward.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  January 4,2010, 11:37am
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My own perspective as a man is.....if a woman has a date with me which 'real her' that she acts like is irrelevant. I'm either going to like and be interested in her....or I won't. It won't matter if she happens to be a little more in 'one-of-the-boys' mode or 'Barbie-dress-up' mode or whatever. There isn't some secret trick to getting me interested in a woman.
 
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thefastcat is offline thefastcat Post #7  January 4,2010, 12:17pm
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A common psychological "strategy" (?) that is common for first meet ups, impressions, job interviews is to match the mannerisms, energy level and body language of the other person.

If they are warm and outgoing it's probably a good idea to be the same (if you want to convey interest and positive reinforcement). The down side is when the other person is well not interested or not very personable then you need to take the lead in broadcasting yourself and trying to get them engaged.

I am usually a light hearted, humorous and upbeat person but have found on the first dates its hard to click with a personality that doesn't mirror my own at the intersection of real life and computer match making
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #8  January 4,2010, 12:43pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
You are waaaayyy overthinking this! Just act and dress appropriately for the place you are meeting and the rest will shine through.

He's not going to get to know every aspect of you on one date (no one does, and that is fine), but he will get to know enough about you to decide whether he wants to know more. In the course of the date several of your dimensions/qualities (caring, intelligence, compassion, etc.) will reveal themselves to him without you even trying and no matter what you are wearing.

Trying to force one dimension of your personality to dominate will only come across as acting... hence the advice to "act naturally" is spot on and not nearly as complicated as you're making it.
I agree Wonderwoman. Waaayyyy overthinking. You will never be able to show someone all of who you are on a first date. Dress for where you are going and just try to be as comfortable as you can be. I would also say try to have a positive attitude and just have fun. If he likes you enough to want to get to know more - then that's fine.

Believe me - I've been there. You get so wrapped up in how to present yourself so the person is sure to want to see you again that you end up looking a bit schizophrenic going back and forth between your various selves to impress. It doesn't work...then if you like the guy you're hoping for a second chance to show him that you are not crazy!!! You need to relax.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  January 4,2010, 1:04pm
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filet wrote :

How do you all address the issue? which "yourself" are you on your first date?
I'm the one that's on my birth certificate....that's all I can keep track of.
If you over think this you'll be nervous for no reason other than just to be nervous.
And I disagree you've "one night to show him you're the most amazing woman he'll ever meet".... that's pie in the sky, Lifetime channel crapola, being force fed to you...pure nonsense.
Don't buy into it.
And here's the thing too: he ain't gonna show you that, either.
It's a first date.
No one can jump to that conclusion based on a two or three hour date...
 
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marguitar is offline marguitar Post #10  January 4,2010, 1:10pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
You are waaaayyy overthinking this! Just act and dress appropriately for the place you are meeting and the rest will shine through.

He's not going to get to know every aspect of you on one date (no one does, and that is fine), but he will get to know enough about you to decide whether he wants to know more. In the course of the date several of your dimensions/qualities (caring, intelligence, compassion, etc.) will reveal themselves to him without you even trying and no matter what you are wearing.

Trying to force one dimension of your personality to dominate will only come across as acting... hence the advice to "act naturally" is spot on and not nearly as complicated as you're making it.
I want to be as wise as you when I grow up...

OP, yeah, what Wonderwoman402 said.
 
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